FEEL
by SuddenlySandi
Summary: Bella views the world through her office window as she keeps something hidden. Edward is heir to a large corporation, but only if he is willing to live without love. AH story by SDFreeze
1. Chapter 1

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 1

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

**Chapter 1**

**Feel the Wind**

I sat in the corner office, in front of the huge plate glass window, watching the stream of traffic outside on the sidewalk. Most of the people dressed in professional clothing flowing into the modern high-rise building across the street from my window to the world. Cullen Enterprises was where the elite movers and shakers of Chicago worked; most likely lining the pockets of the various aldermen around the large metropolitan area.

I was cynical and a bit bitter. I would never fit in with the Y generation; I didn't even have an ipod and my phone still had a flip front. I had to be content to watch them out my window and find fault wherever I could.

A tall blond, in a dress which most likely cost more than my rent, walked up and pressed the button to cross the street. She pushed it several times, as if the button would somehow believe a throng of people were waiting to cross and immediately turn the light red. She moved close to the crosswalk and waited while bouncing her knees back and forth.

She was the type of woman who always got what she wanted and when electrical devices wouldn't respond immediately she became impatient. I silently wished I had a remote control for the light. I would let her stand there annoyed while I took my small revenge on the 'haves' in the world.

I didn't have a clue what she was really like and cast dispersions to make myself feel better. Nobody ever turned to see me watching intently out the large window in front of them. I was part of the landscape, another piece of architecture in a city so beautiful that old, obsolete, buildings went unnoticed.

The light turned and she took long strides with her statuesque legs making it across the street ahead of the crowd. A large man met her on the other side and kissed her cheek. He was wearing a tailored suit perfectly fitted to his large frame. He seemed uncomfortable despite his beaming smile and deep dimples. He kept pulling on the collar of his shirt; I immediately thought he would be comfortable in jeans and t-shirt.

I called him Cuddles, because his boyish face made you want to cuddle him in your arms. The girl I called She-Ra from the old He Man cartoon. She seemed fierce in a Nordic kind of way. I watched them head into the huge metal building and became sad to lose sight of my fantasy couple.

"Bella," my boss yelled. "I need a copy of the files I finished yesterday."

I wanted to scream. He had no idea about the hunk of technology sitting on his desk in front of him. He still believed I kept files in a desk somewhere and magically loaded them onto his computer when he needed them.

I pulled them from the shared drive and emailed them to him. I had confidence in keeping my job since he had no idea everything he needed was sitting right in front of him. I turned back to my window and saw a stream filing from the big building signaling lunch. I opened my desk drawer and pulled the brown bag containing my simple sandwich and apple.

I saw the Scarecrow come through the doors. He stood straight like he had a stick up his back making it impossible to slouch. He walked as if he was marching into battle, always with a purpose. His blond curls fell around his angelic face but his eyes were constantly moving, searching for some unseen danger. He marched past my window and I smiled at his beautiful face. He never turned his head, maybe it had been wired in place due to some tragic accident and only his eyes could move.

A tiny girl ran across the street just barely making it to the curb when the light changed and traffic began its slow crush deeper into the city. She had spiky black hair and she moved with amazing grace considering her heels were thin as a pencil and just as tall. She called out to the Scarecrow and he stopped, waiting for her to catch up. They stood inches from my window, oblivious to my intrusion into their lives.

He spoke as she jumped and bounced and moved continually. She had a beautiful smile and looked much older up close. From the sidewalk she looked to be thirteen or fourteen but in front of my window she was obviously in her twenties. I called her Bubbles.

I watched as the Scarecrow obviously gave in to some wish Bubbles had and she threw her arms around him. He pulled her close and shut his eyes as if touching her body was a sacred experience. I bit into my apple and wished I knew what it was like to have a man touch me like that.

"Bella," the ogre yelled again, "have we paid the light bill?"

Again, the invention of the desk top computer made everything accessible online. I found my copy of the online receipt and emailed it to him. We could go on like this for days, he would scream and I would send an email. I'm sure nobody speaks to anyone in the distant future.

My life was a version of the Sims game. Someone created a beautiful world for me to watch outside my window. It wasn't real, for me at least. My world was dark and lonely and full of angst and regret. But all I had to do was look in front of me and watch love, and tenderness, and art, and beauty.

A crowd pushed towards the sidewalk and I watched as their anxious, stressed faces passed with important business or errands to finish in a predetermined amount of allotted time. A man headed right for my window. He was wearing a head set and talking animatedly to someone in China, or possibly just down the block.

He sat his briefcase down right against my window and his eyes raised just enough to see me staring. He winked as he continued his conversation. I felt my face blush and I lowered my eyes to stare at the processed meat sticking out of my sandwich. My heart was racing. My world had been invaded by one of the perfect people and I felt vulnerable and exposed.

I would let my eyes lift just enough to see the bottom of his tan trench coat and go immediately back to my lunch. I called this man David. He was a perfect sculpture of what a man should be and the thought he could look right at me made me want to run from the room.

I ate slowly, trying way too hard to be engrossed in a ham sandwich praying he would walk away, or be suddenly struck blind, so I could stare without him noticing. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and looked up to see him bend down to his brief case. He pulled a stack of papers out and tried to juggle them on his knee as he continued talking on the head piece. The papers fell from his hands and scattered around him.

I could tell which expletive he said in anger and watched him put his fingers to the bridge of his nose in frustration. I couldn't help but laugh, feeling secure behind my glass disconnect, but gasped when I saw him staring directly at me.

I used the same expletive and lowered my head. He put his knuckles to the window and knocked lightly. I looked up in shame and he stroked his index finger at me chastising me for my language. I laughed and turned a very ugly shade of red.

He bent down and gathered the papers sticking them back into his case and then stood to face me again. "Have a great day," he mouthed through the thick glass.

"You too," I returned, wishing I had a mouth like Angelina Jolie's.

He winked and headed back across the street, halfway through the crosswalk he turned to catch me watching his perfect body in retreat. My window had been breached. He might as well have shattered my protection for all the good it did now.

I spent the afternoon reading online. I shopped a little, listened to various artists on youtube, and pulled up bogus spreadsheets whenever Mr. Newton came into my corner.

A small transparent box came up on the corner of my screen with a simultaneous bing. I stared at the email alert coming from Cullen Enterprises. I looked up to see the big shiny building looking exactly the same, expecting some blur or hue to signify I was being hailed by the mother ship. I was as bad as Mike sometimes.

I clicked on the box to read: **I love your blush; it is refreshing in today's world.**

It couldn't be my David. How would he know my email address? Shit, shit, shit, why am I as dumb as Mike? Anyone could go to our online site and find my name and email. His address said E. Cullen. He was one of the prince's from the magic kingdom coming to the peasants to prove his kindness.

I tried to think of something clever to say. There had to be some unknown word or phrase to sweep him off his feet, sending him charging across the street on his white steed to save me from my ogre holding me hostage in this dungeon. I settled for teasing him.

_Just so you know, I said "fork" not what you thought you read on my lips._

I hit send and felt my hands shaking. Not only did my window just shatter but I felt the wind on my face. I was jumping right out into the world and I knew nothing good could come of it. My heart would be broken. The fortress I had built brick by brick around my weak, pathetic heart was going to come crashing down and at that moment I didn't really care.

A reply came right back. **Hum…you use a fork to eat a sandwich?**

He was so observant, not that I couldn't give a detailed description of his beautiful face to a police sketch artist, but I didn't think he had paid that much attention to what I was doing.

I giggled and hit reply. _You don't? What has happened to manners these days?_

I waited, holding my breath for his reply. It came quickly. **You make me want to use emoticons :-) Why is that?**

I laughed loudly hoping Mike didn't come investigate the unrecognizable sound coming from me.

_I think that is something you need to take up with an expensive therapist. I'm sure there is a proper pharmaceutical for it._

His response was better. **Naw, if there was, Cullen Enterprises would own it.**

_You have a goal now_, I teased. _Are you the company stripping the world of the rainforests and bringing global warming?_

**Oxygen is overrate**. He said in response.

_And dirty water never hurt anyone_. I typed.

**Exactly, great minds think alike. Can I take you to dinner…I promise to use a fork.**

I froze. I sunk into my chair and was afraid to look out my window. I felt like the curtain had just risen on the stage of my life and the spotlight was in my eyes as everyone waited for my lines, but I had never been given a script. I had no words and no understudy stood in the wings to help.

My hands were shaking and my heart was racing. "Mike, I called out. I feel sick, I have to go home."

He walked to the doorway of my office and stared into my face. "You're pale." Always the master of the obvious.

"I have to go home, right now," I replied as I made my way around him. He stepped out of my way and went back to his office. I exited out the back of the building like I always did, into the dingy alley of the seamy side of the city.

I stared at my van, wishing I had a flashy, sexy, sleek vehicle that gave me another level of intrigue instead of the angry stares from the environmentalists. I strapped myself into the van and backed out of the urine soaked alley to face the giant metal glory rising high into the sky in front of me.

I looked at the large fountain behind the red stoplight with the tall letters spelling out the name of perfection, Cullen, to mock me. I reached up and ripped the handicapped sticker from my mirror and threw it behind me, landing on the sheepskin seat of my wheelchair.


	2. Chapter 2

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 2

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 2

**Feel the Sun**

I was relieved it was a weekend and hoped the prince was over his pity on the peasants, forgetting the invitation he had offered. I did everything I could to avoid a mirror all weekend. I didn't want to see my gullible eyes glinting with hope. I only needed a cat to finish off the spinster impression I had of myself.

I opened my closet to figure out what I would wear to work the next week, none of it seemed appropriate anymore. It was all brown; I didn't even have the sense to wear black and try to appear vanguard. It was a wardrobe for comfort not for socializing.

I closed the door disgusted and had an internal battle trying to decide if I should go shopping. It was not an easy task; I felt uncomfortable trying to look at fashionable clothes from my low vantage point. Surely the sales women wondered why I would need anything more than sweats and a flannel nightgown.

I decided to go downtown and search for blouses. Nobody ever saw the bottom half of me and if they did their eyes quickly moved on, afraid whatever doomed my legs to sit motionless would somehow be contagious, caught by simply looking at me.

I entered the large department store and made my way into the sea of clothing kiosks. I was hidden between the racks, looking for anything that screamed, normal, or healthy, when I heard two women talking. They were coming my way, so I lowered my head and assisted them in ignoring me.

"What's Edward's problem?"

"Who knows, Edward always has a problem."

"I am so tired of these Cullen family dinners where we all try to cheer him up. I seriously doubt he is looking for a spouse, he would never give up his supermodel training camp."

I felt my heart beating loudly. Edward Cullen, E. Cullen. It would be too big of a coincidence to believe they were talking about my David. I looked at the reflection in the metal pole to see She-Ra. It had to be David, and his name was Edward. I prayed the women didn't come to my side of the rack. I wanted to continue eavesdropping unnoticed.

"I saw him Friday and he was in a great mood, then suddenly his period kicked in."

"Maybe we'll get lucky and he will take the London assignment."

"No way, he's too big of a Cubs fan, and how can we all feel sorry for him if he's not around to brood in front of us?"

They laughed together and I suddenly felt sorry for my David. If he really was miserable or sad or lonely, things I knew too much about, he was not getting the comfort a family should provide. Then I had to remind myself I called him David because he looked like a freakin perfect sculpture. There was no way he was lonely or sad. He must be spoiled and used to indulgence, that made more sense.

The women left and I finally found a suitable blouse and jacket to bolster my confidence to return to my window viewing. I decided to put off the purchase of a cat for at least another week.

I was sitting at my desk too afraid to look at the crowded Monday faces. Everyone walked a little bit slower and seemed like the sun was shining to personally torture them. I heard a soft knock and looked up to see my David; he was holding two cups of coffee and lifted one. I shook my head and held up my own steaming cup. He stuck out his bottom lip, as if to pout, making me laugh.

His head suddenly turned, responding to someone calling his name. I could see the woman I called Patty… for Plastic Patty. Every single thing on her was fake; from her odd strawberry hair to her breasts that seemed to come directly out of her collarbone. My David turned back towards the window and very prominently mouthed, "Fork".

I pointed at his extra cup of coffee and he rolled his eyes before turning and offering it to Patty. She gushed, feeling the need to thank him by shoving her ample bosom into him and batting her freakin fake eye lashes. He looked back at me and mouthed, "Bye, Bella." I mouthed, "Bye, Edward." His eyes widened in surprise.

I couldn't help but laugh as she put her arm in his dragging him across the cross walk. I was relieved he wasn't holding a grudge that I wouldn't go out with him. He seemed like a really fun, happy, guy. He must not be the Edward the girls in the store were talking about.

I listened to Mike drag his sausage feet down the hallway and up into his office; I went back to my window watching. I saw bubbles holding onto the Scarecrow, but this time she turned and looked directly at me; I gasped and looked away. Something had changed. My dark little corner seemed to be soaked in sunlight drawing attention from everyone.

Surely it wasn't my stylish new attire? I was now facing the daunting task of coming up with something to wear the rest of the week.

An email popped up and my heart skipped a beat.

**You could have lied instead of just ignoring me, tell me your weightlifter husband would kill me and your wedding ring is in the shop. My pride has been wounded.**

He wasn't fooling me. He had women like Patty dripping off of him.

_It would have never worked between us_, I responded. _I'm a Sox fan_.

**Oh, Bella, I've lost my will to live…..how do you know so much about me?**

This one was easy to answer, _Google._

**Exactly what is it you do?**

He had to go there didn't he? His family owned the largest corporation in Chicago and I worked for Mike Newton, C.P.A. ordinaire. Should I tell him I sit and stare out a window until a client happens to call for a ream of printer fed forms? I decided to have fun and tell him my fantasy job, instead of the monotony I call work.

_If I told you, I would have to kill you. It is all top secret, corporate intrigue and intensely dangerous_.

**And here I thought you were just placed there to brighten my day.**

Oh he was good, I'm sure his silver tongue could talk the panties off most women, but he wasn't getting anywhere with me. I laughed at his effort and had to admit it felt nice to have a man flirt with me. I just had to make sure it was flirting and I was not becoming the butt of some joke.

_You have got to be an only child to be that narcissistic_.

He actually typed the letters LOL and it made me laugh out loud. He tried to explain, but his family dynamic was way beyond conventional.

**Not even close, I have a half brother, a sister in law, a step sister and a best friend about to become part of the family. We're a very Brady Bunch type of family**.

_I really miss the Walton's_, I responded.

I didn't hear from him again and thought I may have offended him. I was at full attention on my watch when I saw a limo pull up in front of the building just as my David and an older man walked out. He looked directly at me and held up his index and pinky fingers giving me the "rock on" gesture. I had never laughed so much in one day. I was really starting to like him.

At lunch I watched the crowd return to fighting for sidewalk dominance and make the zombie walk to the local eateries. I pulled my brown bag onto my desk and heard my email alert. It was coming from his phone this time.

**I am bored out of my mind. Entertain me.**

_Where are you_? I asked.

**Board of Directors meeting**.

_Pay attention, they may slip in a plan to clean up the planet without you realizing_.

**Never, it is so much more fun to bribe the EPA**.

_Uh, not smart to put that in writing_.

**That's right, you're a fed**.

_Is the food good at least? _I had to ask as I stared at my peanut butter and jelly.

**Salmon**.

_Poor baby, I feel for you_.

**Want some?**

_Sure, send it right over_.

I began to get nervous when I didn't hear back from him. Surely, he wouldn't walk out of a meeting and bring me his lunch…would he? I began eyeing the lunch crowd a little more carefully and noticed right away when a woman, her hair pulled back so tightly her eyes looked permanently stunned, got out of a cab and came towards the door with a bag.

The little bell rang alerting me someone had come inside, as if my constant position as sentinel wouldn't be enough. The woman asked for Bella and I could feel my face turn red.

"I have something from Mr. Cullen," she said as she held out the bag. I took it and didn't know if I should dig through my purse for a tip, or try to explain why her eccentric boss sent her on a useless errand.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled.

She smiled, as if it was part of her job description, and returned back to her waiting cab.

_Are you insane_? I emailed.

**I have to keep you happy; it looks to be a long meeting**.

_Well, thank you. It's delicious, but I feel awful for my peanut butter and jelly_.

**Peanut butter and jelly? You didn't tell me you had that. I want a trade**.

Within five minutes the follicle stressed woman returned with her hand out waiting for me to repack my sandwich into my brown bag. I couldn't believe how crazy he was, but I had to admit my day was flying by.

I waited patiently for his notification of my sandwich arriving safely.

**White bread, thank God**.

_Toxic, planet hating people like us can't have wheat_.

**Do you like Twinkies**? he asked.

_Only dipped in chocolate milk_.

**I think I just had an orgasm**.

I felt myself blush and was not about to take it up a notch. He had women like Patty willing to do anything with him, or anyone else he wanted to put into the picture. He was way out of my league, as the only kiss I could claim was when my fat, pimple faced cousin tried to kiss my mouth when I hugged him goodbye.

_Sorry, government business gotta run. Sorry_.

**Damn, I'll have to listen to the financials. Talk to you later, Bella**.

I stared at my computer screen feeling the sun begin to set on the bright day I had up to that point. I didn't know what I was doing trying to flirt with someone like Edward Cullen. I was only going to get hurt and he was only looking for someone to play with. He was spoiled and indulgent and I was his new toy. I could picture exactly what his face would look like when he realized his toy was broken.


	3. Chapter 3

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 3

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 3

**Feel the rain **

I was stuck in traffic, pouring rain, trying to get into another lane, when a silver sports car weaved itself into my only opening. I hit the horn in anger, and jealousy, and self hatred, in my own bulky excuse for transportation. The light turned red and I pull my dinosaur to a stop and looked over to glare at the Jag….and I don't mean the car.

I saw my David, his hair was wet from making his way to his car, or from coming directly from Patty's shower. He was rubbing the stubble on his chin and I leaned back in my seat desperate to avoid his glance. When the light changed I remained where I was letting the car behind me honk at the assumed old lady or mother of six in the slow van.

When I found an opening in his lane I moved over, my lights showing only a driver in his car, and I felt better. It wasn't like I wanted him to be alone and miserable; I wasn't that cruel. I just didn't want to see his happiness in the form of a movie star or runway model… heck, she could look like Quasi Moto and I wouldn't want to see him with her.

I made the difficult trip from my van to the office, while holding an umbrella, cursing the coming of winter. It was going to be a dark and overcast day, making people duck under cover and run from one side of the street to the other.

Most of the female workforce wore rain boots or tennis shoes, carrying their Italian leather in their bags, except Bubbles. She wore her pencil thin heels and walked like she was born in them. Her hand barely touched the Scarecrows; finding assistance either unnecessary or unwanted. This time he turned to look at me, then quickly turned back to Bubbles, and they shared a questionable look between themselves.

I felt my rain soaked hair and gave a defeated sigh. The possibility of a cat was getting closer and closer. I heard Mike come in and pulled my sack lunch from my bag, tossing it into my drawer in anger at the universe for making me, Bubbles, She-Ra, and Patty the same gender. I didn't have to worry about my brown blouse; I kept my jacket on most of the day and blended easily into the paneling.

I was reading People magazine online when an email came.

**Rain reminds me of pudding**.

I hated to admit it, but he was my sole source of joy, constantly finding a way to make me laugh.

_There has to be some story of psychological damage to go along with that statement_.

**I will give you highlights: School, no recess, lunch in the classroom, pudding to make it all better**.

_Well, I didn't go to private school, so no pudding drama for me_.

He waited a bit before responding again. **Why won't you go out with me?**

I felt my chest tighten. I needed to end this before I had to see the look of shock, then embarrassment, then pity, cross his face. I needed to tell him to stop emailing me and begin choosing a name for my cat. Instead I just lied.

_Boyfriend._

It was over half an hour before he responded; it felt like midnight on the change of the millennium waiting for computers to crash around the world.

**He is a lucky man**.

I felt awful for the rest of the day. I could hear Mike breathing as his weighted chest struggled to go up and down the stairs and I wanted to shoot staples at him to make him stop. He was disgusting and he was the only man besides my David to ever express any interest in me. How could Mike be my future, why couldn't I have my David? I looked down at my legs and cried out in disappointment.

If my mother would have taken me to the doctor when I had scarlet fever, instead of purchasing cases of vodka, I could walk across that crosswalk and right into his office, but that anger was cried out long ago. The medical establishment had a very decisive word for my legs, pre-existing condition. It somehow meant, "You had a mother that sucked."

I was just about to leave for the day and fight my way through the pouring rain when another email came from Edward.

**How serious? Can't live without him or humph?**

_Wow, lots of room between the two_.

**Enough wiggle room?**

_Come on, you must have dates lined up outside your apartment causing the need for traffic cones._

**With the personality of traffic cones**.

_And made from the same high grade government silicone_. I couldn't help letting my inner bitch loose for a second.

He gave me the "LMFAO" and I laughed so hard at the irony of his sophistication, and then his sudden unexplained descent into the land of L.C. and Heidi.

_You need a thesaurus_, I teased.

**I need you; this is the most fun I have ever had.**

I felt flustered. He had a charm that was pulling me in, and hope was a dangerous place for someone like me. I couldn't fit in with his world. He was charging in to my little corner and shaking it up. I could only imagine the carnage someone like him could leave.

_You can buy anything you need_.

**So, what's your price?**

_You're dangerous_, I said in all honesty.

**I would never hurt you, Bella**.

_There are many kinds of danger_.

**Again, I would never hurt you.**

I felt tears form in my eyes and I wanted so badly to give him a chance and tell him I would love to go out with him, but we would have to take my van so my wheelchair would fit; that I couldn't be the pretty lady sitting next to him in the fast car.

_Still that issue of boyfriend_.

**Forgot, have a great night**.

I no longer cared about the rain falling; it was the perfect façade to my falling tears. I was strapped into my van when Mike knocked on my window.

"You didn't lock up, are you okay?"

"Sorry, I just got some bad news about an old friend," I lied.

I could lie and not feel guilty. I was one of those people who had been screwed over by life and deserved to tell a fib or two. I promised him I would pay better attention and tried not to reveal my real thoughts about why he couldn't drag his fat ass down the stairs and lock up.

"I would like to take you to a movie," he smiled.

What was with the vibe in the air today? One man I couldn't see because I wasn't worthy and another I wouldn't see because I couldn't stand to be within five feet of him.

"I'm kind of seeing someone," I lied again. Actually, it was kind of true, I was seeing him through the large window in my office, mouthing words to him and emailing, unable to know what his voice sounded like.

Mike turned an odd color of purple and I would worry about losing my job, but he wouldn't be able to wipe his ass without me pulling it up online for him.

I headed home and made my way into my small rent controlled apartment. I had ground floor access and a ramp to proudly announce my limited abilities. I pulled myself onto my sofa and settled in front of the television to depress myself by watching Lifetime.

The heroine was trying to fight her way out of the house she had become trapped in, by the too good looking man, who had suddenly become interested in her. The only thing more cliché would be if she was in a wheelchair. I turned it off and laid there staring at the ceiling listening to the rain falling outside.

I woke up to my alarm and realized I had never left the couch. I was becoming truly pathetic and could picture my future, lying in my urine, drooling onto the cushions, as my house filled with cats reeked of unimaginable smells.

I pulled my legs to the floor in front of me and decided to 'walk' to the kitchen. Walking meant going from one piece of furniture to the other, as my damaged sockets grinded bone on bone. I winced as I stood looking out the window over the sink to see a young couple kissing goodbye. He was whispering in her ear as she giggled and kept covering her mouth, so her parents wouldn't hear them parting in the early morning hours.

I wanted that, I wanted a man to hold me and whisper in my ear until I giggled. I tried to picture Mike and felt bile rise in my throat. I moved to Edward, just thinking his real name hurt. He would have to remain my David, sculpted from an artist of old for broken women to sigh and fantasize over.

I was making my way slowly down the hallway when my cell phone rang. Only two people had my number, Mike and my horrid excuse for a mother. It could not be good if either one was calling. I made my way back to the living room and picked up the phone, obviously missing the call, to see which obstacle I would be dealing with today.

I didn't recognize the number, and as I stood there staring at it the phone rang again. I dropped it from surprise and had to hurry and retrieve it from under the sofa in order to answer.

"Hello? I puffed.

"Bella?" A voice like buttered rum asked.

"Yes," I answered timidly.

"This is Edward Cullen." I thought I heard his voice shaking, but it was obviously my own hand wavering as I held the phone.

"How did you get my number?"

"You told me to buy what I needed," he chuckled.

I sat too stunned to think of a pithy comeback, and suddenly hoped he was not right outside my door. My throat felt too tight, and my adam's apple huge, as I tried to swallow.

"I want to ask you to attend a fundraiser with me. It benefits a Newborn Intensive Care Unit, so you will be letting down sick babies if you say no."

"Edward," I said sadly, not sadly that I couldn't attend, but sad that I **could not** attend.

"It isn't a date it is a fundraiser; remember the babies."

"You don't want to go with me, trust me," I tried to make him see without making him see.

I didn't even know what I was thinking anymore. I wanted to believe he was so good that medical conditions wouldn't mean anything to him, but reality hit me in the face. There would be press at this event ,and the story wouldn't be how Edward tried to save babies, it would be Edward Cullen seen with crippled girl, craning her neck to stare adoringly at him.

"I can't go with you and I need you to stop contacting me," I said, as my heart split in two.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I have a hard time taking no for an answer. I won't bother you again."

I heard the click of the receiver and it sounded like a trumpet signaling the end of the best days I had ever had. The curtain could fall and the house lights could come on, my moment in the sun was now drowned out by the rain.

'Eddie' that would be a really good name for a cat.


	4. Chapter 4

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 4

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 4

**Feel the tension**

I made my way into work, and sat in complete despair, as I watched the world go by. I couldn't even laugh when an older woman, wearing a much too short skirt, looked around before digging her thong from her crack. Nobody thought to look at my window to see if I was watching. I was invisible.

I groaned when I heard Mike come in. He was coughing and complaining about his asthma and I made sure to order his inhaler, so he could pick it up on the way home. He never considered the possibility of losing weight to help him breathe. That would be too hard.

I was typing out his prescription when the little bell signaled someone coming through the door. I looked up to see Cuddles smiling up at the antiquated bell. My heart fell into my feet. He turned and gave me his best 'dimples to die for' grin. I wanted to climb onto his huge lap, and snuggle into his massive chest, and just watch him smile all day.

"Are you Bella?" He asked.

I nodded, feeling my face turn red and break out in sweat.

"I'm Emmett Cullen."

I managed to lift my hand ,that gravity was weighting me down with, and pointed to a chair. Emmett walked over to sit and tugged on his collar.

"You shouldn't wear starched shirts and ties, it isn't you." What the hell was that? I just met this amazing man and I turn into a stylist.

He laughed loudly and pointed at me. "You **_must _**meet my father."

I got embarrassed and looked down at my desk. I had no idea what would bring him into my office, but thanked the powers that be She-Ra didn't come with him. I peeked back up at him and he was staring at me, smiling.

I smiled back and shrugged.

"Sorry," he said, apologizing for staring. "I wanted to talk to you about my brother."

"Edward," I mumbled.

"Yeah," he smiled larger. "I'm sure you have the wrong impression of him. He is the last of the old fashioned good guys. He is truly a good person."

"I never thought otherwise."

"He's smitten over you."

"Smitten?" I laughed. "People actually use that word?"

"Okay, he thinks you're hot," he bellowed.

I should have been happy with smitten. It was less definable. Hot was not an adjective that could be used for me. I furrowed my brow and stared at my desk pad calendar with intense interest. How could Bella Swan be hot, I didn't even have enough nerve to purchase underwear in any color other than white. The old adage about wearing clean underwear in case you end up in the hospital was a real possibility in my life. I didn't need emergency room staff laughing at the crippled girl with the red satin panties.

"I just thought you should know he would be worth your consideration," he said with less of a smile.

"I have a boyfriend," I easily lied.

Mike walked in at that moment and looked through his slitted eyes at Emmett. He walked over to me and placed his hand on my shoulder. I normally would have moved away. I had to take a deep breath to allow his pudgy digits to remain not only in my vicinity, but actually touching me.

Emmett looked at me and then back at Mike and I could see a switch go off in his mind. He assumed I was dating Mike. I wanted my inevitable house of cats to scratch Mike's eyes out for making me appear so desperate in front of Cuddles.

Emmett stood and smiled a pitiful smile as he backed his way towards the door. I looked away so he wouldn't notice the tears filling my eyes and the Rudolph nose sure to emerge.

I smacked Mike's hand away and watched Cuddles cross the street, taking off his tie as he walked.

I sat there wallowing and decided to do something to make sure my future was cat free, and more importantly, Mike free. I would take a chance; I would swallow my pride and let Edward take me on a date. I would watch his discomfort at the realization he would only look into my eyes while sitting, and there would be no goodnight kiss at the door. I would enjoy a decent meal in an upscale restaurant, as he squirmed throughout the ordeal.

I pulled up his email address and stared at it with confidence. Then quickly shut it down and went back to listening to Mike's heavy breathing.

I saw She-Ra during the lunch rush and she walked by without looking at me. I did see her eyes look sideways, but her head never turned at all. I was stunned to see my David coming across the street with the Scarecrow. They were deep in conversation; I felt my fingers go numb as I tried to pretend I was typing some urgent memo.

I could see the dark pin-stripped suit heading towards me, coming closer, and closer. I couldn't breathe and felt my face turning red without even looking into his beautiful face. I heard a soft knock on the window and looked up only with my eyes. I saw his hand behind his back waving at me; I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't deny it any longer, I was smitten with him.

It was late in the afternoon and I never saw the two men return when I received an email.

**Have you staged a coup? Brother rebelling, father resisting, company in turmoil over tie**.

I gasped and felt my stomach lurch. I really hoped he was joking. Causing problems for the Cullens was the last thing I would ever want to do. Surely, he was teasing me.

_Sorry, I'm not a conformist and feel anarchy leads to positive change; power to the people!_

**I've been instructed to intervene and strive for arbitration.**

_Sell-out_!

**Ouch, that hurt. I can't be so institutionalized at only twenty-five**.

_Be sensitive, look at the size of his neck. Would you want a noose around it all day?_

**You missed my attempt to gain information**.

I had to laugh, because I didn't miss his attempt to find out my age, I had ignored it completely. I had guessed he was around twenty five, but wasn't about to tell him my age. I knew he couldn't gain any information from facebook or myspace. I didn't have anything to share with the world and was content to be an observer on the planet, not a participant.

_I have so much more training in the area of espionage; your blatant attempt was much too obvious_.

His tone suddenly turned very serious and I got instantly uncomfortable.

**I'm sorry for my brother's effort to interfere. He was not sent there, I promise**.

_Apology accepted, and I'm sorry for interfering with company dress policy_.

**Bella, please?**

I wasn't sure what he was talking about. I could read so much into those two words and make a complete fool of myself, or I could play it off and risk hurting him further. I stared at the words and I felt a pain growing in my heart. The screen was pleading with me and I wanted nothing more than to give in. The loud mewing of the cats was fading as I typed and hit send.

_You win_.

I waited, and waited, and looked nervously across the street. He wasn't in his office, because he stepped into view on the sidewalk from the south. He stood at the window and smiled gently. His body moved in slow motion towards the door and I couldn't breathe. The bell rang as I gasped for a breath and caught a whiff of his cologne. I knew he would smell great. Men like him never smelled anything but incredible.

"Bella, are you saying you will go out with me?" His voice was the perfect blend of bass and tenor.

I was terrified when I spoke and my voice sounded like sandpaper. "I would prefer you come to my house and we watch a movie."

He smiled and I became suddenly worried he would misunderstand and think I was inviting him over for a tryst. I wish I was inviting him over for a tryst.

"I'll bring Chinese," he offered.

I nodded and couldn't speak. The tension was so thick; I felt my tongue moving across my dry lips and instantly bit down to stop its progression.

"No ties," I finally blurted out.

He laughed and I actually sighed. Sighed, damn it! A small breathy moan escaped at the incredible sound of his laughing. What in the world did this perfect creation want with me? I couldn't fathom his interest.

"Jeans or sweats?" he asked.

"Flannels," I responded.

"What?"

"Flannels, you know plaid brushed cotton and a vintage rocker tee."

He laughed louder and let his head fall to the side. "Where have you been my whole life?"

I blushed and wanted to stop my heart from trying to believe this could be real. I could tell him I have been staring out the window watching life go by, but never rolling into the midst of it. I had the words right on my tongue. I could simply ask him to step behind me and look at the tiny electric contraption hiding behind my frame, but my heart wanted him so badly I couldn't form the words.

I would tell him when he came over. I would watch him try to be polite and not respond, but his body would slowly tense, and Patty would suddenly be a much more viable solution.

"Time and title," he said to confuse me.

"Huh," was my brilliant response, obviously exhibiting my need for the delay email could afford a less than stellar wit.

"What time and which movie should I bring?" He clarified.

"Oh, well Saturday evening would work," I instantly began trying to remember what time it grew dark so I couldn't see his disappointment so clearly. "How about 8:00?"

He smiled wider, "How about 7:00?"

My heart went from thump…..thump…..thump. To thump..thump..thump.

"I'll supply the movie since you are bringing the food," I offered. "What's your genre?"

He shrugged before scaring the crap out of me, "I don't plan on watching much."

_LIFEGUARD_, I wanted to scream, sensing I had jumped in way over my head. He had way more in mind than a simple date. Of course he did, guys like him had women falling to the ground like Barbie dolls with their legs in the air. I had to find a way to retreat.

"Wait," he said, "That didn't sound right. I meant I want to talk with you and get to know you."

Sure he did! The tall shiny building spending time with the old brick brownstone for conversation, I wasn't stupid. "Edward, there is still the issue of my boyfriend."

The threat of another man would surely dampen his libido. I noticed how he glanced toward the stairs at Mike's office, Cuddles had obviously talked. He apparently didn't buy the whole fact I would be able to resist him and profess true love for someone like Mike. Maybe I could pull off the loyal girl, standing by her man as he ate his way into cardiac arrest.

Edward put his hands on my desk leaning in on his long, slender fingers, perfectly sculpted to lick and suck on. His green eyes were freckled with brown spots and I wanted to count each one and draw pictures of them in my diary, marking them as you would a constellation.

"Let's not tell him," he whispered.

I only nodded and felt my palms begin to sweat. He pushed away and chuckled at his obvious ability to bring me whimpering to his will. I was mad, and happy, and embarrassed, and wanted to sing songs from 'The Sound of Music."

"I'll see you Saturday," he said, bringing me out of my drunken stupor.

"Let me give you the address," I said, reaching for a post it.

"Bella, come on, you're insulting my spy skills. I'm Cullen, Edward Cullen." He opened the door and left laughing at his own joke.

Did he know…had his investigations given him the information I was too terrified to give? If he knew where I lived he had to have seen the ramp, he most likely had pictures of me rolling in and out of my apartment. I felt sick.


	5. Chapter 5

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 5

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 5

**Feel the Electricity**

Saturday's usually only last five hours. The weekends pass at a lightning fast pace to usher in the snail crawl of the work week. Today was taking weeks to pass. I cleaned the apartment until it sparkled, spent hours on my hair and makeup, changed my KISS t-shirt for my Zeppelin, and finally settling on my vintage black Pink Floyd.

I vacillated back and forth between answering the door in my chair, or yelling for him to come in from the safety of the couch. I couldn't decide if I wanted to get the shock out of the way up front, or enjoy the evening, and then watch the finale before he left.

I decided to play the normal girl for as long as I could, and placed my chair in the closet, and sat on the couch to wait. At exactly two minutes before seven a soft knock sounded on the door. I almost began to cry. I was terrified and wanted nothing more than the ability to run away, instead I choked out the words, "Come in."

The door opened and Adonis stood filling the frame of my doorway. He hadn't shaved and had light stubble, his usually perfectly coiffed hair was without gel and a beautiful mess. I smiled at the Twisted Sisters t-shirt and black plaid flannels over flip flops. He was the perfect man, my modern day David.

His hands were filled with cardboard boxes and chopsticks, so I pointed to the coffee table dressed in various plates, bowls, and an assortment of American beers. He kicked the door shut with his foot, and stepped out of his flip flops, before sitting the food on the coffee table and picking up a beer.

He sat next to me and turned to give me a smile that made my uterus take notice. "Hi," he said seductively. I'm sure it was the way he spoke to everyone, but sitting here on my couch it sounded seductive to me.

"Hi," I said, as I felt my stupid, immature, face blush.

His smile widened and he turned to sit facing me; mirroring my position on the couch. He looked at me for a moment then took a long swig from his bottle. I watched his throat move up and down and felt my fingers twitch as they begged to reach out and touch him. I tightened my hold on my own bottle instead.

"I'm the son of Carlisle and Esme Cullen, Esme being my step mother. I am twenty five, graduated from Northwestern's Masters Business program, I hate olives, love the Cubs more than my life, and I bite my nails because I was weaned off the bottle too young."

He sat perfectly still waiting for me to take my turn at summing my life up in one paragraph. I had an easier plan.

"You prefer the color blue, and like Armani over Lauren. Wednesdays are the most stressful day for you, and when you are in a bad mood you talk to the guy with blond curls, I call him Scarecrow. You are too nice to shoot down forward girls and you love to be irreverent, but only when your father can't see. And you do bite your nails too short. "

He looked at me with his mouth hanging open and then laughed hard. "That is amazing. You're a psychic aren't you, I should have known, Madame Bella has a ring to it."

"I am just very observant," I shared.

"Okay, let me try," he offered. I took a deep breath and braced myself for what he had seen ,or even more terrifying, what he had missed.

"You come to work early, because you like being there without him. You eat at your desk, because you fancy yourself a self sacrificing person. You see people for what they really are, because they become accustomed to you sitting at your desk and forget to behave appropriately. You have no idea how beautiful you are and blush when a man looks at you with desire."

I looked down and felt myself blush annoyingly. I couldn't keep the truth from spilling out of my mouth.

"I come to work early, because I have nothing else to do. I eat at my desk, because I have no place else to go. I see people, because they never see me. No man has ever looked at me with desire."

It was quiet and I was afraid to look up. I was sure he was looking for every possible escape route from the emo girl he was stuck with for the evening.

"Bella?" he whispered.

I looked up, only with my eyes, and he smiled at me, so I finally grew a pair and lifted my head. He reached out and picked up my hand pulling it to his mouth, and kissed it lightly. I felt a tear fall from my eyes and he scooted closer and wiped it from my cheek.

"I have been searching for someone like you for so long," his voice was husky and full of emotion.

I wanted to believe him, but he didn't know everything yet ,and I couldn't find my voice to tell him. I took a shaky breath and said the only thing I could think of. "I'm hungry."

He let go of my hand and rubbed his palms together. "Orange chicken or Beef and broccoli?"

"Orange chicken," I squealed.

He made me a plate of rice and chicken and handed me a fresh beer. I wanted to down the beers as fast as I could and make everything easier to deal with, but the fear of needing to pee and having to crawl my way to the bathroom kept me responsible.

He ate expertly with chop sticks, while I began using my fingers. I noticed he watched me put some food in my mouth and then lick my fingers. His eyes seemed to darken and he licked his lips involuntarily. Men were such predictable creatures; even bad manners could turn them on. How do I back my way out of this corner? I finally broke down and asked him to please get me a fork. He looked disappointed as he stood and made his way into my tiny kitchen.

He looked back at me and said, "You have to come see this."

My blood turned to ice. What should I do, hobble slowly holding on to various furniture, or tell him to bring me my chair?

"If it is a young couple trying to fit into one pair of jeans I have seen it more times than I care to admit."

He laughed and returned with a fork. "If it was on the screen it would be considered porn, but in the courtyard it is true love." He laughed at his observation.

"I think a better term would be teen mom."

He laughed louder and scooted closer again. "Tell me about yourself."

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything, start with the day you were born."

I choked on my rice and had to take a drink of my beer. "Much better," I teased. "Not nearly as obvious as asking my age."

He crossed his legs in front of himself on the couch and looked at me anxiously.

"I'm twenty-three," I caved.

He smiled and nodded for me to continue.

"I was born in Washington and moved to Chicago with my mother for the superior social services the city has to offer. I took my GED at sixteen, so I could get a job and move out onto my own. I have been working for Mike Newton for the past five years."

His smile faded as my words sunk in. People like me didn't exist in his perfect world, unless it was a charity he was attending for the photo op and the tax break.

"I'm not trying to be difficult, Edward, we just have nothing in common," I said truthfully.

"We have come from two different worlds, but that doesn't mean we have nothing in common. I find you fascinating and not in a project, go slumming, kind of way."

My mouth fell open and I tried to be offended, but only ended up laughing at his phrasing. "I may find you fascinating and not in a hanging onto your coattails, sleeping my way out of the ghetto, kind of way."

He held his beer out for me to clink in a toast as we both laughed. "What movie did you pick?" he asked.

"Tombstone."

"Costner or Russell?"

"Russell, of course."

He jumped up and put the disc in the machine, before returning to the couch and putting his legs behind me lying across the cushions, as he patted the spot in front of him. I sat my plate down and crawled my way up his body and put my head on the pillow he was offering to share. He pulled the afghan from the couch back and covered us both. My heart was racing and I only hoped he didn't feel my entire body shaking.

His warm arm draped over my body as his other arm snaked its way under my neck. I could smell his wonderful skin. It smelled like muscles, and hair, and everything male, and I couldn't help but inhale. The movie was only half way finished when he began playing with my hair. He would twirl it around his fingers and move his face into my curls and inhale.

I slowly turned to observe him with fascination; he was oblivious to my eyes watching him, just like my window. He lifted my hair and watched it fall slowly from his hand onto his chest and he smiled unknowingly.

His eyes suddenly met mine and I felt electricity in the air. He stared without smiling and I felt exposed and naked. He was seeing me, I mean really seeing me, and it was terrifying and exhilarating. It was the perfect movie moment for a kiss, scripted to cause girls to sigh 'ah' in unison.

But he didn't try to kiss me; he cleared his throat and let his hand drop back lazily across me. I turned back to the movie and couldn't tell you a single thing that happened on the screen from that moment forward.

The room filled with the crackle and static of an electric storm, I actually had a moment where I thought about the battery on my wheelchair and hoped it wouldn't be damaged. Edward moved his legs and I could hear the small shocks of electricity between our flannel pants. He laughed and reached over to touch my nose causing a slight shock.

"Hey," I cried out rubbing the stunned skin.

"Look what you do to me," he teased.

"What, make you a mild version of Frankenstein?"

He made a face and put his hand around my throat as if to choke me. "No, you get me all worked up."

I felt my face turn red and he moved his hand from my throat to my cheek. "I love how you blush."

"Humiliation is usually not a marketable feature." I covered my face with my hands and he slowly traced my fingers with his. I had to remind myself he had tons of practice at seduction and I shouldn't read too much into his actions. Everything he did seemed so sweet, and so spontaneous, something only years of practice could produce.

He pulled his hands to his own chest and snuggled into my neck. "Sing something to me," he said as he yawned.

"Excuse me?" Whatever gave him the impression I could sing; my virginal Mary Poppins persona, or my 'How do you solve a problem like Maria' demeanor?

"Sing to me," he said again. "Anything… doesn't have to be difficult."

I launched into a very serious version of head, shoulders, knees and toes, causing him to roar with laughter. He sat up holding onto his stomach as his humor calmed down. I was smiling at his wonderful face, and began thinking of becoming a dog person when reality hit me.

"Come with me to the fundraiser. I would love for you to meet my family," he leaned in closer lying across my body. "And I would love to dance with you."

I tensed and turned my face away from him. "I can't Edward. I think you should be leaving."

He pulled back quickly and I could see how his shoulders slumped. I felt awful, but his words stung. He didn't know, and I couldn't hate him for his ignorance, but talking about dancing with me hurt beyond what I thought possible.

He climbed over me, and stood quietly, while I pulled myself up to sit on the couch. I couldn't look at his face. "Thank you for the dinner," I mumbled, keeping my eyes down.

He kneeled in front of me without touching me. "Did I do something wrong, Bella?"

I shook my head and refused to make eye contact. He reached out slowly and put his hand on my cheek and leaned in to my ear, "Goodnight," he whispered, and then kissed my cheek. He put on his flip flops and left.

I sat perfectly still. I could feel his warm breath on my face and I didn't want the feeling to go away. I placed my hand where his had just been and closed my eyes. I wanted him more than I ever wanted anything in my life. I wanted to be held in his arms and twirl around the dance floor in a beautiful gown. I beat my fist onto my useless legs and let my tears soak into the flannel.


	6. Chapter 6

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 6

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 6

**Feel the Frustration**

For the first time in my life I hated the large window in front of me. I didn't want to look at the world. I wanted to remain hidden and not have to put myself on the line. That was what it boiled down to, and deep down I knew it was my own fears holding me back.

She-Ra would never let a little electronic chair keep her from rolling down the side walk with her head held high. Bubbles would hook up flashing strobe lights and play loud music if she had my contraption. Patty would add plastic decorations to make it look like a bike instead of a chair. I needed to find some moxie and join the world instead of bowing down to it.

I watched closely for Edward to pass my window, but he never did. There was no offer of coffee or soft knocks on the glass. I was even hoping for Cuddles to come by for solidarity in his 'no tie' war. Nothing. It was exactly what I deserved.

I rolled to the front door, and for the first time in years, I opened it. I moved to the light pole and pressed the button. When the light turned, and the walk signal began its countdown, I froze. What was I going to do roll in and say, "Hi Edward, as you see I can't dance but I would love to make babies with you?"

I turned and went back into the office and back behind my desk. I noticed my email envelop signifying I had mail, so I brought it up. Edward.

**I'm at a loss here, Bella. Tell me what you need from me.**

I decided right then and there I would get it over with. I would be brave and let my heart have hope until he did something to break it.

_I can't go with you to the fundraiser, and dance with you, because I can't walk._

I hit send and knew it was blunt and cruel the way I phrased it, but now he knew. Now he could plan an alternate route to work ,and make sure he was on an important call when he had to pass my window. He was nice, so I'm sure courteous smiles and waves would be exchanged.

There was no response the first hour. Nothing the second hour. After the fifth hour I gave up hope and let my heart break. I looked up pet stores and humane societies on my computer ,and when Mike asked me for a copy of his rental agreement I lost my temper.

"Do you even know how to turn on the piece of crap sitting in front of you? It's on the shared drive, put the doughnut down and look it up."

I think I just lost my job. He marched down the stairs trying to stomp as he stepped. Trying, like his massive weight wouldn't make enough noise. He came into view, and something on my face must have made him reconsider what he was going to say, since he turned right back around and marched up the stairs.

I locked up and left. I sat in my van and looked in the mirror. I needed a change. I needed something to lift my spirits and be happy again in my own company. I got back out of the van and made my way to a salon and spa in the bottom floor of a bank building. I sat in my chair staring at the door when a beautiful woman walked up to enter the establishment.

She held open the door for me to enter and I looked up at her in shock. "Um….I'm trying to decide if I'm going in or not."

"Take my advice; it will make everything seem so much better."

Her smile was so kind and I decided to go for it, what was I saving my money for anyway….more cats?

A woman with the most bizarre colors was behind the desk. Her hair was maroon and her lipstick was brown and I could swear her skin was yellow. She asked if I had an appointment. I opened my mouth and the kind lady next to me spoke.

"She is my guest today, Celestial."

I looked at her and mouthed, "Celestial?"

The woman smiled and covered her mouth with her fingers to hide her amusement. She was obviously a very cultured lady.

"Come right this way Mrs. Cullen and….."

I gasped and looked up and the woman.

"Your name, dear."

"Um….Bella."

Celestial glared at me. "This way Um, Bella."

Why was I nature's punching bag? I could have come to this place a million times and never run into Mrs. Cullen. Now, she could sit around the family dinner table swapping tales with Edward on their common charity towards a crippled girl.

I followed Celestial dutifully, and when she handed me a sarong to put on I whispered that I could walk, if she had a safe place for my chair. She pointed to a handicap sign on a dressing room and I entered. When I shuffled out in extreme pain Mrs. Cullen was waiting for me.

"Let me help, dear," she said taking my arm and letting me lean on her. She helped me into a chair that automatically laid back and raised high off the ground. A plethora of women came in and began working on every exposed surface I had. I was glad I had my savings card with me. This was going to be a huge bill.

"Are you here for a special purpose, Mrs. Cullen?" a worker asked.

"I have a benefit for the children's hospital this weekend."

I felt sick to my stomach.

"And you?" she said turning to me.

"Oh, I just needed a change," I said embarrassed.

"May I suggest Carlos," the woman said, as if that would make sense to me. "He will have you looking like a totally different person."

I only nodded but Mrs. Cullen spoke up. "No, not Carlos, she's a beautiful girl." She looked over at me and smiled warmly. "I'm sure just a little pampering is all you need."

Was she kidding me? I needed an entirely different body, and getting 'the works' was not going to help my useless legs.

"Edward has been chewing his nails again," the woman said to Mrs. Cullen.

She sighed and let her head fall back. "My poor Edward, he is love sick and the girl won't give him a chance."

"What does he want with one woman? He is young and should be happy with several young women."

I suddenly hated this nosey woman offering her unsolicited advice. What business was it of hers if Edward bit his nails? Oh, yeah, she does his nails. I let my head fall back and relaxed. This was amazing and would be worth emptying my entire saving account.

I was startled when the chair began sitting me up and hoped I hadn't been snoring or drooling. Mrs. Cullen put her arm out for me and escorted me to a salon chair for a haircut.

"Vat are ve doings today?" a man with tight jeans and a shirt exposing his midriff asked.

"Um…" My word of the day. "What do you suggest?"

Esme cleared her throat and got my attention. "You have beautiful hair, dear, I would just have a trim and maybe try it straightened for a new look."

I nodded and thanked her again and again for her suggestion. After I made my way into the dressing room, and came out in my chair, she was gone. I went to the front counter and asked Celestial what I owed. She flipped her wrist at me and told me my bill was paid.

"No, I can't let Mrs. Cullen pay for me. Please just take my card and credit hers."

"She pays in cash," the woman said, as if I was stupid.

"Um…" Damn it, there was that word again. "Can you tell me how much my portion was so I can pay her back?"

"Five hundred," she said without even looking at me.

I chuckled and not because I found it funny. I found it absurd and wondered how I would get five hundred in cash to send to her.

I headed back towards my van, and decided to see if Edward ever responded to my email. I stared into the dark, empty street ,waiting for my email to come up. Nothing. The drive home seemed so much longer, and the steering wheel felt weird to my new nails.

I pulled into my parking spot and did the whole ramp, chair, van routine, and headed with my eyes down to my apartment. I rolled up the incline and turned towards the door when I saw someone move on the step. I looked up to see Edward sitting there staring at me.

I grabbed my heart out of fear….at first…then it was out of embarrassment.

"You scared me," I said, as I turned away from him.

"I'm sorry." His voice was loud and strong, and I had a feeling he wasn't talking about the fright he just gave me.

"No problem," I said, trying to sound unaffected.

"Bella, at least have the decency to look at me."

I snapped my head around to look into his face, lower than mine because he was still sitting on the step.

"Wow," he gasped. "You look incredible."

I just shook my head at him. It was easy for his world to look beautiful.

"Of course I look incredible, Edward. I have nails I will have to dig off, because I can't afford to keep them up, make up that cost more than my pay checks, and hair done by a professional German stylist, who I couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman."

His eyes widened and then he broke out in laughter.

"That's not even the funny part, Edward. A woman I didn't know paid for it all, wait for it… YOUR MOM."

"My mom?" he said stunned.

"Yes, and I have to figure out how to pay her back, which will take years on my salary." I finally fell into tears and he jumped up onto his knees and wrapped his arms around me.

"Edward, please don't say anything right now; I won't know if it's the makeup, or the crying, or just pity."

"You are the most frustrating person I have ever met," he growled into my freshly straightened hair.

It wasn't the comeback I was expecting. Where was my, 'Oh Bella, it's you I love beyond all comprehension.' He pulled back and looked at me, making sure I didn't have suicide written all over my face, and let out a long sigh.

"Can I email you tomorrow, make sure you are okay?"

Those were the words I was waiting for, we would be email buddies. I could now count the number of friends I had on one finger, if you counted cyber buddies. He would confide deeply held secrets and have assurance they would be safe because, heck, who would I tell.

I nodded and tried to smile but it was too much effort and I gave up. He held the door open for me and I mumbled something like, 'haveagonight.'


	7. Chapter 7

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 7

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 7

**Feel the Fun**

I had a horrible night's sleep due to my napping during the spa treatment. I tried to forget Edward, then tried to imagine him with me, then tried to imagine him with various movie stars, which was a lot easier, until I got to Miley Cyrus and it just turned creepy.

I was at my desk less than ten minutes when I got a email alert.

**Feeling better?**

_Sadly all evidence of mother's charity washed down the drain. Except good for nothing nails._

**Good for back scratches.**

I was right back into cat country. I looked at my nails and imagined them long and twisted ,as I scraped them across the arched back of my mewing cat.

_People can't see back scratches. Hair and makeup are visual_.

**Secret…she needs it, you don't.**

I knew it, I was becoming his counselor, someone safe and confidential he could share things like judgments of his mother.

_Not a big giver on Mother's Day, I'm guessing._

**Step mom, remember?**

_Ah, Greg Brady, that's right_.

**Need help, brother still rebelling**.

I really should be Madame Bella, I called this one exactly. Although, I had to admit he was fun to play with. You would never dream he was next in line to a global empire, maybe I should call him Skywalker, not David. I imagined him naked and went right back to David.

_Expose dictator, let the people vote_.

**Dictator pays bills**.

_Wuss!_

**I KNOW!**

_Tell rebelling brother to invest in ugly clip on ties. Dictator will cave when presented with worse option_.

**Genius!**

_I KNOW_!

**Hold on, Dictator in room**.

I sat there laughing, as I tried to imagine what was going on in that large impressive building. I guess Mr. Cullen ruled with an iron fist and his grown sons are still afraid to challenge him. Speaking of awful bosses Mike came dragging in, he looked at me warily and I smiled, letting him know my emotional breakdown was over.

After half an hour another email appeared.

**Remember fundraiser? Sick babies?**

_The one I will **not **be attending, yes_.

**You are condemning me to a night with a traffic cone. How do you sleep?**

_Pull up big boy boxers and use the word 'no'_.

**Are you talking dirty to me, Bella?**

I could feel my face blush and was glad he couldn't see me. Cyber sex was not something I was willing to try when just plain, ordinary, sex was beyond my grasp.

_Get mind out of gutter_.

**What if I beg?**

I laughed loudly, not knowing if he was begging for me to go to the benefit, or to talk dirty to him. I didn't know which would be worse.

_Um….exactly what would you be begging for?_

**LOL. **He was actually using LOL again. **I'm open for anything**.

_Enjoy night with traffic cone, and for good measure….mud, dust, sand, shit_.

**Hi Bella, this is Emmett. Had to come see what _Ed Head_ was laughing so hard about**.

I smiled when I imagined them across the street. Edward's laughter was an amazing sight and people over there got to see it often, I'm sure. It was awful to be so close to the beautiful building full of beautiful people and not be a part of it.

_Ed Head?_

**Better than Sex Ed. That one used to make him cry**.

_As a child right?_

**No, yesterday**.

I sat at my desk laughing so loudly Mike began stirring up above me. I pulled it back and tried to make it sound like I was coughing or something.

**Don't listen to Emmett. Tie causing lack of oxygen**.

_Rebellion over?_

**Only for big meeting**.

_No convictions, so disappointed_.

**Have to run, email later?**

_Remember mantra… Self Rule!_

**I love you, you're crazy!**

I sat staring at the screen with my heart in my throat. No man, hell, nobody, ever said those three words to me. I had to remind myself he was kidding and playing along with me to ease his guilt. He found a way to tell me he was dating someone else without it hurting so much. He was a pro; I had to give him that. I would have to settle for friend and right now it was more than I ever imagined, so friend he would be.

I was watching the lunch crowd and my eyes were drawn to something I had never noticed. Mrs. Cullen was walking across the walk with Bubbles, and they looked amazingly alike. Bubbles was the step sister Edward told me about. Duh! So the Scarecrow must be his best friend who is engaged to Bubbles.

I did something I had never done in the five years I worked at that large window, I ducked. I leaned under my desk to hide from their eyes. When the hideous bell rang I jumped up, banging my head on the edge of the desk. I might as well get 'loser' tattooed across my forehead.

"Are you okay?" Mrs. Cullen asked, her eyes widening when she saw it was me.

"Yeah, just my pride is wounded," I said as I rubbed my head.

Bubbles smiled and stepped forward. "I'm Alice, Edward's sister." Her voice was high and she bounced as she spoke. "This is my mother Esme Cullen."

"I already know Bella," Esme interrupted. "We spent a lovely evening together last night."

Alice looked at her mom for a minute and then her eyes darted back to me with understanding. "We didn't want to interrupt, I just wanted to say hello." She tried to cover, but I was certain she didn't come in just to say hello.

"Actually," Esme cut in. "We wanted to ask you to lunch."

I felt my face redden. Alice had rescinded the offer when she realized I was the handicapped girl her mother had befriended. Esme obviously had plans to continue on with her charity work.

I glanced at Alice and noticed how uncomfortable she was. "I'm really sorry; I have to work through lunch today." I wasn't about to force her to sit, bouncing ,next to the handicapped booth.

Esme looked authentically disappointed. "Perhaps another day?"

I nodded and smiled before lowering my eyes so they could give each other knowing glances. I heard the bell signal their retreat, and then watched them speak to She-Ra, as she met them on the walk. Her crystal blue eyes looked over at me as Alice spoke, so I leaned my head on my hand letting my hair fall to block my view of them, and their view of me.

I began thinking of ways to redecorate my office so I would no longer have to look out the big window. I just didn't know who I could get to move everything for me; manual labor would most likely kill Mike.

I pulled my brown bag from the drawer right as an e-mail alert came. It was Edward texting from his phone again.

**What exactly is Pate'?**

I smiled at his ignorance of the elegances in his life.

_Goose liver._

**Fork…are you kidding me?**

_Goose or Duck, but it is supposed to be a delicacy so stop whining_.

**Wanna trade?**

_For my lunchable, no way!_

**What kind?**

_Pizza._

**What's the dessert?**

_Reece's Peanut butter cup._

**I'm sending someone for it.**

_Sorry, they will return empty handed_.

**I'll buy it from you.**

_Not for sale_.

**Everyone has a price.**

_My lunchable is non-negotiable_.

I didn't hear back for a bit and finally came his reply.

**Tasted delicacy, want to die.**

_Stop trying to guilt me out of my lunchable_.

**Can't get taste out of mouth, seriously, _Want. To. die_**_._

_Lemon water, salt tongue first_.

Another pause, and I could picture him trying to coat his tongue in salt before taking a swig of lemon water. It made me laugh just trying to picture it.

**Solution worked, glares from dictator**.

_Blow him kiss._

**I think I'm now up for adoption**.

I looked at what I typed and debated rather to send it or not. I decided since we were going to be cyber buddies I could say pretty much anything I wanted, so I hit send.

_Looking for strays, will take you in._

**Having entire belongings moved at this moment**.

How I wished that were true. I couldn't image having someone as privileged as Edward living in my little apartment, with the cold floors, and limited hot water. It would mean we would have to snuggle at night and shower together. I really needed to stop thinking about that!

_Didn't invite belongings, just stray_.

**I can live without belongings!**

_That's what they all say._

He was obviously called back to work and the texting stopped for over two hours. I saw a limo pull up in front of the building and held my breath in anticipation. I saw Mr. Cullen get out first. He wasn't smiling, and just the look of him intimidated me. Cuddles got out next and began removing his tie. Mr. Cullen said something and it seemed they were in a deep conversation over the infamous tie.

Edward finally came into view. The car drove off, but Edward remained, facing me with a huge smile on his face. I smiled back and pointed to his father and brother still discussing, with Emmett's tie half way off.

Edward remained facing me and removed his tie. He gave me a fist pump and walked over to join his brother and father. Poor Mr. Cullen, he looked exasperated when he saw Edward without a tie. Both brothers fell into laughter as their father turned on his heels and walked away angrily.

I felt a little guilty for causing drama in their lives, but I honestly didn't see the big deal about Emmett wearing a tie. He squirmed so much in it everyone around him felt their own throats tightening. She-Ra approached at that moment and Edward backed away giving me the shhhhh sign with his finger over his mouth. I was beginning to believe She-Ra was more of an issue than Mr. Cullen.

Edward barely had time to get back to his office when another email came.

**Family name dependent on me, brother will lose ability to procreate over tie**.

_My contribution to overpopulation of world_.

**I knew you were a closet environmentalist**.

_Drive huge van, v-8 engine, devours ozone with single use._

**Must try Jaguar, before father takes it away.**

I wanted nothing more than to say, _pick me up gorgeous_. The day had been fun, but I had to remind him why we were cyber buddies, and nothing more.

_No room for wheelchair_.

**Don't need wheelchair, very strong arms**.

I sat quiet for a moment fighting the inner battle of taking him up on his offer or being reasonable. I didn't have to decide. He emailed quickly again.

**We need to talk; can I come by after fundraiser?**

_What about traffic cone?_

**Only on loan for the evening, nothing more.**

_Edward_. I replied.

I knew he would understand the words I was trying to convey. His name said it all for me. It expressed the doubt, and the pain, and the hope, all rolled into one word. He held every dream I ever had, and also every disappointment, too. My happiness now depended on him and that was a heavy burden to expect him to carry.

**I will be there around ten, until then, goodbye Bella.**

He was a top rate manipulator. He pulled me in with all his funny emails and made me comfortable, then he snuck in an invitation to come by my house, and I fell for it. To up the ante he dropped off my radar for the rest of the week. I didn't catch so much as a glimpse of him, or hear so much as a peep. By Saturday I was desperate for any contact at all, and could hear the damn cats screeching in my sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 8

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 8

**Feel the Love**

I watched the clock. I listened for any sound of a fast car. I put my chair away three separate times before sitting anxiously on the couch. I turned on the news and had to look at his glorious face next to Patty's. He actually took Plastic Patty to the fundraiser. The family stood with a giant check; I noticed how she pressed her body into him trying to make it look like they were headed to the altar.

I finally realized why Bubbles wore the huge heels. The family was tall and stood erect looking down at the rest of the world. It was the only way she could stand with them and not be one of the 'little' people.

I giggled when I saw Emmett pull on the collar of his tux, but stopped when I saw Patty run her blood-red fake nails across Edward's chest. It conjured up images of the witch fingers kids buy for Halloween. I wished I knew how to make poison apples.

When the segment ended I sat anxiously awaiting his arrival. I was sure the footage wasn't live but it was now 10:45. The thought I had been stood up crossed my mind. I felt my heart speed up in panic and tears threaten to form when a soft knock sounded on my door.

"Edward?" I called out.

He opened the door and stepped inside. The television did not do him justice. He looked like the tiny groom on a wedding cake. I wanted to lift him up and lick the frosting from his body.

"Do you mind if I get comfortable?" He asked.

I knew he meant the tux he was wearing, but I hoped he meant lying across my body, as I used my new nails to run up and down his back. I nodded and swallowed loudly as he removed his jacket, tie, and shoes. He pulled his shirt tail from his pants and looked at me sheepishly as he removed his belt, too.

"Not the gala type, I'm assuming?"

He rolled his eyes and stated, "You have no idea."

"I saw you on TV; you looked very handsome."

"Thank you, I thought I would have to get Tanya surgically removed from my side," he complained.

"Patty's name is Tanya?" I said out loud accidentally.

"Patty?"

I felt my face blush and realized I had left him standing in the middle of the room. I nodded toward the couch and he came to sit next to me.

"I call her Plastic Patty, I know it is rude."

He looked confused so I clarified. "She looks like everything on her is made of plastic."

He fell onto his side laughing and looked back at me with very dilated eyes. "I happen to know for a fact it is."

Why would he throw that fact in my face? I know there were more women than just Patty willing to let him touch their various assets. Maybe he thought I would view it as a challenge and try to keep up. I could smell the liquor on him and everything suddenly made sense.

"Are you drunk, Edward?"

"Um, yeah, I think I am." His face went from serious into the cutest boyish grin, and I wanted to spank him for being naughty.

"You drove here drunk?" I felt my heart drop a little in disappointment.

"No, I've been sitting outside in my car trying to get courage to come in. It took on the form of liquid courage; I'm afraid I drank the entire bottle of champagne I was going to give to you."

"Why in the world would you need courage to come here?" I was sure he was teasing with me. Unless he was planning on hurting me and was feeling guilty about it. I prepared myself for the worst, but what he said, I wasn't prepared for.

"Because I'm afraid you won't want me."

Did the world just tilt off its axis? Is it April's fools day? I must be part of the Matrix and my program is not functioning properly. Me not want him?

"Edward, we come from totally different worlds and I am afraid you don't understand that. You are so used to getting what you want, you don't think about what you need."

"That's why I like you so much, you aren't from my world. That is why I need you."

"How can this possibly work? Do you suppose you will introduce me to your family and we all bond immediately? I'll go shopping with your sisters and they will realize my chair doesn't define me. Your father will hire me and pay me enough to make spa dates with your mother, and you will write a big check to have my legs fixed so we can dance at galas."

He was trying to concentrate on my words and I noticed how he swayed when he sat back up.

"This isn't a Cinderella story, Edward, this is real life. I don't have a fairy god mother to set everything right. I don't even have the proper wardrobe to date you."

He looked at my tank top and flannels and his eyes moved back up and remained on my tank top, causing me to cross my arms over my chest. He looked up with a big grin. "I like your clothes."

"Grow up," I mumbled.

"Bella, I need to say this before the second half of the bottle kicks in. I spend time with women in clothes that I can't even put my arm around them for fear of causing a wrinkle. I take them to dinner and they push the food around never taking a bite, and go right to the bathroom to vomit any aroma they may have accidentally swallowed. I can only take them to places where they can be seen, because they have no actual interest in me. They could care less what I think or what I feel, and don't understand if I don't want the pleasure of screwing them as they fake an orgasm. And, if my dad fired me they wouldn't even return my calls."

He moved closer to me. "I came here and you had on a t-shirt and flannels. You ate with your fingers and let me play with your hair. You sang a ridiculous song to me and when I leaned over your body inappropriately you kicked my ass out of here. It was the best date I ever had."

I couldn't stop the tears no matter how hard I tried. That was the most romantic thing I had ever heard. It didn't change anything, because it was coming from the mouth of a drunk, but it was so romantic.

"Being different is fun until it becomes just more of the same," I said as I wiped my tears.

He looked at me in confusion and the swaying increased. "You could never bore me," he slurred, giving up on making sense of my sentence.

I pushed him back against the couch before he could fall onto the ground. I decided to talk openly, since the chance he would remember it was slim.

"You talk about women faking it with you; well I have never even kissed a man. You were my first date ever."

His smiled widened. "I was your first?"

"Date," I emphasized. "My first date."

He reached out, trying to focus, and picked up a strand of my hair. "I want to be all your firsts."

"Sure you do, Romeo," I said, as his hand fell, and all my female parts begged me to make it so.

He smiled again and this time I couldn't help but smile back at him. He was three sheets to the wind and had no idea what he was saying and doing.

"I think you're so pretty," he said dropping his head to look at me through his eyelashes.

"Yeah, but will you still say that tomorrow?" I laughed.

His brow furrowed and he sighed loudly, "You don't believe me."

"You're a bit inebriated, love."

His head snapped up and his eyes brightened. "I love that. Inebriated, inebriated, that's a funny word."

I laughed and he looked over at me. "I loved how you called me, love," he said as he slid his head closer to me. "I love everything about you, Bella Swan."

I stared at him and realized I couldn't send him away in this condition. I had no idea where he lived and couldn't help him into my van if I wanted too. He was going to have to sleep it off and part of me loved that idea and another part of me was terrified.

"You are going to make some woman very happy someday," I said as I ran my hand through his hair. He closed his eyes and licked his lips.

"I want it to be you," he said softly.

"It can't be me," I told him honestly. "My legs don't work."

"I don't want your legs, I want your heart."

I pulled my hand back so I could see his face, and it surprised me to see he was looking right at me. His eyes looked so sad, and I felt that tiny grain of hope rattle around in my heart.

"Why won't you let me love you?" he asked, as his dilated pupils bore right into my soul.

"I'm too afraid," I whispered.

"I wouldn't hurt you," he promised.

"You wouldn't mean too, but you would.

"Come here," he said with breathy authority and I froze.

"Come here, Bella," he said again with more force. All I had to do was lean against the sofa and we would be almost touching noses, but I was too scared. I didn't know what I was doing, and in his condition he was liable to laugh at me, or make some comment that would rip into my heart.

"Lie down, Edward, and get some sleep," I instructed him as I pulled the afghan from the back of the sofa. He fell to his side and squirmed to lie flat on the cushions. I scooted down and began unbuttoning his shirt ,wanting him to sleep in his t-shirt and not the expensive designer clothes he was wearing.

He put his hand on my wrist causing me to look at him. "Sleep here with me."

I nodded and he broke out into another heart stopping smile. I pulled him up to remove his shirt and he began unbuttoning his pants so I looked away. He wiggled out of the costly pants and I put them on the chair where his jacket was hanging.

He turned onto his side to make room for me and I lay down in front of him. This time his arm wrapped firmly around me and he pulled me up against his body tightly. I could feel his heart beating against my back, and how his chest would rise and fall with each breath. He put one leg over mine locking me into his grasp.

"Bella," he said softly.

"Hum?"

"Tomorrow will you tell me what we talked about?"

"Not on your life, Cullen."

He chuckled and snuggled into my neck. "I love you, Bella."

"I love you, Edward," I said back, for the first, and most likely last, time.

There were no cats climbing onto us or trying to purr on my chest. Not even a stray hair to threaten allergies. I was lying in a man's arms and for one night I got to feel normal, I got to feel needed, I got to feel loved.


	9. Chapter 9

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 9

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 9

**Feel the Pain**

I felt Edward stir and realized I had turned over during the night and was snuggled tightly against him. We were entwined in each other's arms and legs, with my mouth up against his chest. He pulled his hand up to his eyes and rubbed them as he said, "Holy shit."

I tried my hardest to laugh quietly but my shaking chest caused him to pull back and look down at me. His eyes widened and he jumped up like a kid getting caught with the preacher's daughter. He looked down at his t-shirt and boxers and all out panic shot across his face.

"Relax, you didn't deflower the crippled girl," I said to tease him, but his face just became more stunned.

I noticed how he couldn't really stand still and figured an entire of bottle of champagne was sitting impatiently in his bladder.

"Down the hall on the left," I said as I sat up. He practically ran from the room and I made my way to the closet to retrieve my chair. I had nothing to offer him to relieve the hangover he was bound to have except Tylenol, so I put two in my hand and got him a small cup of water to sip.

He came back to the room slowly and I noticed how his hands were trying to discreetly cover his crotch.

"Your tux is over there," I nodded with my head as I held out the pills for him. He took the pills but shook his head to refuse the water and downed them dry. He put on his pants and then sat down on my couch.

I guess his courage was directly tied to the black material because his whole demeanor changed once his pants were securely fastened to his body.

"I'm sorry for making you take care of a drunk. It wasn't my intention."

I smiled at him and remembered his words about liquid courage. "It's usually the outcome when you guzzle an entire bottle of champagne."

"Did I at least share?" he tried to smile, but his embarrassment was front and center.

"Nope, it was a one man show at the drive in theater."

His eyebrows lifted for clarification. "You drank in your car."

"Well… fork," he said while shaking his head. "I guess I can't make you hate me any more."

"I don't hate you," I said, as kindly as I could.

He looked at me and I could see the pain in his eyes and I wanted to make it go away. It caused me pain to see him in pain.

"We slept together," I smiled, hoping he would laugh, but instead he looked absolutely mortified.

"Edward, we slept, we didn't have sex."

"Thank god," he whispered and my heart split in two.

I tried to focus on my nails and actually began doing times tables in my head to stop the tears from forming. He sat quietly just a few feet away and I didn't know how to give him a decent exit ,so I did the only thing I could think of, I turned my chair towards my bedroom and I left.

I heard him dressing and I got into the shower so my tears could fall unnoticed down the drain. I took my time dressing for the day and didn't bother drying my hair. I just let it form into wet curls.

I was stunned when I finally made my way back into the living room. He was still sitting on my couch only his head was in his hands. He looked up and his bloodshot eyes were a dead giveaway to how he was feeling.

"You can lie on my bed if you want. I won't bother you."

He sat back and sighed without taking his eyes off of me. "I came here to talk, but I have to admit I don't remember anything."

"There are no corners you need to talk your way out of, you are free to go," I smiled at him.

"I can't imagine what I said last night that would make you say that to me."

I lowered my head and hoped he didn't expect me to fill him in on last night's conversation.

"Edward, it hurts me to have hope that anything could develop between us. Do you understand that?"

"I'm trying to, but I need you to understand it hurts me to know you won't give us a chance."

I shook my head in disagreement. "What would possess you to want me?"

"Nobody has ever made me happy like you have."

"Over email, you know nothing about me."

"I want to learn, but you shut me out."

I couldn't stop the tears as I relived his comment from earlier. "Edward, you said thank god we didn't have sex."

He gasped and moved from the couch to kneel in front of me taking my hands in his. "Because I wouldn't have remembered it, that's what I meant, not that I would regret it happening."

I bit on my lip and looked away from him.

"Take your clothes off and I will have sex with you right now," he teased making me smile, when I so wanted to keep my righteous indignation.

"We actually had a pretty good talk last night. It was easier when I knew you wouldn't remember what I said."

"Can you give me the Clift notes?"

"You date snooty bitches and enjoy manner-less women like me."

He laughed and then groaned from the vibrations in his head. He laid his head on my lap and I ran my, finally good for something, nails through his hair to sooth his pounding head.

"Things are coming back to me. Did you tell me I was your first date?"

"Don't try to sound shocked, or I will remind you about complaining that women fake orgasms with you."

"I'm sorry, Bella, but I'm going to have to kill you."

I laughed and he sighed as I massaged his scalp harder.

He hands came around my waist and he began making slow circles on the small of my back. We sat there in our own little bubble, until we were interrupted by his cell phone ringing.

He crawled over to dig it out of his coat pocket and winced when he said hello. I could hear the loud shrill of a female voice and he quickly pulled the phone far from his ear.

"Stop," he begged. "I'm hung over as hell."

I could hear the conversation as he continued to keep the phone away from his ear.

"You snuck out, Edward, and I was going to make you breakfast in bed. You never came home."

"I'm with someone," he said emphatically.

"Really, please tell me it is not the legless girl?"

I felt like I had been kicked in the chest. It was the perfect example of how I would never fit into his world. He turned off the phone without responding and let his head fall.

"Jesus," he mumbled.

"Edward, please go," I begged. "Please, don't stay here and hurt me any further."

He nodded and stood. When he got to the door he stopped and spoke without turning around. "I'm sorry."

"I know," I said as my voice broke.

He walked out. It was that simple. I spent one night in his arms and the next day reality bitch slapped us both in the face.

I stared at the couch where he had held me just one short hour ago. I wanted to have the entire thing bronzed, so I could point to it and tell strangers it was where I got to love Edward for one night.

I couldn't image allowing cats to shed on it and dig their claws into the fabric to sharpen them. It was Edwards spot and I couldn't permit it to ever be soiled. He managed to unknowingly ruin my future life as the crazy cat woman. I would never be the same because Edward Cullen happened to look up at my window on the fateful day.

I got out of my chair and made my way through the apartment. I wanted to feel the grinding of my bones and the aching of my joints. It was not nearly as painful as watching Edward walk out my door.

The rest of the weekend passed with little sleep and lots of angst. I hated my life, and I hated the large metal building I had to stare at all day. I couldn't bring myself to hate Edward; he was too easy to love. I tried to find any imaginable way for us to be together but they all ended with the same comment….it isn't the legless girl is it?

I wasn't even sitting at my desk yet when an email came on my computer. It was Edward and I really didn't feel like playing today. It was too painful.

**I need you to tell me if I remembered something correctly. Did you say something about me writing a check to have your legs fixed?**

_I was only pointing out the absurdity of us together._

**Did you say it?**

_Yes._

**What is wrong with your legs, Bella?**

I shut the email instead of responding. There was no way I was going to accept his money on the hopes we would somehow work out. Taking someone to a spa was not the same as paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to fix their legs.

I heard the honking of cars and saw Edward walking against the light towards me. His jaw was set and his face looked angry. I was shaking too badly to try and make a get a way. He threw the door open as the tiny bell screamed in protest.

"I asked you a question," he said loudly

"It's none of your business," I said trying to match his tone.

He leaned over my desk right into my face. "Can your legs be fixed?"

I burst into tears, but he wouldn't back down. "Can your legs be fixed?" he screamed at me.

Mike came rushing down the stairs and I was not even aware he was in the office. What's going on?" he yelled.

Edward turned and put up a hand warning Mike to stay back.

"No, Edward, they can't," I finally managed to yell back at him.

"Why?" he demanded.

I only shook my head back and forth.

"Why?" he screamed, as he slammed his hand onto my desk.

"I can't get insurance," I mumbled between sobs.

"Money, you're telling me money is the only reason you can't walk."

"It's a pretty big reason," I clarified.

"That's bullshit and you know it. You sat there and watched my family present a check to a hospital."

"To save babies, not to spare you from shagging a cripple."

He recoiled and looked at me in shock. He turned to look at Mike with such anger Mike wisely left the room.

Edward took a couple of deep breaths trying to calm down before he spoke. His voice was shaking and I could tell his rage was just below the surface.

"No, Bella, you don't get to do this. You don't get to sit there and pass judgment on me like I'm some random body outside your window. I'm making you an appointment with the top orthopedic doctor in the area. For gods sake, Bella, do you even know what Cullen Enterprises does?" His voice got very loud again. "We make orthopedic appliances used in surgeries all over the world."

Again, I felt the tiny seed of hope rattle. I didn't know what they did, I only saw them as a corporation of beautiful people.

"My mother never took me to a doctor," I whispered through my hope. "I don't know if they can be fixed."

"We're damn sure going to find out."

He slammed the door and headed back across the street. I watched him walk and felt like he had slammed the door on us. I was becoming his project, his charity to support. He was not able to separate his concern for me as his friend from his philanthropic nature as a wealthy man.

I didn't know what would be more painful; knowing I owed him for my legs or knowing he didn't want me in a chair. An email popped up from his phone causing me the most pain of all.

**And I love you, damn it!**


	10. Chapter 10

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 10

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 10

**Feel the Humiliation**

A limo came to pick me up the following morning. A limo! I was told to expect a ride and figured a cab would be waiting. Who takes a freakin limo to a doctor's appointment? No wonder my mother never took me to a doctor…we couldn't afford the dumb ass limo!

I rolled into the upscale Michigan Avenue office and found others in various stages of broken, so I didn't feel so awkward, aside from the fact I arrived in a freakin limo. I was asked to sign a release so my records could be shared with Cullen Enterprises. I had to admit I felt a little better thinking of Edward as an Enterprise and not just a guy who really, really wants my legs to work.

The doctor was very tall and very professional. He wrote down everything I had to say about myself except the size of my, in case you go to the hospital, white panties. And as luck would have it, he sent me to the hospital. I had tests with every initial you can imagine done.

I made it in to work right after the lunch rush. Thankfully the people from the beautiful building weren't spilling out onto the street to see my limo humiliation. I got seated at my desk and instantly got an e-mail. I looked over at the building and for the first time felt a sense of panic. Which window belonged to Edward?

**How did it go?**

_You sent me in a limo, Edward!_

**You wouldn't go in my Jaguar.**

_You have serious issues._

**So?**

_You tell me. Seems Cullen Enterprises owns my health._

**Hold on.**

I sat there looking at every window trying to imagine which one was his when I heard a really weird noise upstairs. It sounded like the pipes were groaning or something. I was going to yell up to Mike but I got another email.

**Have urgent request.**

_How could I ever say no to you?_

**WOW, mind took a serious detour. Don't distract. Need you to come to meeting tomorrow at 4.**

_Why? No wait…WTF!_

**Fork, right?**

_NO!_

**Coming over to explain.**

My heart began pounding when I saw his perfect body walk out of their perfect door. He was so tall and thin and ripped like an athlete. His suits looked like someone sewed them right onto his body, they fit so perfectly. He was wearing a tie and it made me chuckle.

His eyes were drawn to the annoying bell and I just shook my head. He walked right up to my desk and smiled. I wanted the limo to come back and let me drag him by the stripped tie into the back of it, caveman style.

"Hi," I offered.

"You take my breath away," he said, and took a deep breath.

"I think the walk from the penthouse took your breath away."

He looked over at the building and smiled. Well, I got that one right, Madame Bella strikes again.

"We have a board meeting tomorrow, which is why I hate Wednesdays," he smiled again as my inner psychic took a bow. "We give out grants all the time and just need you to be there in case they ask any questions."

"Questions like, do your legs really need fixed?"

"Something like that, Dr. Barker will be there too."

I felt the blush form as I began thinking about begging a room full of rich people to help me. I wasn't even sure if they could help me, but since I just had a bajillion dollars worth of tests done I better beg them to pay for that. I nodded and tried to remain calm.

"Hey," he called, so I looked at him. "Will you promise me something?"

Did he not get the whole can't say no thing? "Anything," I responded.

"I get the first dance."

That did it, my emotional rollercoaster just crested the climb and plummeted to earth. Tears sprang from my eyes, causing him to rush to my inner sanctum behind the desk and hug me tightly, which only brought on more tears. He did the whole buddy pat on the back and cleared his throat a couple of times. When I finally reined it in and pulled back I saw he had tears too, which brought on another fresh round for both of us.

"This would make an awesome Coke commercial," he finally said.

I laughed and pushed him away. He kneeled in front of me and wiped my tears with his fingers. "Happy tears, right?"

"Yes, happy tears," I answered.

He held my face in his hands and stared into my eyes. It was another perfect movie moment kiss opportunity, but he came in slowly and kissed the tip of my nose instead. I guess he didn't want to dive in if my legs couldn't be fixed.

"What should I wear?" I asked nervously.

"A tie, of course," he teased.

"Sorry, if you give a fascist an inch he'll want a mile."

He looked down at my lap and smiled seductively. "I wouldn't mind getting a look at those beautiful legs."

I got his message loud and clear. The board would want to see what they were paying so dearly for to make sure I didn't have elephantitis lurking under my knit pants. I suddenly wished I had his mom's number, so I could find out how to make legs look sexy in under twenty four hours. I would have to settle on Google for my information.

A beeping noise went off and I looked at him in confusion.

"Sorry, yes, I do wear a beeper and yes, my father uses it often," he said as he pulled a small devise from his side.

"Modern day apron string?"

"My father refused to cut the umbilical cord at my birth."

I laughed and he looked at me apologetically.

"Go, you never keep a dictator waiting, rule number one."

"Tomorrow?" he asked, as if I had already forgotten the possibility of walking.

"With bells on," I tried to give the rah rah team spirit attitude.

It was…the…longest….night….of ….my….life.

I dreamed of walking with Edward, I dreamed of dancing with Edward, I dreamed of showering with Edward….which woke me right up. Of course, being twirled around the dance floor I remained deeply entrenched in REM sleep, but once he starts soaping my body my bladder suddenly must empty. My body hates me!

I put on a dark blue dress Mike had complimented once, causing me to bury it deeply in my closet and out of rotation. I mixed a light bronzer with my lotion, just as Google instructed, and applied it over freshly shaven legs.

Shoes were an issue. What if they wanted me to demonstrate how painful it was to walk? Heels would only make the pain unbearable. But my other shoes looked to matronly, like I worked in a school cafeteria or something. I went for the heels and knew I would be stuck in my chair for it.

I sat at my desk all morning, too nervous to concentrate on anything, and heard the weird sound in the pipes. It wasn't winter yet and there was no way they could be thawing. I was about to yell up to Mike again when an e-mail stopped me.

**Nervous?**

_About what? Oh yes, the little meeting today_.

**You can come for lunch and then go back to your office until the meeting opens.**

_I have my trusty lunchable_.

**You look beautiful**.

I gasped and looked at the building, knowing I would never feel comfortable in my office again.

_Can you see me?_

**Just bought a telescope, perverted I know.**

_Gross, just gross_.

**I only want to make sure your boss doesn't try anything**.

_Can you see his office?_ I had never been up to Mike's office and I was dying to know if it was in actuality a kitchen.

**Yes, walking on treadmill right above your head, beginning to fear for your life**.

_Wondered what weird noise was, continue my fight after my death to rid world of substandard ceiling fortification._

**Would be much too distraught to fight.**

_Patty could console._

**Well, aren't you a boner killer**.

I felt my face turn red and knew he would be watching, so I stuck my tongue out at him before I began to type.

_Go to lunch, so I can practice my pathetic look without you watching._

**See ya, soon**.

I couldn't contain the girly head tilt and breathy exhale his words caused and only hoped he wasn't watching.

At one, I ate my lunch.

At two, I used the restroom and checked my hair.

At three, I broke into a sweat and had to reuse restroom and reapply deodorant.

At three forty-five I headed out the door. I rolled across the street ,just like I had watched others do for five years, and entered the shiny building. A security guard was standing between the door and a bank of elevators. He looked down at me and asked to see my ID.

I told him I was only there for a board meeting and he still insisted I show him my license. After digging it out of my bag I had securely placed in the compartment behind my chair he told me to go to the top floor and turn to my left.

I got in the elevator and he kindly pushed the button for me. I was terrified, I didn't belong in this building, and I felt like a silent alarm was going off warning everyone there had been a breach.

The door opened in a ridiculously short amount of time and everyone turned to watch me roll out. A young woman, who obviously chose to forgo the modeling world to allow other models a chance, walked up to me.

"You must be Ms. Swan, come this way."

I followed her and my mouth felt like I hadn't had water in years. I finally understood the "I want to die" sentiment. At that moment, I truly wanted to die.

She opened two large wooden doors and motioned for me to go ahead. I entered a room with tables set in a U shape. There had to be over thirty people at those tables, and I was right up front for them all to stare at. Along the back wall I saw Mrs. Cullen, the Scarecrow, She-Ra, Dr. Barker and one of his nurses. I never wanted legs so badly in my life, so I could run from that room.

The faces were all a blur and I couldn't make out Edward's. I finally found Emmett, smiling widely and giving me the thumbs up sign. The dictator stood from his seat next to Patty and I got to see up close he looked kind and very handsome.

"Bella, thank you for taking time out of you day to meet with us, I'm Carlisle Cullen. We just went over Dr. Barker's report and want to chat with you for a moment"

Wait, they went over my records before I came? I didn't get to hear the news about my own legs. I saw Edward at that point and something was wrong. He didn't look happy or relieved. His jaw was tight and he had a hard time keeping my gaze. My heart sank.

"Can you tell us a little about yourself?"

"Well," I started with my shaking voice. "I'm from Washington State originally, but moved here when I was four. I lived with my mother until I moved out on my own."

A man with a balding head spoke up. "Were you denied medical care?"

"Um…I'm not sure what you mean."

"Were you turned away by a facility?"

"I was a child; my mother never took me to a doctor." I looked at my shaking hands.

"Where is your father?" another person asked.

"I don't know," I mumbled.

"Is he in a position to help you?" someone pressed.

"Um..." my voice got softer. "I don't know who he is."

"Have you looked into social programs to help you?" a woman asked.

"Yeah, they helped me get my apartment and my chair."

"Have you applied for any grants or loans for assistance?"

"No, I work full time and pay for everything myself," I said as panic set in.

"I meant for your medical needs."

"Oh, no I haven't."

"Tell us what you would accomplish if you could walk again."

It was the final straw. I sat in front of these wealthy people as the stared, and judged, and wondered, if I was worth their assistance. I tried to be vague and not spill my pathetic life out for all to see, but I had to make a choice right here and now. Did I want to walk again or did I want Edward? I had to force myself to be reasonable and choose my legs.

I took a deep breath and looked around the room and their upturned noses. I decided to give them the awful truth.

"My mother is an alcoholic and my father is most likely some drunk she hooked up with and didn't even know his name. I learned at a very young age how to deal with drunks."

I saw Edward's head drop.

"The drunks were easy; it was the other men she brought around who were dangerous. They assumed I was paralyzed and I learned exactly where to kick to inform them otherwise. I got a job at fifteen and at sixteen my mother insisted I trade sex for rent, so I moved out. I got assistance for my apartment, and this 'state of the art chair', other than that I did it on my own. I took my GED and then at the age of eighteen Mike Newton hired me to be his office manager."

The faces were no longer staring at me. Their eyes were dropped to the table, but I continued on.

"I know you would love to hear that I would do remarkable things if I was able to walk. I could lie and tell you I would go back to school, I would do charity work to give back to others, I would run a marathon, but in reality there are only two things I want."

I looked at Edward's pained face. "I want to dance with the man I love."

I felt the tears fall down my face, and I wiped them angrily, and let my own eyes fall to my lap.

"What's the other?" Edward asked.

My head snapped up. "What?"

"You said two things you want, what is the other?"

I glanced at all the faces before speaking barely above a whisper. "To never have people look at me like this again."

Edward jumped up from his chair and came to kneel in front of me. "I'm sorry," he said to my crying face.

I nodded as he took my hand and opened one of the wooden doors. "Son, we're not through," Carlisle yelled after him.

"Go to hell, father."


	11. Chapter 11

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 11

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 11

**Feel the Joy**

I pulled back on Edward's hand when he walked past the bank of elevators. I wanted out of the building, not just out of the room. I needed the thick smell of rotting wood, not the anesthetic smell of Cullen Enterprises. He just held tighter to my hand and pulled my chair forward without the help of my electric wheels.

He opened the door to an office that was totally Edward. It had an opulent cherry wood desk and credenza, with a large bookcase full of textbooks. Along with the very businesslike furniture were various toys, a blue power ranger, the purple ninja turtle, a green M&M dispenser, and the trusty telescope. I couldn't hold back the laughter.

"Where's Wolverine?"

"I hate him; I had a serious crush on Jean Grey."

"How old are you, again?" I laughed.

He leaned against his desk and in one swift motion pulled me from my chair, holding my body against his and kissed me until my toes curled. There was no warning, no slow preparation where I could debate, is he or isn't he? It was wham!

I heard the door open and I tried to pull back, but he only held my head tighter and spoke with his lips still on mine. "Get out."

The door closed and he took the kiss even further, licking my lip until I opened my mouth wider, letting him in. I began to melt. The tension and worry disappeared, leaving room for the most incredible sensation I had ever experienced. My hands wandered with a mind of their own, ending up in his hair and on his neck, pulling him closer to my already smashed body. I was gasping for air although I could breathe just fine, and I felt like someone set my blood on fire.

He was making noises that made me pull harder on his hair, and his hand moved down my back connecting us in the most intimate place, causing noises to begin coming from my own mouth.

Everything suddenly made sense, songs, poetry, paintings; all the beautiful things in the world were trying to compete with what was going on between the two of us. I just had my first kiss, not counting gross cousin, and it was so much better than what most girls get. It was so worth the wait because of the man delivering it. In those few moments every problem in my life disappeared and it didn't matter if I ever walked again.

My stupid, stupid, brain just had to go there. It just had to remind me I was in his office because I was here begging for help, help I wasn't even sure could be offered. Maybe this kiss meant 'good-bye, I can't date someone broken,' or maybe it meant, 'I am so sorry, but there is nothing that can fix you.'

I put my hands on his chest and pushed away from him, and it hurt. I was practically panting in his face, and he leaned his forehead against mine, to try and steady his own breathing.

"Okay, no Wolverine, I get it," I teased, causing him to laugh.

"I just lost my crush on Jean Grey, so I may invest in one. I'm sorry about what happened in there," he said, as he pulled back.

"Only thing missing was Hitler signing off on experiments." I tried to joke about it, but just thinking about their staring faces made me shudder.

"I have been at so many of those types of meetings, and I never once considered how the people felt. It was excruciating watching them do that to you."

"Can I ask a question?"

"Sure, love," he smiled.

I was instantly transported to when I said that to him and my smiled widened.

"What did the doctor say?"

"He didn't talk to you?" his face looked stunned.

"Nope, I told you I belong to Cullen Enterprises now."

He helped me back to my chair as he mumbled ,and I was sure I heard a version of fork in there somewhere….maybe a couple of times.

He left the room and returned with Dr. Barker and his father. I tensed when I saw Mr. Cullen and expected him to throw me out for causing his two sons to grow a pair. He looked at me kindly, and sat on the leather sofa, next to the power ranger.

Dr. Barker sat in a chair next to me, and Edward leaned back on his desk... where he was when he kissed me, when I felt his warm body against mine, and how it felt when…focus Bella!

"I looked over your test results and it appears you need two full hip replacements, as well as part of the pelvic bone replaced. It is a very extensive procedure, but unfortunately there is a complication which makes the surgery quite dangerous."

I looked at Edward and saw his jaw tighten.

"You also have heart valve damage from the illness. I am amazed you survived without medical intervention."

That's me, lucky Bella. I could hear the cats hissing at my mother in the far recesses of my brain.

"I personally would not be willing to operate on you, but the Mayo Clinic is taking a look at your history and they will decide if they want to proceed."

"Do I need my heart fixed?" Of course, I did… Legs, sheesh, that would be simple and my life was anything but simple.

"Maybe, somewhere down the line. But if you proceed, the stress on your heart may make it necessary to do something in the immediate future."

"So, I have to decide between my heart and my legs?" I really wanted my mother here to listen to what she did to me. It wouldn't make a difference to her, but I wanted the satisfaction of making her hear it.

"I'm not saying that," Dr. Barker continued. "You would need several specialists in on the surgery and would have to be at a place where every precaution, and possible outcome, could be anticipated."

What the hell does that mean? You're gonna die, but if we have the right equipment we may be able to drag your crippled ass back from the grave?"

"Where is the Mayo clinic?" I asked instead of the question I was thinking.

"Minneapolis."

"How long would I be there?" I wondered who would feed the cats.

"Four to Six weeks in the hospital and transition to a rehab center."

A really weird sound escaped my mouth. I think it was my body refusing to accept I would have to go that long without seeing Edward. It was sort of a gasp, mixed with a groan, coupled with a sigh.

"I can't…I mean my job….my apartment…I don't think my van would make it that far."

I managed to leave out the racing thoughts of Edward in Patty's fake tanned arms.

Mr. Cullen spoke, which shocked me, because I thought I would see fire from his mouth up this close. He seemed very nice and very fatherly.

"Sweetheart, all expenses would be paid by our Foundation. It is a very complicated web involving exchange of services and donations to causes. Something I hope you never have to know about."

I pictured smoke filled back rooms, where doctors with surgical masks played poker, with cards depicting their patients.

"And you wouldn't drive there, you would be flown in the corporate jet," Edward assured me.

Okay, now the limo seemed downright blasé. I was waiting for someone to jump out and tell me I was on Candid Camera, or Hell Date, and the country got to watch the handicapped girl fall for the rich millionaire that didn't really exist. The public would laugh in unison when they told her she could possibly walk; it would only cost her a heart.

"But, it might be too dangerous, right? They might not want to take my case." I tried to stop the tiny seed of hope from rattling.

"I'm willing to bet they will. But you have to understand it is a very dangerous procedure. Other than that, I will let the doctors at Mayo discuss it with you," Dr. Barker stood to leave and I felt myself really wishing he would take me as a patient.

"Thank you," I said, the words coming nowhere close to how I felt.

He opened the door and I saw Esme standing outside. I smiled and she took it as an invitation to enter the room. She came over and sat in the chair Dr. Barker vacated and reached for my hand. She squeezed it and something invisible passed through her into me. It was warm and endearing. I liked it.

"I'm sorry this is such an ugly way of doing things, business is without feelings," she said.

I nodded and felt I couldn't complain, I had hoped to have my legs fixed, but might just end up with a heart procedure that would save my life.

"The board will vote tonight, but I feel confident we can move forward with plans," Carlisle said to us all.

Edward got a text on his phone and headed for the door. "There is someone I want you to meet, Bella."

He opened the door and the Scarecrow walked in. "This is Jasper Hale; he is my best friend and one of our corporate pilots. He will be flying you to Minneapolis."

I held out my hand and he smiled, showing off perfect, extremely white teeth. "Nice to meet you, darlin," he said in a Southern drawl.

I blushed because his accent made me swoon and I felt so awful for calling him, the Scarecrow.

"This seems to be happening awfully fast, do I get some time to think about it?" I really needed to get out of this room before a surgeon walked in to open up my chest.

"Cullens only do things two ways," Jasper teased. "Fast and thorough."

"I'm afraid the time table is dependent on the doctors involved, and how fast they can assemble a team. We could be talking about days or weeks," Carlisle clarified.

Without any warning tears began falling down my cheeks. I couldn't understand why this was happening to me. How did I get pulled into this building where money and time meant nothing? Need a surgery? Here's a million bucks. Need to go out of state? Why, our pilot is right here. No wonder everyone in this building was beautiful, they could snap their fingers and make it so.

I looked at Edward, he could tell I was becoming overwhelmed, and asked everyone to leave his office. I would give him my lifetime of lunchables, I loved him.

"I'm sorry I'm being a baby," I said through sobs.

He put his finger under my chin, to lift my face to his. "Stay with me tonight, please."

He didn't know what he was asking. I wasn't even worried about the whole sex thing and my white underwear. It was the lack of handicap bars in the bathroom, the possibility of thick rugs rendering my chair useless, the rolling through the lobby of his building as everyone stared. Those were the things that sprung to mind.

"Can you come to my place? I need familiarity right now."

His face lit up and it was too easy to make him happy. It would cost him millions to make me happy, but one invitation to my couch and he was ecstatic.

"I'll race you," he said with a grin.

"Take my lane again and I'll go right over the top of you," I threatened.

"What?"

"You cut me off; have you no respect for the handicapped."

"I'll make it up to you," he said, as he leaned in and kissed me softly.

Every alarm in my head went off. Exactly what had I agreed to? Gorgeous, wealthy, male, who just provided money for extremely risky lifesaving procedure, gets invited to spend the night.

Oh shit!


	12. Chapter 12

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 12

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 12

**Feel the Passion**

I went back to the office, to finish locking up, and shut down my computer. Mike came down the stairs and I realized how awful I had treated him over the years. I was given a golden ticket and where was his.

"Mike," I started, causing him to look at me in alarm. "I just want you to know you have been an amazing boss."

"Are you quitting?" he asked warily.

"No, I just wanted to say that and let you know I'm going to try to be more polite."

"Will you let me take you on a date?" His tiny eyes opened wide.

I laughed and shook my head, I should have known. I rolled down the hallway and out the door without answering him, but the desire to shoot staples at his head was gone.

I made it home way before Edward showed up. I even had time to shower and dress in a tank top and sweats, but the pizza he was holding more than made up for the delay. He pulled some soda from a bag and I looked at him and laughed.

"No beer?"

"No, I want to remember tonight."

My hands went numb, while other parts of me sat up and took notice. I could feel my face turning bright red and knew a very difficult conversation was awaiting me.

When Edward asked where the plates were I rolled my eyes and told him to grab the roll of paper towels. Plates…ha, such an amateur. He brought over the paper towels and asked if he could get comfortable. Part of me wanted to ask him to put on music first and undress very slowly, while another part of me wanted to ask him to please put on footie pajamas and sleep on the floor.

He took off his tie and tossed it to me, so I informed him it would be the last time he saw it. His suit coat was put on the back of a chair and his starched shirt was completely removed this time, leaving him in a tight white t-shirt and slacks.

He fell onto the couch beside me, leaned back against my shoulder and asked, "Long day?"

"Surreal day."

He reached for a slice of pizza, and instead of bringing it to his mouth, he brought it to mine. I took a bite and cheese stretched out from my mouth to his hand. He used his other hand to break the connection and stared at my mouth as I chewed.

"Aren't you going to eat?" I asked, as my heart beat wildly in my chest.

"Uh, yeah," he said, as his darkened eyes turned toward the pizza.

I watched, as he took a bite with his perfect lips, and then brought his tongue out to catch anything that clung to his chin. Some alien life form invaded my body and I attacked. I grabbed his chin, pulling his face to mine, and barely caught a glimpse of his wide eyes before I descended on his mouth.

His free hand went right into my hair, while the other one remained holding the half eaten slice. I grabbed the food from his hand and tossed it on the floor; let it keep the cats busy while I get a little sumpin, sumpin.

He fell back on the couch pulling me with him, so I was resting oh so gloriously on top of him. My mind was screaming for me to stop, or at the very least, slow down. My body was telling my mind to shut the hell up!

I was only vaguely aware of his hands running all over me as I moaned and writhed all over him.

"Bella?" he finally gasped, shocking me back to earth.

"Hum…" was all I could answer.

"Let's go to your bed."

HALT, STOP, WAIT.

"I know this is the worst possible time to tell you this, but we need to talk," I cringed as I said the words.

He let his head fall back onto the cushions and took a deep breath. I felt relieved, but at the same time I felt really awful for being the one who started the whole heavy breathing episode. He didn't attack me, I attacked him.

I tried to sit up, but his arms tightened around me, keeping me pinned to him.

"This is the perfect position for a talk," he whispered.

"Oh, Really?" I said doubtfully.

"Well, for talking and other things," he clarified.

"It is the 'other things' I want to talk to you about."

"Okay, shoot."

He began rubbing my back lightly and it helped me relax.

"I really wished you remembered our conversation on Saturday night," I started.

He tensed and held very still.

"Don't worry, it wasn't anything earth shattering. It is just embarrassing to have to repeat it."

"You don't have to feel embarrassed with me."

"I have no idea what you see in me aside from the fact you can outrun me…."

"Yes, Bella, I have been dating track stars, I'm interested in you so I can win the 100 yard dash," he interrupted.

"See, that I would understand. It makes more sense than thinking you are attracted to me."

"Bella, look at you; you are everything I want. There is not one insincere thing about you. You have natural beauty, biting wit, and you inspire me."

"Inspire you?"

"Yes, look at everything you have overcome. I wish I had half of your grit and perseverance."

I exhaled loudly; the conversation went in a direction I hadn't planned on taking it. "Okay, fine…wit, inspire, yada, yada, yada."

He laughed and shook his head at me.

"I'm just trying to tell you, that it was only a couple of hours ago I had my first kiss."

At that startling revelation even my hair turned red. I tried to hide in his neck, but he was having none of that. I was lying on top of his very aroused body, admitting I had no idea what I was doing, and he was making me own that statement. I looked at him and saw him grinning like a teenager's first peek at porn.

"Don't tease me, Edward."

"Tease you? I want to sit you back in your chair and worship at your feet. It would be impossible for me to love you any more than I do right now," his smile was not fading and I would not have been surprised if he pulled out his phone to call Jasper.

"This is all really new to me and I just want to make sure we go slowly."

"Okay," he smiled the same stupid smile he had frozen to his face.

"I'm not saying things won't eventually go further, I'm not morally against having sex with you…"

His smiled turned into howling laughter and I sat up while he tried to catch his breath. I felt like he was making fun of me and tears began to form in my eyes. He had tears too, but for a much different reason. I reached out for the coffee table, so I could make my way to my chair, but he grabbed my arm and threw it over his shoulder and lifted me completely off the couch.

I screamed, not in pain, but in shock, as he marched with me right down the hall and into my bedroom. I was glad I had made the bed and picked up any exposed white panties. He tossed me, actually tossed me, onto the bed and dove right on top of me.

I was so confused. I know I wasn't experienced in any sense, but I don't remember any book or movie where the knight in shining armor laughs at the sacrificial virgin and throws her onto the bed. I opened my mouth to protest, but he interrupted me.

"Don't speak, Bella," he said, right before laying a kiss on me that cleared my mind of all conscious thought.

I surrendered; finally glad I had on white panty's to use as a flag. He could do whatever he wanted to do to me, with me, for me. Maybe it was better to get all my firsts out of the way in one day. No reason to drag it out, it would be just like the kiss, no slow overly romantic build up just, BAM, no more virgin!

While my mind was racing with my own thoughts I began to realize what Edward was doing wasn't so bad. No clothing had been removed. No exposed body parts which I had no idea what to do with. He was kissing me, and holding me, and caressing me…and it was pretty freaking amazing.

I relaxed and just let my body go, damn if it didn't know exactly what to do. He would get aggressive and I would have to gasp for breath, then he would slow it down and I felt like I was melting. I learned which kisses got the best responses and where to touch him to cause him to moan. I was Magellan circumnavigating his body, mapping the fastest routes. I learned more about him in one hour on my bed than I had learned in all the Google searches I had done.

When my chin became bright red from his stubble he pulled away from my mouth and set up camp on my neck. I began running my nails over his back and he quickly disposed of the t-shirt he was wearing. Gasping for air wasn't enough and I realized it wasn't actual oxygen I needed more of, it was him.

I pulled my shirt off over my head and tossed it on the ground next to his. He smiled and stared down at my chest making me blush. "You're beautiful, Bella."

I knew my hair was all over the place, my chin was red with irritation, and my eyes were big with the newness of it all, but I felt beautiful. He made me feel beautiful. I looked into his eyes and trusted him completely. There was nothing I wouldn't do for him.

"Can I bring you pleasure, Bella, not intercourse, but let me touch your body."

I nodded at him and he kissed me lovingly. "I don't know what to do," I admitted.

"You don't have to do anything. Let me show you how much I love you."

I watched as he carefully removed my pants, and not once did he laugh, or seem grossed out, by my white panties. He removed them as he said sweet, romantic, things to me. I felt a little self conscious, but he moved to lay half way across my body, and I felt safe.

His hand started at my neck and he lightly trailed his fingers over every inch of my body. I gasped and yelled out his name when he reached a spot that should be tattooed forever with the word, _Edward._ He was an expert at everything and I hoped I would somehow, someway, bring him as much pleasure as he brought to me.

How could any woman fake anything with him? He lied to me. Unless plastic surgery removed all nerve endings there was no way to fake orgasms with him. I thought I would be embarrassed to succumb to him so easily, but when I looked into his eyes there was nothing to be embarrassed about. He looked at me longingly, and lovingly, and I thought he was going to cry.

"I love you, Bella."

I placed my hand on his cheek and told him my most fervent wish. "I want you to be all my firsts. I love you, Edward."

He smiled and closed his eyes. "I want you to be all my lasts," he whispered.


	13. Chapter 13

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 13

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 13

**Feel the Regret**

I know there are a few people in the world who would consider what I just did with Edward to be wrong. I didn't have any promises or commitments from him, and it was a real possibility I wouldn't be alive in the near future. But for right now, as I lay in his arms, I can't imagine anything being wrong about this.

When Edward's cell phone rang, still back in the other room, he groaned and pulled me closer. That was a good sign, right? He didn't jump up and use his perfect legs to run and answer it. It was probably another gorgeous plastic woman wondering why he wasn't in her bed tonight. When it rang for a third time he finally pulled himself up to answer it. He didn't make it far since the sight of me lying naked caught his attention.

"Don't move," he demanded as he sprinted to get the now quieted phone.

He brought it in the bedroom and placed it on the bed table, then quickly returned to his previous position.

"Edward," I said, while I still had the nerve to say something.

"Yes, love."

"Show me what to do for you," I stammered, not sounding nearly as seductive as it sounded in my head.

I could feel his face pull into a smile against my neck and he began sliding over to fully cover me. I was trying to stay focused and take notes, but when he began biting on my shoulder all mental capacity left me.

Then his phone rang again. I hate phones, I want to say 'fork all phones' and start a national movement. Women all over the world, who had to let their man pull away right when everything got all tingly, would stand together to demand the removal of all cell towers.

"What?" he yelled into the phone, proving men would march with our movement too.

"I'm a little busy, dad," his tone didn't soften a bit.

Oh please, oh please, don't tell him what you are doing, I mentally begged. If he wouldn't let his sons go to work without a tie he surely wouldn't want Edward in bed with a woman who had no birth control, no knowledge of how to use it, or any desire to say no.

Edward pulled into a sitting position and his face fell. He tried to speak a couple of times but never got a word out. I could tell something was upsetting his father and Edward was at the receiving end of his wrath.

After what seemed like hours Edward finally got to speak. "I'm bringing her over."

What? Wait, no, say something else. Don't agree to bring me anywhere. I want to stay here, sans the white underwear.

He sat the phone down and ran his hands over his face. I wanted to say the words for him so I tried. "The vote didn't go well?"

He swung his head to look at me and his eyes were wild. "No, no, I didn't mean to give you that impression. The vote is fine, nobody votes opposite of my dad, ever."

"So, what is the problem?" I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer.

"Can I take you to my house so we can all discuss this together?"

"I'm scared Edward," I admitted.

"Don't be, love, the vote will be fine."

"Not of the vote, I don't even care about that, I afraid to go where you're taking me."

He laughed and rolled me over to be on top of him. "Can I have a rain check on what we just started?"

"Rain check, sun check, cloudy check, snow check, hell this is Chicago you can have a wind check."

He laughed again and kissed me hard. "I'll let you get dressed," he said as he got out from under me and walked from my room.

What do you wear to get yelled at for sleeping with the big boss's son? Although, I do have the ace up my sleeve, I am still technically a virgin. So what outfit will scream virgin, as my body lights up under a black light to show Edward's finger prints all over me?

Plaid skirt and blouse? No, Brittany Spears turned that look dirty. Jeans and tee? No, that would be disrespectful to the dictator. Well, I couldn't go in just my white bra and panty set, so I better decide quickly.

I finally settled on some brown dress pants with an Aeropostle t-shirt. It fit tightly to please Edward, but seemed unintentional to please his father. I felt secure.

"We have a problem with transportation, Edward. I guess I will just follow you."

He sat thinking for a second. "Can't I just carry you in?"

"That is worse than the chair," I pointed out. "It was hard enough to feel like an adult when everyone has to look down at me, being carried like a baby would pummel my self esteem into the ground."

"I'll drive your van," he decided.

"Do you have your CDL? It is like driving a bus."

"There's a lot of room in a van, isn't there?" he winked and headed to the door.

I suddenly loved my van, and vowed to never sell it, no matter how the surgery turned out. I could image morning rendezvous before work, lunch rendezvous over a shared lunchable, and the oh so important after work quickie.

I was pulled, kicking and screaming, out of my post body mapping glow when I saw how upset Edward was as he drove. This was much more than his father not wanting his adult son playing the nasty. I wanted to ask him what was up, but I felt it was better to put it off as long as possible.

"Are we going to your childhood home?" I tried to distract myself.

"No, we have a condo on Lakeshore. Dad stays there during the week."

"Alone?"

He chuckled like I was missing something very important. "It's usually filled with family."

It wasn't a long drive and it shocked me how people not far from me lived so differently from me. We pulled into a security garage and Edward flashed a card and was allowed to head right in.

When we got into the elevator I was shaking and I could feel Edward mentally pulling away.

"Hold my hand," I asked offering it to him.

He kneeled down and took my hand before kissing me very lightly. He was trembling; I could feel it in his kiss. I was about to ask him what was going on but the door opened. I looked for a row of apartment doors but there was only one. They had the entire floor as one apartment.

Edward opened the door and my eyes bugged out. The place was huge, and open, and had windows overlooking the city everywhere. The furniture was very modern and weird sculptures were dispersed throughout the rooms.

Cuddles jumped from around a corner causing me to scream, and Edward to laugh.

"Um, bad heart, remember?" I said as I glared at him.

He kissed my hand and we followed Emmett into a room with very low leather couches, four of them, four couches for one family. Who lives like this?

If my heart wasn't damaged before the sight in front of me would have blown a valve for sure. Sitting on the couches was Mr. and Mrs. Cullen, She-Ra, Bubbles, Scare…a…I mean Jasper, and finally Cuddles. Then to make my night just a total downer Patty walked in.

I couldn't sit there in my chair as they all stared at me. I grabbed onto Edward's arm and let him help me to the sofa too. Then I wrapped around his arm tightly, determined to never let go.

Carlisle looked at my securely attached hands on his son and frowned at Edward.

She-Ra spoke first, because Nordic goddesses can really speak whenever they want. "Are you just plain stupid, Edward?"

Huh? The very first sentence lost me, so I guess I was just plain stupid.

"This didn't start after the meeting, this has been building and you know it," he seethed at her.

Huh? Still lost here.

"This is a breach of ethics, son."

"I disagree, the board is not aware of my relationship with Bella, nor should they be."

"Who are **we,** asshole?" The goddess yelled, reminding him the family was on the board.

"We?" Edward yelled at her. "We aren't shit, Rosalie."

Rosalie, that was She-Ra's name. It fit.

She looked at Emmett and he seemed to cower a bit. "You know I meant, Emmett. Stop being difficult," she chastised Edward.

I wanted to raise my hand and ask them all to start at the beginning, because not only did I not know what was going on, but it seemed to be about me.

"You are putting us in a difficult situation," Carlisle said.

"You spend more time on the golf course with hospital CEO's than I have spent with Bella. I don't see the difference."

"He's not screwing them," Plastic Patty chimed in.

Oh no she didn't! I may not need the surgery after all, because at this moment I was sure my legs would easily carry me over to her fake body, and rip the fake colored hair right out of her head.

"Tanya, why are you here?" Edward asked, and he asked nicely… what was wrong with him?"

"This is a family matter," she answered sternly.

"And exactly how are you family?" he said hatefully, as he glared at her….much better.

"Jasper is here," she pointed out.

"Jasper is engaged to Alice, so he is at least potential family."

Alice, that was Bubbles name. I would have to remember that….Alice, Alice, Alice.

Tanya stood and walked right up to Edward as he sat calmly. I tightened my arms around his, ready to hold on firmly if she tried to steal him away.

"You can kiss my ass," she said in a deadly serious voice.

A side of Edward emerged that I had never seen before. It was cold and threatening. He smiled although it was anything but friendly. "Tanya, sweetheart, who hasn't been offered your ass?"

Her eyes shot over to me, and she opened her mouth ready to use me as an easy target, but Edward spoke first. "You dare say it, and I will personally throw you onto the street. You don't want to fuck with me right now."

Then he turned to me. "I'm sorry, Bella. Fork!"

I giggled and he finally smiled in earnest.

"Tanya have a seat," Carlisle insisted, and when he spoke everyone listened. "Son, you have to stop seeing Bella if you want the foundation to pay for her medical care."

I finally found my voice. "Why?" I asked quietly.

Esme looked at me and her eyes were sad. "Dear, foundations are audited and expected to follow very strict guidelines. If Edward is involved with you it would appear he is personally gaining by using company money to pay for your care."

"Then I won't take the money," I said hoping to end the discussion, but terrified they would pull out a bill and ask for my credit card.

"Don't be silly, Bella," Edward said.

"What if Alice, Edward and I vote no," Emmett offered. "We couldn't be accused of pushing it through."

"There is the issue of my vote," Carlisle said.

"You could abstain," Alice said, and then smiled sadly at me.

"The board will take that as a no and follow him, like the pitiful sheep they are," Rosalie said in her intimidating way.

Everyone sat quietly, I could tell Edward was not going to budge, and neither was Carlisle. I was going to have to be the one to put an end to this.

"Then Edward ends our relationship," I said with finality.

"Bella, stop…"

"No, Edward, you stop. This is my decision, since it is my life we are talking about. If I have to choose then I choose to walk."

I tried to make it seem cold, and like he was just an added bonus that I got along with the prize. My heart knew he was the prize, but I had to give him a way out of this. I wanted to scream at him for looking up, why did he have to look up that day? He held all the cards to my future, but only if I was willing to exclude him from it.

It was a mistake to let him touch me. It was a mistake to have the memory of his incredible hands on my body. He would have to go back to Patty's bed and I would have to be the one to send him there.

I let go of my hold on him and he turned to grab my face in his hands. "Don't Bella, don't push me away. We can work this out."

I felt the tears roll from my eyes onto his hands. "I don't get both, Edward."

"We'll find another way," he said with conviction.

"Edward," Jasper called softly, causing us both to turn and look at him. "Don't make her wait any longer. Let her go, give her something so much bigger than you."

Edward looked totally broken and I knew exactly what he was feeling. I felt like they ripped my heart right from my chest and then stomped on it. This wasn't a Lifetime movie where the poor girl from the wrong side of the tracks gets the rich kid. Edward was the future of Cullen Enterprises and he needed a wife that met that standard, not the charity case the foundation paid for.

I said the only thing I could think of, "Goodbye, Edward," and I meant it.


	14. Chapter 14

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 14

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 14

**Feel the Dark**

I sat next to Jasper in the corporate jet as he flew me to my life changing operation. I found it really hard to care. We were flying west and the sun was rising behind us giving everything a creepy shadowy feeling. It may as well been pitch black, that was how my life felt.

He would glance over at me every so often but pretty much left me alone until I finally felt like talking.

"When's your wedding?" I asked.

"Not too sure, Allie's still trying to find the perfect dress."

I didn't get it. Why would you put off marrying the love of your life to find a stupid dress? I nodded like I understood but inside the whole thing disgusted me. I would marry Edward in my white underwear and not care what anyone thought. It had been over a week since he showed me his love and each moment brought more despair.

"How long have you known her? I mean you were Edwards's best friend right?"

"I met her when Esme married Carlisle but we didn't start dating until college. You know she is Edward's step sister right?"

"Yeah, I can't quite figure out that family tree," I admitted.

"It gets pretty dicey," he laughed. "Emmett's mother had a thing with Carlisle and she ended up pregnant, but they had already broken up and he was dating Elizabeth…Edward's mom. Carlisle has always been involved in Emmett's life and took him in when his mother married Tanya's father."

"What?" I yelled. "Tanya is Emmett's sister?"

"Only a step sister," he laughed.

"Carlisle met Esme after Elizabeth died and she pretty much raised Edward."

I suddenly didn't feel so badly for not knowing who my father was. Their family tree had way too many branches as far as I was concerned.

"What about sh…I mean Rosalie?"

Japer gave me a funny look and exhaled loudly. "I met Rose when she was dating Edward."

Fork, fork, fork, freaking fork!

"It didn't last long, as you can imagine. She is perfect for Emmett, though."

"How long were they together?" I tried to sound unaffected but he could see right through me.

"It wasn't long; Edward doesn't like high maintenance women."

I laughed, sure he doesn't, what could be more high maintenance than a woman he has to purchase legs for.

"How's he doing?" I finally let myself ask.

Jasper looked at me like I was an idiot to ask such a question and I felt myself blush. He shook his head for a moment and seemed to be choosing his words carefully.

"Edward doesn't fall easily in or out of love," he said, keeping some sort of best friend confidence code.

When we landed I felt terrified and my bravado fell totally away when I realized this was as far as Jasper was going with me. He gave me an awkward hug and wished me luck promising to pilot my return flight as well.

A car pulled onto the small runway and I was loaded inside. A young man of American Indian heritage was sitting in the car too; he had a huge smile and chatted with me most of the way. He introduced himself as Jake, but I was confused to who he actually was until we reached the hospital and he came inside with me.

"I'll take you to the conference room and then help you check in."

I nodded, with my heart in my throat. I met so many doctors I wasn't even sure who was going to be doing what. I couldn't understand what they were telling me and my mind was focused completely on Edward. I wanted him here, I felt so alone. Everyone was waiting on me hand and foot, but I felt so totally and completely alone.

I settled in my bed without food or liquids and everyone kept telling me to rest. I didn't even know if I would be alive at this time tomorrow and they wanted me to rest, yeah right!

I tried to imagine Edward next to me and it started the water faucet. I cried so much I was sure dehydration was going to be an issue. Jake came in the next morning and took one look at my face and frowned as he turned around to leave. I could hear him yelling at the nurses for not giving me more attention and I didn't even have the energy to set him straight.

When he returned he sat next to my bed and asked the stupidest question ever known to man. "Are you afraid?"

"Is there something mentally wrong with you," I spit at him.

He chuckled and I felt bad for barking at him. I would hate for my last conversation on earth would be a demonstration of the worst of me. I'm doomed to hell for sure.

"Sorry," I mumbled. "Yeah, I'm scared."

"You have the best care in the world here and I will make sure everything you need gets taken done."

"I hope the foundation is paying you well," I chuckled.

"I'm not working for the foundation; I was hired as your personal nurse by Carlisle Cullen."

Well color me shocked! The old dictator has a soft side after all. He wouldn't allow me to have his son but he wanted to make sure I was perfectly healthy, so I could miss him enough to wish I wasn't.

I was grateful and pissed at the same time. "Do you report back to him?" I asked Jake before I ended up spilling my guts to my devoted nurse.

"Only general updates regarding your progress, nothing personal or detailed" he assured me.

"What do you think my odds are Jake?" I asked to lighten the mood.

"The house always wins," he teased, "and this is a pretty impressive house."

Then he said the words that made me burst into tears. "You'll be dancing in no time."

He sat on my bed and pulled me into his huge arms for a hug. I didn't want his arms but since they were the only ones available I would make do. I held onto him with all my might and cursed my mother for costing me so much more than the ability to dance.

I finally calmed down enough to take the little pill he was offering. Everything became dreamlike, bright lights, masked men dressed in green, metal clanking of instruments, several stings in my arm and then… nothing. Not vague images or trancelike thoughts, I simply ceased to exist. My world went dark.

I woke up with unbelievable pain, my eyes shot open and someone was trying to suffocate me. They were pushing on my chest and choking me at the same time. I began to panic and when I trashed in the bed my hips caught on fire. Why wouldn't somebody help me or at least kill me to make it all stop?

Fuzzy shadows of people came running into the room. Jake tried to talk directly to me, "Calm down, Bella, the machine is breathing for you, don't fight it."

I gagged and couldn't understand why he would stand there and let someone choke me. "Look at me," be instructed, "listen to my voice. You have a breathing tube, just relax and let the machine do it's job."

People were all around me now but I tried to focus on Jake. It was becoming easier to breathe but the panic remained. I could hear voices all around me but I remained focused on Jake.

"We're going to remove the tube okay, it will be a little uncomfortable, but you will feel much better without it."

I nodded and kept my eyes on him as they reached into my intestines and pulled my legs out through my mouth. I gagged and coughed and choked as they seemed to pull forever. Man, was I tethered to another room or something? How did something that long only go to my lungs!

Once the tube was gone I felt pain in my chest. It was a combination of burning and tearing and I cried from how much it hurt. Jake asked me to rate the pain from 0-10. Now I was certain there was something mentally wrong with him. Pain this bad didn't constitute a ten. This was easily in the billions.

"Ten times ten," I said at the top of my lungs but only a dull whisper made it from my mouth.

"The epidural has failed," he said to someone. "I want pain control in the IV stat."

I fell in love with Jake at that moment. He said stat and that meant something. I had watched enough of E.R. to know stat was good.

Something was attached to my finger and then a tube with air coming out was put up my nose. I reached for the small tube and pulled it away from my face.

"Bella," Jake said with force. "Leave it alone, the pain is making you breathe too shallow, so you need the oxygen." He reattached the tube and I fell out of love.

I watched Jake take a syringe and kept waiting for the stick, but he emptied it and I didn't feel anything, except floating, and the returning dark.

The next time I woke up I was in a different room. I saw a TV and a recliner, for family to visit, if you had family. I was sure Jake would be the only one to sit in that chair and I didn't know if that was what was making tears slide from my eyes to my ears, or the fact I hurt everywhere.

I tried to lift my head and felt my chest burn. I glanced down to see bandages covering my upper body. Another panic attack followed sending people rushing into my room again. My eyes were searching for one person and when I saw Jake come in I lifted my hand for him.

He came and sat on the bed tilting me and setting my hips on fire again. I cried out and he quickly stood and apologized. "Are you in pain?" he asked, again a stupid question.

"My chest," I said with a hoarse voice. "What happened to my chest?"

He looked at the nurses to signify he was pretty ticked he had to be the one to tell me the news. "You went into cardiac arrest during the surgery; luckily the top cardiologist in the country was standing right there."

Yep, lucky me, again.

"The house won?" I asked.

"I told you this is a pretty impressive house," he laughed. "You'll be fine; it will just take a little longer."

I could feel the darkness coming for me and just relaxed and let it come. This was my pattern for what seemed like years. Doctors came and went. Students even came to catch a glimpse at the poor charity case the wizard had just given a heart and two legs. Slowly, and I mean at a snail's pace the days became longer and the darkness grew shorter.

It was supposed to be a milestone day, the staples in my chest were coming out, and nobody understood why I wasn't jumping up and down, or at least doing the whole arm pump thing. I was afraid of the impending pain and having to look at my cut up body for the first time.

A kindly looking white haired man came in and smiled softly to sucker me into thinking it wouldn't be so bad. He pulled me forward and told me he was removing the epidural feed first. They hadn't been putting medication through it, but had not yet removed the thing. It was a microscopically small tube attached by weapons grade adhesive.

The nice gentle doctor pulled the tape in one swift motion and my great-grandchildren screamed in pain! Why the fork would any hospital need to attach anything so tightly to skin? Jake came in after the initial assault took place and I wanted to call him a coward, but I was too mad to speak to him.

The bandages on my chest came off next and I looked at it in shock. I wasn't embarrassed to have my breast exposed to the room since everyone's eyes were drawn to my gaping scar right in the middle of my chest. I was glad Edward would never have to see me like this. He had said I was beautiful when he first saw my chest; he would be sickened to look at me now.

The staple removal was pain free…or I was still in shock from the removal of several layers of epidermis and didn't notice. It looked a little better after the shards of metal left but I was still grossly scarred.

I smiled at the doctor as he left, but was proudly flipping him off under the covers when I noticed some flowers, and a plant, and a few cards.

"What are those?" I asked, obviously suffering brain damage during the surgery.

"The cards are from foundation members," Jake informed me.

Right into the trash, I thought to myself.

"The flowers are from your boss."

Take a picture to put on desk and then right into the trash I planned.

"And Edward Cullen brought the plant."


	15. Chapter 15

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 15

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 15

**Feel the Shock**

"Edward was here?" I gasped.

"Yeah, for about two solid weeks," Jake said casually.

I guess I didn't get my question across correctly. I meant to grab Jake by the collar and scream as I shook him forcefully, "Edward was here?"

Did he really say for two weeks? My mind couldn't form a sentence. "Ug…do…un….ya…ga…" was all that came out. We were still a possibility, if he came here for two weeks. Maybe he told his dad he didn't need the fancy job or the Jaguar and only wanted me.

Jake stopped what he was doing and looked at me. I shook my head trying to convey I didn't understand what he was saying, so he came over to my bed but was smart enough not to sit.

"You were in pretty rough shape after the surgery," he began to explain, "Although Edward didn't help anything, he looked worse than you did."

"Is he still here?" I asked, afraid to hope he was right outside the door waiting to e-mail me.

"No, his dad sent him to London or something."

"Jake," I whispered. "Open the drapes."

He walked calmly to the window and pulled the blinds open. I burst into tears when I saw the snow covered ground. It was winter. I was here so long the season had changed and Edward took the London job. He left the Cubs and he left me.

I turned my back on the window and had one goal in mind. I had to walk out of this place and go drag Edward back to Chicago where he belonged. I was ready to fight.

Rehab was a modern day torture chamber. If pain meant gain they were preparing me for the Olympics. Jake would stand at the end of the parallel bars, encouraging, taunting, cussing, and doing anything he could to get me to make it to the other end. The pain was nothing like the grinding bone it used to be. It was stiff and tight and felt sore like when you overuse a muscle.

I worked and sweated and met goal after goal until the day finally came when I was told to pack my stuff for home. Jake had become my best friend, I hadn't confided in him regarding Edward but I shared everything else with him. We came from similar backgrounds, both raised by drunks and both scratching our way out of the gutter. It would be hard to say goodbye.

I waited at the little airstrip anxious to see Jasper, he was my link to Edward and I wanted any morsel of information I could get. My heart sank when an older dark haired gentleman taxied the plane towards the small waiting area. I turned a let my tears be for Jake but he laughed and said he was coming with me.

"What? Why?"

"You have to appear in front of the board tomorrow and I'm coming to make a report," he shook his head like it should have been obvious.

I had forgotten Cullen Enterprises still owned me. I had to show off my shiny new joints and my high grade plastic heart valves. Edward would have to watch me like a monkey in a zoo once again. The thought sickened me, but somebody had to pay three months worth of bills.

We landed and the horrid limo was back, but this time I didn't have to painfully crawl into the seat and watch my chair being loaded into the trunk. I climbed inside planning exactly how I would word my complaint to Edward for making me use the dumb thing.

I was taken to my apartment and it looked so sad. I wished I had cats to welcome me home and slink up against my leg telling me how much I was missed. Instead I walked into an ice cold, quiet, tiny apartment. I turned up the heat and decided to try and start my van. I wasn't sure if the monster could churn to life after sitting idle for so long.

I was happily surprised when the familiar roar and the memorable shaking made me feel right at home. I headed into the office and was astonished to see Mike had hired a temp to fill in for me in my absence. She wasn't there and only came two days a week, but I really hoped she didn't give him computer lessons in my absence.

I walked up the stairs to his office for the first time and knocked softly at his door. I heard him groan when he pulled himself from his chair and shuffled his feet to the door. It didn't bother me, and I didn't feel the urge to shoot staples at him, I threw my arms around his shocked face and laughed when I felt his large belly shaking against me.

He actually had tears in his eyes as I showed off my working appendages and I hugged him again for being so sweet. I asked the million dollar question and he assured me my job was all mine. I asked him to give me one more week before I returned because I really wanted to spend some time with Edward and I didn't know how long he would be in town for the board meeting.

When I left the office I headed downtown to buy something perfect to wear for the meeting. I wanted something sophisticated to impress the blue blood snobs but also something that would make Edward profess his undying love. I even splurged and bought some sexy colored underwear. There was nothing I could do about the scar in the center of my chest but a cute teddy set helped take away the neon sign.

The next morning I parked in my usual spot and headed across the street with the other bipeds. The closer I got to the door the more I tested my new heart valves. I was grateful to see Jake standing in the lobby and his big smile made me instantly relax.

He took my hand and I walked, yes walked, to the elevators to face those judgmental bastards head on.

We didn't go to the room I had gone to last time. We were led to a small auditorium and onto a stage. Bright lights were in my eyes and I couldn't see anyone in the audience. I tried to place my hand over my eyes to block the glare but it didn't help. I was still staring at nothing but lights.

Jake spoke first and gave a very detailed report of my ups and downs. I wasn't even aware of most of them and listened like he was talking about some other girl. The poor thing almost died.

A slide show gave the gruesome 'then and now' comparison and I turned my face away from seeing my opened chest.

Then entire time I strained to hear anything that could possibly be Edward. I heard Carlisle, and Esme, and even Emmett but Edward had said nothing so far.

When the dog and pony show ended and I had professed my eternal gratitude to the best of my ability the spot lights went off and the room lights came on. I searched desperately through the crowd, which was much larger than I had imagined, for Edward.

People were swarming me with warm wishes and I was trying to be receptive but the panic was building. Patty came up and looked me up and down before saying the words that send my world tumbling. "Edward said to tell you he wishes you well."

"He's not here?" I stupidly asked.

"No."

"He's in London?" I asked and could hear my own voice shaking.

"I think so; he may be traveling with his fiancé." Her smile was not genuine but mocking me. She saw me turn white and sway before grabbing onto Jake and she did nothing to help me.

Jake kept me from falling and told the crowd I needed to rest pulling me from the stage. I could hear him talking to me but I couldn't respond. I just wanted to get out of the building that would haunt me for the rest of my life.

Jake insisted on driving me home and tried to tease me about my antiquated van but nothing could pull me from my heartbreak. I walked in the door and went right to my bed. I was slightly aware of the doorbell but I heard Jake talking to someone and he went outside so I wouldn't wake. When he tiptoed back to my room I asked who had been at the door.

"The landlord just wants you to know you are paid up through next month," he said happily.

I didn't respond.

"Bella do you want me to stay, I can sleep on the couch," he offered.

"I'm fine Jake, go back to the hotel." It would have been more effective if I hadn't broken into loud sobs right after saying the words.

He stayed the night and made sure I ate the next day. I finally had to fake a happy moment to get him to leave. I told him I had errands and a shopping trip would fix all my problems. He bought it and left.

I headed downtown and stood in front of the large glass wall when the girl helping me asked, "Have you given this a lot of thought?"

She had no idea how closely she had come to being murdered. "Yes, years of thought," I assured her as she placed the copper haired kitten in my arms. She glanced at the pile of merchandise on the counter and asked if I had everything I needed.

I quickly made a perusal around the store for a knitted shawl and grey hair dye, but figured I could get that another time and let her ring up the total.

Eddie meowed loudly the entire way home but settled after investigating every inch of the apartment. I watched him in fascination all evening, unable to stop the tears when he curled up against me in my bed. He became my entire life.

I no longer looked out the big window in my office. I didn't daydream about being part of the real world, I had been there and it was an awful place. I walked with my head down so I would never have to look at Cullen Enterprises and wonder if he was in his office or not.

The snow melted, the rains storms passed, the summer heat wave lessened and a hint of fall was in the air when the bell rang on the door.

I looked up to see Bubbles and tried my best to smile.

"Hi, Bella," her eyes squinted at me. "Are you feeling okay?"

"The board thinking of recalling my parts?" I asked in disgust.

"You just look really thin."

How could I tell her that even food was painful? I couldn't explain why I couldn't purchase lunchables, or eat peanut butter and jelly, or ham sandwiches, or even pizza. I just shrugged and tried again to smile.

She held out her hand and I looked at the envelope with my name on it. "It's an invitation to my wedding."

"Found the right dress?" I said without explaining.

She chuckled uncomfortably and then took a deep breath. "I really think you should come, I mean, I REALLY think you should come."

"I can't," I said without opening the envelope.

"Bella, it is really important for you to be there." She began biting on her lip like she wanted to tell me something but she couldn't. Did Edward send her? Was she unhappy with his choice of bride and wanted to throw a wrench into the works?

"Bub….I mean Alice, if Edward is going to be there I don't want to come, and I know he is going to be there."

I had to admit my curiosity was killing me. I wanted to see if the woman was a plastic, and if so, I had visions of walking up to his face and calling him a hypocrite. A plan popped into my head. I would bring Jake. He was planning on a visit anyway. If Edward could flaunt someone in front of me I could do the same.

"I'll think about it, can I bring someone?" I noticed how her face fell a bit but she shook her head up and down and then left.

I had no idea what I had agreed to, but one thing was for sure, I was going to come face to face with Edward, and I needed a damn good dr


	16. Chapter 16

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 16

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 16

**Feel the Hatred**

I had six weeks to prepare for seeing Edward. How do I morph into someone who would make his heart forget the woman he was with, and come running back to me? I took forever to find the perfect dress, since everything was low cut, and a Frankenstein scar wasn't the look I was going for.

I found a midnight blue gown that hugged my body tightly and was completely backless. It seems losing the man you love, so you can't eat, gives you an awesome looking back. I spent an entire paycheck on the shoes alone, but they were really hot shoes.

The naïve schoolgirl hair had to go, so I went to Carlos and this time Esme wasn't there to stop a total transformation. I got layers and highlights and even something called lowlights. The entire salon raved over my new look, even the German man or woman… I still couldn't tell.

Jake had agreed to come with me, as a friend, and said he had the week off…before I told him which week. I was going to be sure a reiterate the whole 'just a friend' concept. I had to rely on Eddie to assure me everything looked perfect before heading out the door.

Jake was coming from his hotel since it was already so close to the ballroom where the reception was being held. I was stunned to see so many people and worried I would never find Jake. I felt my phone vibrate in my clutch purse and pulled it out so I could explain to Jake where I was standing. It wasn't a call, it was a text, and I didn't recognize the number.

**You look so beautiful.**

I spun around to see if Edward was standing somewhere in the back ground. My hands were shaking badly and I actually dropped the phone when Jake came up behind me pulling me into his arms. I tried to smile when he complimented me over and over again but only one thought was going through my head…..why can't you be Edward.

Jake put his arm out and I took hold of his elbow as I quickly scanned the room for Edward. It was so crowded and I didn't see anyone I recognized. I was trying to prepare myself to see him with his arms wound tightly around a supermodel. I kept thinking I was ready but as the night wore on I got less certain.

Champagne was flowing freely and since it was on my 'to painful to partake of' list I refused each offering. When the band began playing I asked Jake if we could leave. I still hadn't had my first dance and wasn't about to have it with another man as Edward watched.

We were headed out the door when I was stopped by Esme. I reported Carlos was responsible for the new, sophisticated, more mature looking Bella and she approved hardily. After several pleasantries I explained Jake and I were on our way out and she insisted I wait until Alice threw the bouquet. I agreed but secretly planned to make our getaway from another door.

We were trying to make our way through the crowd gyrating and jumping up and down to the house band when they transitioned into a slow dance. The crowd dispersed bumping and pushing me far from Jake. I was slowly making my way towards the spot I last saw him, when someone came up behind me, gently running their hands down my arms and whispered.

"Do I still get your first dance?"

My body went numb, and just the sound of his voice gave me so much pleasure, and so much pain, I couldn't think clearly. I turned to see his beautiful face and never wanted to see Eddie curled up in my bed again.

"Hi," I said, but not loud enough to make it over the music.

"Hi," he said back, and just reading his perfect lips almost brought me to my knees.

He held his hand up for mine and my body reacted all on its own. I took his one hand and brought my arm up to glide over his shoulder. He pulled me in slowly, and each agonizing inch was so thick with anticipation, I actually sighed when our bodies collided.

His warm hand was directly on my bare back and I never wanted to shower again. My heels were so tall I could almost look directly into his face, but I refused to back up enough to do so. When he brought my hand in, to lie against his chest, I laid my head against his shoulder and inhaled his neck.

His hand moved up my back and I felt goose bumps breakout all over my body. He felt them too and pulled his hand from mine and brought both of his hands to my back and pulled me gently against him crushing my chest to his. I thought I heard him hiss, but I was too lost in my own Xanadu to know for sure.

The song playing was 'My Wish' and it was perfect, and heartbreaking, at the same time, but I knew I would always remember it. It was my first dance, with my first love, and I never wanted it to end.

Of course, time moves on and nothing lasts forever, so the music began to fade. I felt him brush his lips against my hair, and I wanted to pound on his chest, and beg him to pick me, not her. When I finally forced myself to step back Jake was right there waiting.

Edward gave him an angry look and then politely nodded and said, "Jake."

I looked at Jake in confusion but Edward had left. I guessed if Carlisle knew Jake, Edward must know him too. I took Jake's hand and led him out the door. I had my perfect moment and didn't want to ruin it by watching Edward with the woman he loved.

So Cinderella left the ball, without her prince, wearing the gown she would never get a chance to wear again. I walked past a mirror and didn't even recognize myself. I wasn't Bella anymore. I tried to fit into his world and it was never going to happen.

I spent Sunday with Jake, and although I really wanted to bring up Edward and see if he knew him outside of his visit to see me; I couldn't go there. I needed to let my heart heal and let go of the stupid fantasy of having Edward as mine.

It was a quick week. I went to work, came home to meet up with Jake, toured all the Chicago must see places and cried myself to sleep. The following week dragged b, I had nothing to fill my evening hours, and dreams of Edward made me sleepy and grumpy during the day.

Mike had a cold and every time he coughed up phlegm I reached for my stapler. A particularly wet coughing jag made me knock my coffee off the desk, sending me into my folded arms upon my desk sobbing. A soft ping alerted me to an email.

**Why are you crying? I can't take it. **

My heart jumped for joy, and quickly crashed into my feet. He was looking at me, but why was he looking at me? Was their trouble in paradise, or was his peeping just having a slow day, and he wandered onto me? I was so angry at him for not loving me that I couldn't just play.

_Then stop looking._

**Impossible**

_Not really, just put down telescope… problem solved. _

**Will you stop crying if I do?**

_Fine keep watching, but ignore sight of ass on floor cleaning up coffee._

**Wait, let me get camera first.**

He did it, he got me to smile, as much as I wanted to pretend he had no effect on me, he wormed his way in.

_Calling security to your office._

**Won't share pictures**.

I shook my head and grabbed some paper towels to clean up the spill. My trash was almost filled with brown towels, and I had to keep rewetting them to keep the floor from getting sticky. When I finished with the mess I had four messages.

**Slower.**

**Now faster.**

**Perfect.**

**Really craving coffee now.**

I tried so hard not to laugh, but there was no way I could contain it. This was exactly why I loved him so much.

_No wonder women fake it with you. You're too bossy._

**Must report to foundation Mayo removed your heart**.

If that could only be true. I would never be able to watch Wizard of Oz again without screaming for the tin man to run and stop wishing for a heart. But I didn't really have a heart; not really, I gave it to him a year ago.

_Be sure and report perverted peeping too._

**You knew I was looking and still presented ass…..and thank you.**

_I didn't 'present ass', had only so much time to clean up spill._

**I know, but when I share story, ass was absolutely presented**.

_Still have upper hand…faking women, remember?_

**Did you?**

Talk about a knife into my soul. It was no longer fun anymore.

_Edward, don't._

**I miss you**

I turned my head toward the window, to beg him not to do this to me, but I caught sight of Carlisle getting out of the limo with a gorgeous young women. Esme came from the building to hug the girl and lead her inside. Carlisle grabbed a bag from the trunk and I notice a very prominent English flag sticker.

**Got to run, have great night. ** He was obviously aware his love just arrived, too.

I turned off the computer without shutting down first, yelled for Mike to feel better, and left for the day. Not even Eddie could make me feel better; I pushed him off my bed when he tried to snuggle up and then felt so badly that I begged him to come back. Like every male I love, he walked away.

I hated Cullen Enterprises, I owed them so much, but they took even more. I wanted Carlisle to welcome me into his limo, and retrieve my bag while Esme escorted me to Edward's office. I wanted to be acceptable and I knew I would always be the poor, crippled girl from across the street. I needed to change more than my appearance, not for Edward, but for myself.

I pulled out the want ads and began looking for another job. I wasn't qualified for much but surely I could be a receptionist somewhere. I wanted far from the big, shiny, building in the middle of the city and I would spend my last dime in gas money to go far away.

I circled a couple of places that looked promising and spent my lunch hour checking out banks, realtor offices, restaurants, any place that was hiring. I was sitting in the lobby of a doctor's office waiting for an interview when I noticed someone who looked familiar across the street. I stood and moved closer to the window to see if my eyes were playing tricks on me.

I saw Jake, leaning against a really expensive car, holding some woman in his arms. I wanted to run across the street and let him introduce me, and then yell at him for keeping me in the dark. I looked at the receptionist and contemplated asking her to wait for me if I got called by the doctor, when I turned back the couple had switched places and I could see the woman clearly.

I had to grab onto the chair for support. It was Tanya.


	17. Chapter 17

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 17

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 17

**Feel the Connection**

I threw open the door and marched my five foot six inch frame boldly across the street, because I could now. I walked up to their shocked faces and said, "What's this?"

Tanya remained stunned, but Jake recovered. "Hi Bella, do you know Tanya?"

"I think everyone knows her," I said as a jab, then looked directly at her, "Hi Patty."

They both looked at each other, as if to say, my head would be next in line for Cullen Enterprises to fix.

"Yeah, well, I met her at the wedding," Jake explained.

"And you felt the need to keep it secret?" I asked as I tried to figure out the bizarre scene in front of me.

"It's new and this is a romantic trip, so I didn't call you."

The receptionist, from across the street, called out my name and I backed away from them desperately trying to connect the dots. I was trying to organize my memories into some sort of pattern.

Tanya is Emmett's sister, she was at the board meeting, she was at the apartment, she told me Edward was engaged, Jake told me he had gone to London, Jake said Carlisle hired him, and he already had the week of the wedding off, Alice was trying to tell me something, and Esme insisting I stay…..what was I missing?

The interview was a disaster; I couldn't focus on anything except Edward. For some reason the little seed of hope was rattling again and I had to make some sort of connection between my heart and my head.

When I got back to the office I stared at my computer, as if I was Mike needing a file. My whole new Bella slid easily back to the shy mouse I was and it angered me, so I typed quickly before I had time to think about it too much.

_Did you go to London?_

The reply came from his phone. **Yes, why?**

_Nothing_

**Too random, spill it**

_Is that why you didn't come to my board report?_

**What board report?**

_When I got out of the hospital, Jake and I reported to the board_.

**Glad I missed it.**

I stared at his words and wondered why he wanted to hurt me so badly, I wasn't the one happily engaged. I tried to see it from every angle, so I wasn't misunderstanding him. I couldn't make the meaning change in any way.

I decided to use my legs one last time to walk into his office and tell him exactly what I thought of him.

_Where are you?_

**Wrigley field, private tour.**

_Oh yes, your greatest love._

**Second greatest**.

"Come on, Bella," I yelled at myself. I didn't need this punch in the heart and seeing it written in black and white should extinguish all hope, but his next text confused me again.

**She won't have me.**

Maybe there is hope after all, but who wants a guy that settles because he greatest love won't have him….I do!

_Stupid girl._

**That's what I think**.

_You deserve better_.

**There is nobody better**.

Was I really going to do this? Was I going to sink comfortably into friend mode and let him spill his heart out to me? If it was the only part of him I could have I was willing to do it.

_You know the English, can't even make a decent burger._

**Lost?**

_Sorry, I assumed she was British_.

**Who?**

_Stupid girl._

**Lost?**

_I thought the girl that arrived yesterday was her._

**Who?**

_Stupid girl!_

**Britney?**

Of course she would have a cute name that ended with a y. Britney, Candy, Baby….gag.

_You tell me._

**Are you e-mailing two different people at the same time?**

_No, pay attention to tour._

Britney… wasn't that a type of dog? I tried to keep the image of him holding her in his arms and calling out her name out of my head, but every time I got to that point it was 'Bella' I kept imagining coming out of his mouth. I continued on with my day, but kept looking out the window for his return. At four forty five I got another message from him.

**You at work?**

_Present and accounted for._

**DON'T LEAVE, STAY!**

Yep, Britney was a type of dog and he was expecting me to be one too. I could tell him he doesn't own me, except for hips, pelvis, and heart valves, and lock up to leave, but I had to admit the rattle of hope was keeping me firmly planted in my chair.

At six I got another order.

**DON'T GO!**

He had no idea how desperate I was to make him happy. Where would I go? Well, there was Eddie to consider now. Why did I buy a stupid cat? Oh yeah, because Edward didn't want me and I don't want any other man.

At seven I was furious. Eddie would be hungry and I had much better things to do than sit and wait for Edward. Maybe not better things, but I had things. He was spoiled, and selfish, and sweet, and gorgeous, and made me laugh, and…..ah hell, I'll wait.

His Jaguar came screeching to a halt outside the window, he jumped out, and ran into my office.

"You'll get your car towed, pull around back by my van," I said, trying not to laugh at his attire.

He put up both hands and said, "Stay," and ran out the door. Did he really think I could sneak out since he was parking right next to me?

He had on an old Cubs hat that was faded and worn, obviously some sort of good luck charm. He was wearing a leather Cubs jacket and a Cubs t-shirt. When he ran in from the back and was trying to catch his breath I couldn't help but tease him.

"Are you a Cubs fan?" I asked in a serious tone.

"You should see my underwear," he laughed.

Okay, I should. I really, really should! My eyes accidentally wandered down to his zipper.

He looked at me for a moment and then a huge smile formed. "You stayed."

"Yes, and it was a long tour," I complained.

"Sorry, it was the charity Kids with Cancer; we do the tour every year."

Good thing I had new hips so I could easily put foot into mouth! "Sorry," I mumbled.

"So, what's going on today?"

"Nothing really, I just ran into Jake with Tanya and something didn't fit."

"Don't be surprised, Tanya wants anything that is not hers," he sounded disgusted.

"I guess they are dating now, they met and Bu….Alice's wedding."

"What?"

"I know it seemed quick to me, but who am I to judge."

"Bella, we all knew Jake in college. They didn't just meet, and what do you mean they're dating?"

I stared at him as things began to click in my addle brain. I made the connection at last. "Edward, are you engaged?"

"No, you are."

"No, I'm not, you are."

"I've never been engaged."

"Neither have I."

He took a tentative step towards me. "You didn't fall in love with Jake?"

I snorted, actually snorted, in front of the earthly equivalent of Zeus. Then my entire body began to shake. "You didn't find someone in London?"

"I was there for four days to hire a sales manager." His movements were bringing him closer and closer.

"Tanya lied to me," I breathed.

"Jake lied to me."

I could feel the tears forming and the rattle became pounding war drums in my chest.

"You are still my only," I shared.

"And you are still my last," he said, right before grabbing me and pushing me back against the wall.

He didn't kiss me, he went right for my neck and I was gasping for air when my breathing hadn't been restricted at all. His hat fell to the ground, and he didn't stop to pick it up, so I plunged my hands into his hair.

"I love you, Edward, I love you so much," I confessed into his ear.

He put his hands against the wall, next to my head, and pushed back to look at me. I could see the wetness in his eyes and he was actually smoldering. His breath was labored and he was exhaling loudly as he stared into my eyes. "Am I dreaming?" he whispered.

"If you were dreaming this would be happening on the pitcher's mound at Wrigley."

He threw his head back in laughter and picked me up by my waist to twirl me around. "I love you too, Bella Swan," he yelled out.

He sat me back on my feet and then put his hand on my cheek. "Come home with me, and take the day off tomorrow."

"I already have the day off, I have to renew my driver's license."

"I'll take you, wait, why do you have to renew it?"

I could feel my face turn red. I didn't want him to know it was my birthday. I had never celebrated it and didn't want him making a big deal. I learned long ago birthdays were just another reason for my mom to get drunk. They didn't garner happy memories.

"It's your birthday isn't it?

"Don't make a big deal, Edward."

"Are you kidding me, I'm going to make a huge deal!"

"And I have to make sure Eddie is okay," I said to change the subject.

"My penis?"

"What?" I screamed and hit his chest. "I'm talking about my cat."

"You named your cat after my penis?"

"You named your penis?"

He smiled and shrugged as if it was the most normal thing in the world. "I guess you two haven't been properly introduced."

"You named you penis," I repeated, finally thankful I didn't continue on in high school.

"Was that wrong?" he said, trying to look very innocent.

"Oh man, on so many levels, and you realize I have to rename my cat now."

He pulled me up against him. "No you don't, I kind of like it. Here, Eddie, climb in momma's lap."

"You are seriously depraved, Edward Cullen."

His eyes turned very dark and his face came in close to mine, "I want to make love to you on your birthday."

Is it possible to die from lust? I think my body just went into major arrest. Electricity shot from my ear, where he spoke, down to my toes, which curled, and then everything froze waiting for my mouth to give him the green light.

I tried to form the words, yes, hell yes, but my mind was still thinking about meeting Eddie, so my body took over to answer him. I pulled him to my lips and I kissed him like I had been dreaming about for close to a year. I kissed him for looking up that day, I kissed him for giving me my legs, I kissed him for all the firsts he gave me, and I even kissed him for naming his penis.

We completely forgot where we were and the entire world, including those outside my window, disappeared. I was going to be meeting Eddie really quickly if we didn't come to our senses soon. Luckily, a group of men tapped on the window making us both jump.

"Tomorrow's all mine, okay?"

Did he really need to ask, I would give him every day of eternity if he wanted it.

"Um, Edward, do you think your dad had anything to do with Jake and Tanya?"

He stepped back and I could tell his mind was working. He was making connections, like I did, and he was not happy with how things were coming together.

I locked up the office and we walked to our vehicles. He gave me a few careful kisses trying not to start anything when we were just going to say goodbye. When he told me to pack a bag for tomorrow my heart felt like I was on a rollercoaster. I was thrilled and terrified at the same time.

"I'll pick you up at seven in the morning and we'll go to breakfast."

"Okay," I said because every intelligent answer left my brain long ago.

He opened my door and when I was situated he said with a smile, "Be sure and take care of Eddie for me."

"I plan on it," I said with my own smile.


	18. Chapter 18

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 18

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 18

**Feel the Day**

I am not too proud to admit I used Google to try and become a sex goddess in one day. If I was going to be meeting Eddie I needed to know what to expect. I would hate to scream and scar him for life.

Everything I read was too technical or too farfetched. It was information for wanna be strippers or hookers, not for a twenty-four year old ignorant virgin. I decided to gain my information from the best source available….Edward. I would learn what he liked and what he wanted, other men didn't matter, and everything I had was his.

I realized I had to rename my cat, when I sat holding him, and kissing his head, as I read the screen. Suddenly, I looked down at my lap and the image was not of my sweet, adoring, cat but something much more salacious. "Copper," I announced, "your name is now Copper."

I tried to count to ten when my door bell rang at seven a.m. sharp, but I only made it to three before running to open it. I was met with balloons, roses, chocolates, and the most gorgeous man in the world. I instantly began crying; besides the occasional lopsided burnt cake from my mom, I never received anything for my birthday.

"No, no, no," he begged. "No crying today, only smiles."

"I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe you got all this for me."

"Well, this is nothing, so you better grab a box of Kleenex," he laughed.

Copper began trying to grab the balloon strings, so I put them in my bathroom and shut the door. When I put the roses in water Copper tried to chew on the petals, so I had to put those in the bathroom too.

"He's driving me crazy," I complained. "He won't leave my stuff alone."

Edward had to bite his lip, to hide his smile, and I was again convinced changing his name was the right move.

"I'm yours," I announced, and I meant for eternity and not just for today.

He grabbed my bag and held the door for me. When I sat in his Jaguar I finally understood that transportation is more than just wheels and a motor. The leather felt like soft fur and the engine was next to silent.

We drove up the coast, far from the city, and stopped at a little inn which Edward promised had the best French toast around. I didn't want to know how he knew that, I just appreciated the fact he brought me to try it.

We both smiled like idiots all through breakfast and he never let go of my hand. Being the ignorant virgin that I am, I offered him the cherry from my whipped cream. He looked at me from his lowered head and I could swear my panty's dropped an inch. I held the cherry out to him and he put the whole thing, plus half my finger in his mouth, and I think my bra popped open.

This was going to be a very long day.

When we finished eating Edward grabbed a jacket from his car, to put around me, and we took a walk along the shore of Lake Michigan. The waves were crashing and there was something primal about the whole thing; nature doing what nature does, and we were part of it.

"Bella, I want to ask you to do something with me," he said making me tense from his serious tone.

I waited for it. "I want to confront my father, the both of us together, united, you know."

"He was responsible?" I asked, suddenly terrified it wasn't over.

"I did some digging last night and found a few things I need to set him straight about."

"I don't want to cause you any problems, Edward."

He stopped walking and pulled my body against his, "You are the solution, love, not the cause."

I nodded, too afraid to use actual words. I was so intimidated by Carlisle and owed him my legs. How could I complain? I decided to trust Edward.

He kissed me as the waves sounded around us and I felt like a movie star. The feeling left when we pulled into the parking garage at Cullen Enterprises. I stared at the sign in front of the stall, "Edward Cullen, Vice President." I couldn't mess this up for him.

"Edward," I said as I grabbed his hand.

He laughed and shook his head. "It's just a title, we have tons of VP's. Besides it's the will that really counts," he winked, and I didn't find it funny.

It felt like I was walking in with Moses, the way everyone parted and made room for him. Of course they all stared at me and wondered why he was holding my hand and dressed so casually.

When the elevator opened the young woman I had talked with before nodded at Edward and said, "Emmett's office."

We turned and headed down the hallway. I was literally shaking so hard it was difficult to walk. Edward either ignore it or had his own shaking going on and wasn't aware of mine.

He stopped in front of a door and took a deep breath. "Edward," I whispered. "What are we going to do?"

"I'm going to finally become a man," he whispered back. "And we're going to fight for us."

Okay, that made sense. I was going to fight for Edward and I was going to fight until my dying breath. I couldn't go back to my sorry existence without him. I would die, I would jump from the highest building and splatter onto the sidewalk below, figuratively of course.

He opened the door and I thought I was going to wet myself. The entire family was there, as well as Tanya and Jake. Carlisle looked beyond pissed, Emmett was pulling on his collar, and Alice was bouncing on her chair.

We walked in and stood in front of them all. "We're going to get everything out in the open," Edward stated.

"I don't have time for this," Carlisle stood to leave.

"Sit down, father," Edward said in anger.

He remained standing until Esme spoke up. "Carlisle, sit down and listen to your son."

Carlisle looked shocked, but he sat back down. "Holy shit," I thought as all eyes turned towards Edward and me.

"I want everyone in this room to be aware that the vote to issue the grant to Bella passed by only one single vote," Edward informed them.

Everyone turned to look at Carlisle. He would have to have voted no to make that many of the board do the same. He actually wanted to keep me in a chair. I couldn't understand why.

"That is confidential information Edward, where do you get that?" Carlisle's face was turning red.

I thought back to the secretary and how she nodded knowingly at Edward. I think I knew who his source was.

"It wouldn't have mattered to me, dad. I still wanted her even with the chair. The surgery was for her, not me." Edward's hand tightened around mine as he spoke.

"Edward, you are the future of Cullen Enterprises. You need to do better than me, you had every advantage I could give you, and I didn't want you repeating my mistakes."

Everyone's eyes turned to Emmett, and my heart broke for him. The only happy person in the Cullen family and Carlisle just called him a mistake.

Rosalie threw her pen to the ground and looked at Carlisle. "You better fucking rephrase that right now," she yelled.

Go She-Ra!

"I didn't mean it like that, I just meant things were complicated when I married Elizabeth, and it was my mistakes that made it that way," he explained.

"How does your inability to keep your dick in your pants relate to, Bella," Edward yelled. "She is a far better person than I will ever come close to being."

I wanted to dispute that fact, but since opening my mouth would result in a puddle on the floor I stayed quiet.

Carlisle turned to Emmett and pleaded with him. "I love you son, you have been such a joy in my life, please know that. I just didn't want Edward getting involved with the wrong type of girl to complicate his life."

Screeeeeeeeeeeeeetch! Back up here a second. I didn't care who this man was he was not going to call me white trash. I worked too hard to rise above my conditions to be held down by some milk toast dickhead.

"You know nothing about me," I spoke up quietly. "I shared my childhood with the board and that was it. You don't know a single thing about my character, my aspirations, and my capabilities. How dare you sit in judgment of me."

Carlisle put his fingers to his lips, most likely holding back what he wanted to say to me. Edward turned to Jake. "You lied to me, and you used Bella's friendship to betray her trust."

I spoke up again. "And you lied to me, Tanya. You made me believe Edward didn't love me anymore. Were you and Jake laughing behind my back?"

Her eyes narrowed, but Jake looked visibly sick. "It was all for a greater cause," Tanya sneered.

"Which was what?" I asked.

"To save Edward."

"From what…me? To spare him from my abundant love, my unwavering trust in him, my complete devotion, was that what he needed saved from?"

"From becoming the laughing stock of the business world. Did you think he was going to entertain political dignitaries and company President's from all over the world with his crippled wife cowering in the corner?" Tanya laughed.

"And you were a better choice, unable to smile from the Botox and hiding out in back alley clinics until the signs of your latest touch up goes away? At least I am real, and my love for Edward is real," I screamed without thinking about what I was saying.

Bubbles laughed and had to cover her mouth to keep her composure. I turned to Carlisle. "You seriously think she would be better for Edward than me?"

"I don't think Edward is prepared to make any decisions regarding his future right now," he said dodging my question.

"Why," Edward asked. "I'm twenty six years old with a masters and help run a multibillion dollar company, why am I unprepared to find the right woman?"

"You're blinded by love and not looking at things rationally," he said shaking his head.

"Carlisle," Esme spoke up. "Do you love me?"

"What," he turned to her confused.

"Do you love me?"

"Absolutely," he stressed.

"My parents are really my aunt and uncle. My father shot my mother in a drunken rage when I was eleven and he died in the Arizona state prison fourteen years ago," Esme confessed.

The room was silent until Rosalie spoke up. "I attended college on a full ride scholarship and stole clothes from modeling jobs. My dad is a guard at a nuclear power plant down state and my mom is a seamstress."

Jasper cleared his throat before speaking. "You all know I come from an aristocratic family from the south, which only means we're completely broke and live off the fortune of our good name. I work for Cullen Enterprises because I need the money."

Everyone sat too stunned to speak, trying to let everything sink into their brains. Emmett was still pulling on his collar so Edward interrupted the silence.

"And, Emmett take off the damn tie, for Christ sakes."

Everyone broke into laughter and Emmett forcefully removed the tie and threw it onto the ground.

Edward pulled me into his arms and turned to announce to the whole room, "Bella is the center of my life now and I am going to go spoil her for her birthday. If anyone ever interferes with our relationship again they will seriously pay."

He turned to kiss me quickly and we walked from the room. When we reached the elevator I began laughing hysterically. I couldn't believe what just happened and was so relieved it turned out the way it did.

"What's next, we negotiate a Middle East peace agreement?" I said as I hugged him tightly.

"No, we go pick up your new car," he answered before kissing my stunned lips.


	19. Chapter 19

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 19

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 19

**Feel the Night**

I pulled away from him and planted my perfectly working feet firmly on the ground. "You are not buying me a car," I said with finality.

"Already did," he laughed.

"No, I won't allow it, Edward," I said as tears filled my eyes.

"You are not driving that dinosaur with those gorgeous legs, I won't allow it."

"Don't," I whispered too upset to speak.

"Bella, look at me," he said lifting my chin. "How many birthdays have you had where you got gifts?"

I shook my head to embarrassed to say the word none.

"I have the means to do something incredible for you, money doesn't mean anything to me, but you do. Let me do this for you. It will make me happy."

"I can't repay you," I cried.

He brushed his mouth intimately over mine as he spoke, "Sure you can."

"I love you, Edward, that isn't payment for a car."

"What you're willing to give me is way more valuable than a car, you have no idea how much I love you."

"I don't want your things, I want you," I said as my knees went weak.

"You have me, body and soul, so let me have some fun."

"What kind of car?" I asked and his eyes lit up.

"A dependable one," he laughed. I somehow doubted that was at the top of his criteria.

"How did you buy a car over night?" I asked beginning to think he was just teasing me.

"Bella, I'm hurt, you doubt me."

"I'm just really hoping you're playing with me."

He opened my door and walked around to his side of the Jaguar. "That comes later," he smiled and my heart did a somersault.

So, I am now the proud owner of Mercedes GLK, assured no snowstorm will ever keep me off the road. I will never be able to feed Copper again due to the insurance but Edward assured me it wouldn't be a problem. I vowed to keep it in tip top shape so I could sell it when he awoke from his stupor and decided he wanted me to pay him back.

The rest of the afternoon was spent at the DMV getting my license renewed. Nothing like the federal government at its finest! Edward entertained me by making up nicknames for the workers and whispering them erotically in my ear. I was laughing and swooning at the same time.

It was just getting dark when we headed to his place. I had no idea where he lived and was anxious to see if it was the perfect blend of man and boy like his office. I was also terrified for what the night was promising.

When we pulled into his parking garage he turned off the engine and looked over at me. My heart was beating out of my chest. He leaned across the console and took my hands in his.

"I love you, Bella, and nothing will happen if you're not ready."

I nodded and smiled at him. He had no idea how amazing he was and my only fear was in disappointing him.

He got my bag and we headed up to his condo. I was relieved to see he didn't have the entire floor but it was still an amazing sight. It was the perfect bachelor pad but didn't feel anything like Edward. It was too monochrome, Edward was colorful, and there were no toys.

We both removed our shoes. "You have a great place," I said as he moved me against the wall for a passionate kiss.

"I have an even better bed," he said into my neck.

"I guess I should tell you the answer to the question you asked," I breathed as he moved to my shoulder.

"Mmm…..what question was that?"

"If I faked."

He licked along my chin and then pulled back to look into my eyes.

"And?"

"I didn't."

He smiled a cocky smile and said, "I know."

"Then why did you ask?" I said appalled.

"I wanted you to be thinking about it."

"You're evil," I declared as he returned to my neck.

"And you're an angel," he murmured.

He finally took my hand and led me to the bedroom. The entire room was filled with roses and I gasped at his floor to ceiling windows overlooking the lake. The stars were coming out and the lights from the boats dotted the water.

"This is perfect, Edward." I said putting my hand over my heart, causing me to remember the large scar. I wished I was perfect for him.

The door bell made me jump and Edward laughed telling me it was just dinner he arranged to have delivered. He left the room and I looked around a little more. On his bed stand was a single picture. It was of a woman and a child. The boy was definitely Edward and the woman had the same unique color of hair, it had to be Elizabeth.

He came in with a tray to see me holding the picture. "I want one of you," he said.

"I thought you had some of me cleaning up the coffee," I joked.

"Those are in my desk drawer, I need one for my bed table."

He poured us both a glass of wine and I drank mine down quickly, I needed liquid courage tonight. He barely sipped his, needing all his control tonight.

We settled on the bed sharing the different pasta's and kissing softly every so often. I was beginning to feel the effects of the third glass of wine so I backed off.

"I'm going to jump in the shower," Edward announced. "I'll use the one down the hall you can have this bathroom to yourself."

"I don't want to take your bathroom from you," I said stupidly.

He laughed and spoke cryptically as he stood. "I have something I need to take care of, so I will use the one down the hall."

I had no idea what he was talking about and he just chuckled and left the room. I went into his bathroom and opened my bag. I tried to decide if I should try to hide the scars or just get it over with. I pulled out different combinations of teddies and panties but nothing seemed right. I wasn't trying to seduce him, or shock him, or hold him back. I just wanted to give myself to him.

So I settled on that, just me, nothing else. I took a quick shower trying to keep my hair dry and brushed my teeth until the enamel was wearing off. I walked back to the dark room completely naked and was so relieved he wasn't there. I caught the lights and went right to the window. It was spectacular, so romantic and made me want to cry.

"God Bella," I heard him gasp. I spun around to see him standing in a towel, his hair wet and wild. He looked me up and down and I suddenly felt embarrassed. My arms unintentionally moved to cover myself.

"No," he said lifting his hand toward me. "Don't move, let me look at you."

I felt tears spill over my eyes and down my cheeks but I wasn't sad or upset. I was overwhelmed by him. He pushed a button on the wall and soft music began to play. He walked slowly over to me and reached out to run his finger tip down the soft pink scar on my chest.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"I came so close to losing you, I need this to remind me, don't be sorry." He leaned over and gently kissed the faint line.

His hands moved to my hips and he looked down at the scars which fixed my legs, running his fingers over them too. When he finished he pulled my hips up against his and stared directly into my eyes.

"I'm not on the pill," I said barely above a whisper.

"I have condoms."

"I don't know how to use those," I admitted.

"It's okay, I do."

"I'm not sure what to do," I finally confided in him.

"Just love me, that's all, just love me."

And that is exactly what I did. I loved him, and touched him, and cried out for him. He was patient and gentle and showed me what to do and when he cried out my name I thought my heart wouldn't be able to stand the joy. He got a warm cloth and cleaned away the evidence of my innocence and had tears falling from his cheeks as he did.

I pulled him to me and kissed his wet face.

Thank you," he whispered.

"I love you," I answered, unable to find words with enough meaning to say how I really felt.

He rolled over and pulled me onto his chest and we laid there holding onto each other as our souls merged into one. We whispered and giggled and said silly gushy stuff to each other until he finally pulled himself from the bed to get us both some water.

I followed him into the kitchen unable to bare his absence and when he opened the refrigerator door to grab the water bottles his entire body was illuminated. I was overcome with desire and had to have him right then and there.

I grabbed the water bottles and tossed them onto the counter as I practically climbed his frame. I couldn't get close enough to him no matter how plastered I was against him. He fell back into a kitchen chair and I used the leverage from my feet on the floor to move against him. He tried to say something, but I was totally out of control and just covered his mouth with mine. All my pent up need was released as if a dam had burst.

When I finally had the motion I was so desperately craving I looked into his eyes. He was panting and his eyes were wild but I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't slow down or be gentle. This was nothing like what we had done earlier and I wasn't sure if we were still the same people.

"Stop, Bella, we have to stop," he said, as he continued pulling me into him over and over again.

Has he lost his mind? Stop now? No freaking way, the fuse had been lit on the whole damn Fourth of July and he was saying stop?

"You stop now and I will kill you, Edward."

I guess I didn't use a big enough threat because he suddenly pushed me back from his body. My mind wasn't fast enough to register the change, all I knew was the feeling kept building until I practically ripped his hair from his head and my eyes rolled all the way to my toes and back again.

"Shit, Bella," he said as he tried to calm his breathing.

I became aware of his fingers pulling out of me and I gasped at the sight. He did all that with his hand? He was the most talented man in the world; I should call Guinness so they could devote an entire section to him.

He began wiping something from my stomach and I stared at him in confusion. "You ready for a baby, because I'm sure not," he smiled. He was trying to tease but I could see the panic on his face.

I jumped off his lap and covered my mouth with my hands. "I'm sorry, Edward. I wasn't thinking."

He walked to the sink and washed his hands before turning to give me a huge grin. "Bella, meet Eddie."

"I didn't even know you switched to your hand," I giggled.

He pretended to pout. "Don't insult Eddie."

"Never, I love Eddie."

"I'm setting you up another doctor appointment," he chuckled.

I watched him put his arms on the counter and let his head fall for a moment. He shook his head to clear his thoughts and then pulled me over to him.

I was afraid he was mad or was going to ask me to leave; instead he kissed me lovingly before saying, "That was a first for me."

"What was?"

"I've never had sex without a condom."

"Sorry," I offered again. "I wouldn't try to stick you with a baby."

"That is not why I'm making the appointment," he insisted. "Fork… that was hot!"


	20. Chapter 20

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 20

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 20

**Feel the Gossip**

I hate condoms. I despise condoms. I hate Google for suggesting it is less interruptive if I place the condom on Edward. Google lies. I am so excited for my doctor appointment, so I can swallow a little pill on my own time, and Edward never has to pull away from my arms.

Edward should be a professor, because he is the best teacher in the world. He has taught me things everyday in various places; the worst being his office. We were being quiet; at least it was quiet for us, when Emmett barged in. Turns out he knew where the master key was and wanted to torment us for a bit.

Luckily, Edward was lying on top of me to hide my most private parts from Emmett as he sat lazily in a chair and smiled at us. I learned two things about Emmett that day. One, he has a really big mouth, and two, he never forgets.

Edward wanted to come with me to see the gynecologist, but I put my foot down. It is one thing to be exposed to him in passion; it is another thing to lie down with your feet in stirrups and a bright light shining prominently marking the spot. He can have the romantic view and Dr. Todd can have the clinical inspection.

We weren't too far into the examination when I noticed Dr. Todd scrunching her nose and furrowing her brow. In my limited experiences with doctors I knew that was not a good sign.

"What?" I asked her.

"When was your last check with a cardiologist?"

"Um….about seven months ago. Is something wrong?"

"I think you should make an appointment for some follow up. It may be nothing but it seems like one of your valves might be leaking. Just get it checked to make sure."

I agreed, I mean how can you say no when a doctor is about to stick a metal instrument where only Edward should be allowed to go. I was lying there trying to ignore what was going on and thinking about my heart when she said the words that set my ire on fire.

"Keep using condoms until you have gone through at least two cycles of the pills."

…..FORK!

I returned to the office and was pulling up a client file for Mike when I got an e-mail.

**Everything good in Australia?**

_Don't confuse me, very traumatized right now_.

**Down under.**

_Australia not a free country for two more months._

**It's okay, got plenty of diving gear.**

_Hate scuba equipment, want to body surf._

**Can teach you things that don't require gear?**

_Yes, please._

**Can't walk now.**

_Go to board and ask for grant_

**Fine now.**

_Chicken!_

**I love you, Bella**

_Right back at cha, big guy_.

I was counting the moments when the work day would end and I could be with Edward. I was spending so much time at his place Copper was growing more and more independent. I was thinking of trying to find a nice home for him.

The bell rang and I looked up to see She-Ra walk in. She tried to smile politely but something about her screamed 'back off'.

"Hi," she said as she scanned my pitiful office. Hers was most likely a replica of the Moulin Rouge.

"Hi," I said as a witty retort.

"Are you going with Edward to the benefit Saturday?"

"He said we were going somewhere but he didn't give me any details," I said nervously.

She shook her head as if to say Edward was a complete idiot. "You will need a dress, it is formal."

"Like a gown?"

"Yes," she answered as if I irritated her.

I nodded and immediately wondered if the dress I bought for Bubbles wedding would work. There was no way I could afford another one.

"Just so you know, Edward will be receiving an award so you will most likely be photographed."

"Award for what?" I was terrified, and also very proud of my man, my manly man, my sexy manly man….oh, pay attention.

"His region donated the most charitable dollars and service hours. Humanitarian of the year or some bull like that."

I doubted her region would ever win that award. She kind of nodded to me, or at me, and turned and left.

Oookay! I was anxious to try on the dress and see if it still looked decent. I sent Edward a quick e-mail.

_Running home to take care of some things, call when you get home. _

**Change mind about educational instruction?**

_No way, just need vitamins and fluids_

**Tell Eddie hi.**

_Tell him yourself, I'm going to see Copper._

**Leaving soon, come over when done replenishing, don't wear clothing**.

_Didn't plan on it, Love you, see ya!_

I could e-mail him all day but it was so much better having him in my arms when he said those clever, witty, things to me.

I stared at the dress in the mirror for a long time. The back still looked great although I had filled out some curves a bit more. It was going to have to do and it was really Edward's night anyway. Nobody would be looking at me.

I fed Copper and played with him a bit before gabbing clothes for tomorrow and heading to Edwards. I made sure to wear my long coat with my long black boots and nothing else. When I arrived Edward was on the phone. He motioned for me to come in and pointed at the coat closet.

I waited for him to go back to his table where he had paper splayed out and began unbuttoning the coat very slowly. He stared at me and unconsciously licked his lips. When he began to stand I motioned with my finger for him to stop. He sat back down but I had his full attention. Whoever was on the phone might as well have been talking to the wall.

I removed the coat to reveal I was completely nude, but the boots of course. I pulled my hair up on my head and let it slowly fall from my hands as I arched my back at him.

"I have to go, let me call you later, Dad."

Dad? He was talking to his dad! Well, that kind of killed the mood. Until Edward stood and did his own version of a striptease, which was fast and furious. He put on his professor cap and went to work. I am now a huge fan of higher education and working towards my PhD.

He finally brought up the benefit and assured me my dress would be fine. He planned on making an appearance and getting out as fast as possible, maybe I should tell She-Ra so she can come up with a plan to keep him there.

I didn't make an appointment with Carlos for my hair and it turned out to be a big mistake. I pulled it up, going for the sophisticated look but I wasn't sure I could pull it off. I did the best I could and melted when I saw Edward in his tux. He was the reason Adam wore a fig leaf, knowing some day a god like Edward would be wearing a tux.

I didn't pay attention to much else at the gala. Edward and I danced, and danced, and practically gave each other orgasms on the dance floor. We were completely wrapped up in each other, oblivious to the rest of the world.

When I excused myself to use the restroom he held onto my hand causing me to turn back to see what he was doing, he pulled my fingers to his lips and kissed them before mouthing, "I love you."

I floated to the ladies room, and not because I needed to pee. The dress was problematic and I almost had to completely remove it to sit on the toilet. Some women came in to freshen their makeup and I could hear them talking.

"Did you see who Edward Cullen is with?"

"I heard she is some poor girl he found while slumming."

"Her dress is hilarious, what is she, some prom queen from Deliverance?"

"I keep waiting for her to do the stiff handed royal wave."

"Well, I'm sure he's having fun, and it will be easy to pull the hair clip out when she's going down on him."

They all broke out laughing.

I stood there in the stall with tears streaming down my face. I wanted my mother, as horrible and awful as she had been, I wanted to fall into her drunken arms and cry until I forgot all about Cullen Enterprises.

I had to get out of there, but my purse was still in the ballroom. I snuck in a side door just as the lights went low and someone walked to the podium. Everyone's attention was on the speaker, so I grabbed my purse and headed for the door, when I heard Edward's name announced.

I couldn't force myself to leave and not see him honored, so I stood against the back wall to watch. Edward walked to the podium completely surprised as everyone clapped. I was so proud of him. He was looking around desperately, searching for me, and I was relieved to be hidden in the dark.

When he spoke it was right from the heart. He mentioned his mother motivating him to give back to his community and working for her memory, he mentioned the kids he had met along the way, and then he mentioned me. I wanted to scream for him to please, please stop. He called out for me to join him and a spotlight began circling the crowd, searching for me.

This was my biggest nightmare, I felt like Carrie at the prom, but I didn't have the power to lock everyone inside the room and flee. Instead I stood there with a spotlight on me for everyone to laugh.

I walked towards him, with my make-up ruined and in my inappropriate dress. The room was silent and the clicking of my heels echoed as I walked. I saw Carlisle glowering at me, I heard stifled giggles and whispers, but the most painful was Edward's face. He looked absolutely horrified.

I tried to wipe the tears and pretend it was emotion for Edward, but I couldn't fool anyone. When I finally reached him he grabbed my hand and quickly thanked everyone and stepped back from the microphone. He didn't get one word out before people started pulling on him for interviews and photographs.

I pulled my hand from his and let the crowd separate us.

"Bella," he yelled out.

"Go ahead, I'll wait," I said, but I knew I was lying to him. I had to let him return to his world. I had to let our hearts break for awhile, and then give them time to heal. My heart wasn't going to last much longer anyway. Let him hurt now, and only be subjected to the gossip for a bit, instead of dragging it out and hurting him more later.

I walked out front and hailed a cab. I couldn't go home, he would look there. I couldn't go to the office he would look there too. I only knew one person in this big scary city, so I went there.

Mike answered the door and shock crossed his face. I didn't know if it was shock for me coming to his home or shock from how I looked, I didn't care.

"I need your help," I sobbed.

He pulled me into his fat arms and patted my back as I cried, over losing Edward, over my useless mother, and over my failing heart.


	21. Chapter 21

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 21

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 21

**Feel the Past**

Mike was so good to me. He helped me sublet my apartment, he took in Copper, he sold my van to give me some needed cash, and he lied to Edward every time he came across the street looking at my empty desk asking about me.

I found out through a distant aunt my mom had returned to Washington and had been sober for almost a year now. I decided to go meet my mother in her sober state, which I had never seen before, who knew how long it would last.

I parked the car Edward bought me behind Mike's office and then placed the key in an envelope to mail along with a letter. Mike drove me to the bus depot and I boarded a bus for Seattle.

_Edward,_

_I am a coward. I can't face you to say goodbye. I can't even tell you why I' m leaving because you will try to convince me to stay. I didn't stop loving you, Edward. I will love you with my dying breath. I just can't be with you. _

_Please go on with your life and find the perfect woman and have beautiful babies. If it helps to hate me go ahead and hate me. _

_The car is behind Mike's office. He had nothing to do with it, don't blame him._

_I will love you always,_

_Bella._

I had plenty of time to think, as the bus crawled across the flat prairie, towards the looming mountains ahead. Has anybody noticed how freaking long Nebraska is? It took us a month to go from one end of the state to the next. I stared at the cattle, at the farms littering the great expanse, at anything to keep me from thinking of Edward.

I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat, it didn't matter, my broken heart was slowly failing anyway. I looked in my purse at the round container of birth control pills and promised myself I would throw them in the trash at the next bathroom stop.

I tried to come up with things to say to my mother and anticipated her reaction to seeing me. I vacillated between wanting to hurt her and wanting her to love me unconditionally, I settled on pleasant surprise.

When I arrived in Seattle I sat in the empty bus stop surrounded by my bags containing everything I owned in the world, except the gown, which I cut up into strips and burned.

I sat for hours until the bus heading through Forks, Washington announced its departure.

By the time we winded our way through every small town in the state I was the last one remaining when we pulled into Forks. The driver was kind enough to ask the name of the street I needed and dropped me only two doors down from my mom's house.

I piled my stuff and dragged it to her doorstep, praying I wasn't going to have to drag it right back to the bus stop. I knocked and held my breath. The woman who answered was unrecognizable. Where was my skeletal thin mom, with large bags under her eyes, and messy hair?

She stared at me in shock for a moment, and then looked down for my chair.

I had so many things I wanted to say and here was my chance, but I couldn't form the words. The words that flowed from my mouth shocked me as much as my mom.

"I'm fixed momma," I said as tears fell from my eyes.

She grabbed me and pulled me to her chest. She didn't smell like vomit or liquor, she smelled like soap, so I inhaled her into my heart. We both fell to the ground sobbing and apologizing and expressing words of love. We weren't healed, not by a long shot, but we were making a good start.

I took a shower as she made me something to eat. We sat together at the clean table, eating food she had in her house, and her words were not slurred, when she finally asked why I had come. I couldn't tell her about Edward just yet. I didn't trust her not to call him and ask him for money. Instead I asked her about her sobriety.

We talked about the lost years and about her hard road to recovery. She was grateful her aunt gave me the information to find her, and she wanted to start making amends. I agreed to stay as long as she stayed sober. When someone knocked on the door I tensed. Edward had so many resources at his fingertips it wouldn't surprise me if he didn't walk through the door and demand my metal hips back.

It was a man in a police uniform and I really got scared. Surely, I couldn't be arrested for leaving a Cullen, could I?

"Hi, Charlie," my mom said. "Come meet someone."

She turned him to look at me and I couldn't believe the resemblance. He had to be related to me somehow, I looked just like him. He walked slowly towards me like he was seeing a ghost.

"Bella," my mom explained, "this is your father's brother, Charlie."

My eyes got wide and I turned to my mother. "You know my father?"

She began wringing her hands and I instantly feared I was driving her back to the bottle. I spoke to Charlie instead. "Can I meet him?"

Charlie put his arm around my shoulder and explained my father was killed when my mother was pregnant with me. He was making a traffic stop and a semi driver fell asleep at the wheel and drove right over my father's squad car. My parents had only been married for two weeks.

I had no idea they were ever married. My mother always told me she didn't know who my father was. I had assumed she was always a drunk and never considered what would have driven her to drink.

"So can you explain stuff to me?' I asked my uncle Charlie.

"Sure let me drive your mom to work and I'll come back and give you the tour."

"Mom, you work?" I said astonished.

She smiled proudly and shook her head up and down. "I'm the children's librarian."

I hugged her tightly and held my tongue from asking why she couldn't be there for her own child. We were going to need a lot of time to fix things.

I sat anxiously in the squad car as Charlie drove through the small town. We pulled onto a tree lined road and stopped at a cemetery. "Come meet your father, Bella."

I stared at the headstone seeing the words 'Jonathon Swan' engraved in the granite. My father's name was Jonathon. I wanted to run into a stupid Cullen Enterprises board meeting and scream to them that I had a father, and he was a good man, a policeman, and he had a name.

Charlie stood next to me and told me story after story about my father. He was a football star, he loved to fish, he told awful jokes, and laughed easily. I could picture him, looking like Charlie and hugging me tightly, telling me I didn't need the snobs in Chicago. I was home and I was loved.

After a very detailed tour of the tiny town of Forks, way too detailed to keep my interest, we stopped at a diner to eat lunch. I finally got the nerve to ask him about my mother. Seems Charlie had quite a crush on Renee in the old days. When he found out she was a lush living on the streets he went to Chicago and brought her home.

Renee was sure I had left the area and Charlie didn't want to look me up until he was sure Renee could stay clean. It was a rough couple of months, in and out of the hospital, to really get her sober and healthy. He told me she was doing really well and he felt my presence would help, not hurt.

I finally opened up to him, not about Edward, but about my childhood. He listened with pained eyes and clenched fists. I didn't hold back, he had to know how deeply seeded my anger and resentment was. When I finished the story, by telling him about the foundation paying to get me fixed, he swallowed hard and blinked back tears.

"I didn't know, Bella. God, I am so sorry, I didn't know."

"I didn't either, know about you that is. I don't want to push my mom, but I really need her to be my mother right now. I'm hurting and I need someone to lean on."

"I have pretty big shoulders," he smiled.

"I have pretty big problems," I admitted.

"We're family Bells." His nickname made me laugh. "Nothing is too big."

I sat with my mom that evening making plans. I told her I had enough money to purchase us a cheap car to share and I would begin looking for a job the next day. She assured me with Charlie's connections I could find something.

"So mom, what's the deal with you and Charlie?" I teased.

My mom blushed making me laugh hysterically. "I got it from you," I screamed "I blush just like you do."

She smacked my pointing finger and blushed harder.

"You like him don't you?" I pushed.

"It's so complicated, Bella. Do I like him because he is so much like Johnny, or is it really Charlie I have feelings for? And maybe it is the whole savior complex and I'm just grateful?"

"Have you kissed him?"

She shook her head back and forth while blushing again.

"You'll know the answer when you kiss him, mom. If the whole world falls away when his lips touch yours, it is all Charlie!"

She laughed and looked at me suspiciously. "You talking from experience?"

I looked at my fingers and tried to stop the tears. "Yeah, but it's over now."

"Sweetheart, it doesn't look like it's over."

I looked into her kind eyes and I wanted to tell her so badly. I wanted to cry into her shoulder how he was the greatest man in the world, but his father saw me as trash, how I tired so hard to fit into his world, but everyone was laughing at me. I had scars from him, but not on my legs and chest. I had scars on my soul that would never heal, right next to the ones my mother made.

"Mom," I said softly. "Why wasn't I enough?"

She took a deep breath. "Honey, I was so young and Johnny was my world. When you were born you looked so much like him. It cut my heart to look at you. I should have given you up for adoption, but the alcohol kept me from thinking straight. I moved to forget him and when that didn't help I pushed you away. I was selfish Bella, and I was weak."

I simply nodded.

"It isn't an excuse or justification. I can't ask for your forgiveness, because I don't deserve it."

"I can't offer it, yet," I told her.

"It's okay," she whispered. "We had today and today was good."

And that was how I lived, day by day.

I got a job at the high school as a reading aid. I worked with kids struggling with disabilities, A.D.D., and athletes who just didn't want to try. I enjoyed it so much I signed up to take some college classes online. I would go to the library after work and use the computer until my mom was done working.

She went with me to get a new phone number for my cell phone. The young man came out from the back to tell me my mailbox was full and I had over 500 texts. He wanted to know if I needed to go through them before he changed the sim card. I told him there was nothing I needed to see.

A young teacher named Jessica began asking me to do things with her. We went to movies, dinner, and on shopping trips. I wasn't trash to anyone here in Forks. I was Renee and Johnny's daughter and Charlie's niece.

I was finally finding peace in the most surprising place….my past. But two things continued to nag in the recesses of my brain, my heart condition, and my burning ache for Edward.

He appeared in every dream I had no matter how hard I tried to forget him. My mother woke me one night from a nightmare. I had been standing on a stage as people threw garbage at me. I was begging Edward to leave, and not watch, when he stepped forward and threw mud, landing on my now naked body.

My mother held me as I screamed, still not fully awake, "I'm not dirt, Edward, I'm not!"


	22. Chapter 22

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 22

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 22

**Feel the Change**

My mother was waiting for me one day after work, it was a total shock when she turned from the school parking lot, and headed in the wrong direction. "Where're we headed, mom?"

"I'm doing what I should have done years ago. I'm helping my daughter," she said firmly.

She pulled into a medical complex and I wondered how she found out about my heart. Instead of seeing a doctor we saw a therapist. Mom went in first as I waited apprehensively. I knew this was going to bring up some really heavy crap I had been dragging around and I wasn't sure I was ready.

When I was called into the office I was relieved to see a kind, grandmotherly type woman, and wondered if she had some homemade cookies I could eat. She smiled and I smiled back at her….so far so good, no men with straight jackets jumped from behind the desk.

She looked right into my psyche and began shooting off questions.

"Do you have an obsession with alcohol?"

"Hell, no."

"Do you resent your mother?"

"Hell, yeah."

"Do you have healthy relationships with men?"

"Hell, oh, just hell."

"Tell me about Edward," she said, pen at the ready.

I am so going to smack my mother. I could play this game too. "Did my mom tell you about Charlie?"

"Who's Charlie," she asked.

"Ah ha!" I yelled.

"Is Charlie a man you're dating?"

Ew…I loved my uncle, but I didn't 'love' my uncle.

"Charlie, is the brother of my dead father, who is in love with my mother," I said to take all the focus off of me.

"Do you see Charlie as a father figure?"

_What the fork?_ Why are we still talking about me? It's my mother she should drag in here and set straight.

"I guess so, he's the only male in my life," I confessed.

"Who's Edward?"

"Over… that's who Edward is."

"Why?" she pushed.

"Two different worlds."

"What made them so different?" she pushed again.

Grandma was not backing off and I was about ready to bitch slap her with the 'Playtex cross-your-heart bra' she was wearing.

I chuckled, though not amused. "Mine was reality and his was fairy tale."

"You think he never felt pain or disappointment?"

Shoot the damn arrow right into my heart, granny. "Yes, he did, from dating me."

"Did he tell you that?" she asked peering over her reading specs.

"Of course not, Edward never said a negative word to me, he was loving, and encouraging, and accepting, and I kick him in the heart."

"Why?"

"For his own good."

She removed the glasses and looked at me accusingly. "His good or your comfort?"

"His good gave me comfort," I said, pulling the old switch-a-roo on her.

"Screaming in your sleep is comfortable for you?"

Damn it, mother!

"Look," I explained. "Edward is wealthy, and gorgeous, and educated, and has the world at his fingertips. He associates with politicians, and corporate giants, and people who know how to use fifteen forks. His clothes are custom made and he buys people cars as birthday gifts…."

"And you were just a possession to him?"

"No, he's not like that," I defended.

"Did he try to change you or stifle your personal dreams?"

"No, he was supportive," I mumbled.

She sat quietly staring at me, making me explain why I left such a remarkable man.

"They laughed at me," I whispered as the tears began to fall.

"Edward?"

"No, the people at the benefit. The laughed at my dress and called me names."

"What did Edward do?"

"He didn't know, I didn't tell him. He won an award, so he called me forward to walk in front of all the people laughing at me…and his father stared hatefully at me." The tears were streaming now.

"So Edward wanted to bring you forward proudly, for everyone to see, he wasn't worried about your dress or his father's stares?"

I shook my head, unable to speak.

"Was leaving for his good or your comfort?" she asked again.

"I'm going to die soon," I said barely above a whisper.

"What?" she said loudly.

"I had my heart fixed, but the valves are leaking. I don't have the money to do it again, and I can't ask the foundation to pay again."

"How old are you?" she asked looking through the file in front of her.

"I'm twenty- four."

Her face grew into a huge smile. "Honey, you have one year to get your heart fixed."

"What?"

"Your father was a state employee; you are covered up to twenty-five under his death benefit. Who do you think is paying my bill?" She laughed.

She picked up the phone and within ten minutes had me an appointment in Seattle. I was stunned, and I was also pissed that I had spent years in a wheelchair; I spilled my childhood for all those hoity toity's to hear, and I had left Edward.

"This isn't fair," I screamed. "I didn't know, my mother never told me, or helped me, or did anything for me."

The therapist stood and opened the door for my mother to come in.

"Tell her," she said to me.

"Why couldn't you be stronger, mother? Why did you do this to me? Charlie loves you and he would have been there for you," I screamed at her. "I didn't deserve the life you gave me. I didn't deserve to be confined to a wheelchair because you were weak, I was only a child, damn you mother, damn you!

"You're right, Bella. Don't make my mistake. Can't you see you are doing the exact same thing? I was afraid of what Charlie's parents would say, what the town would say. Don't do what I did!"

I fell onto the floor beating my fist against the industrial grade carpet. "I'm not strong enough," I cried.

My mother ran to my side and threw her arms around me. "Yes, you are," she yelled. "You are Jonathon Swan's daughter and you can do anything."

"I don't want to die," I sobbed into her chest.

"No, my sweet baby, we won't let you die."

She held me, and rocked me, and talked to me, like a mother should, as I cried in her arms. When I finally stood, and dumped the pile of used tissues from my lap to the trash, I looked into the therapists smug face.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Joyce Simpson."

"Well, Joyce Simpson, we'll be back," I said as I led my mother out the door.

We set up another appointment, and that night I spilled my guts to my mom about Edward. I told her everything, as she listened, and nodded, and sighed, never making a comment until I was done talking.

"Honey, call him," she suggested.

"Not until I see the cardiologist. I can't make him go through this all again. And mom, tell Charlie how you feel."

She bit her lip and looked terrified. I knew the fear that was in her eyes. I knew exactly what it felt like to have hope rattling around in your chest, and maybe together we would both be strong enough to let our hearts believe.

I sat in my room listening at the door like a snoop as my mom talked to Charlie. It was excruciating to listen to. She talked in circles, she denied things, then admitted them, and she tried to give him every excuse under the sun not to love her, and then begged him to give her a chance.

He said one line, "It's about damn time, Renee."

I came screaming from the room to interrupt their passionate kiss and Charlie waved me off with his hand. I jumped up and down like I would have at the age of four if my mom would have made the right decision then.

They both escorted me to the hospital physician's plaza; I sat in the paper gown, terrified of having my chest opened again. The doctor asked me questions about different symptoms and I realized the pounding in my chest and the flutters were only there when I was with Edward, maybe it wasn't a faulty heart, but a heart in love.

He listened to my heart for what seemed like hours and I could smell the coffee on his breath. He finally wrote out an order for a CT scan and told me some leaky valves are not serious enough to need fixing. I had to keep that hope, but also prepare for the worst.

After the test we headed back to Forks; I would get the results in a week. Things sure moved faster when Carlisle Cullen was running things.

Jessica and I spent the week doing things to keep my mind occupied. I told her about Edward and she told me about a science teacher she was crushing on. I made her promise if my heart was fine, and I had to call Edward, than she had to ask the teacher out.

It was fun to have someone to talk to about Edward and his family. I tried to explain his family tree to her confused face and told her the nicknames I had for everyone. She couldn't believe all the drama rich people caused and seemed to fall in love with Edward like I did.

When we talked about our sex lives, it was painful. He was the only man I would ever want and reliving his hands on my body made the ache so much worse. Jessica laughed at me and encouraged me to try and hook up with someone for the sole purpose of having a comparison. That was never going to happen.

I had a complete support system next to me when I made the phone call for my test results. Charlie had his hands on my shoulders; Renee was holding my free hand, as Jessica squeezed my knee. I did the whole 'uh hu', 'sure', vague responses, until my shoulders were about to give out from Charlie's grip.

I hung up and looked into their waiting face. "I'm good for another thousand miles!" I yelled.

The house erupted in cheers and Charlie insisted on taking us out for dinner. I was so relieved until someone brought up the subject of Edward. I didn't have his phone number, although I would only have to call Cullen Enterprises to talk with him, so I chickened out and decided to e-mail him. Jess let me use her laptop and after hours of debating what to write I decided on one line.

_Can I still be your last?_

I hit send and waited anxiously. I had my fingers crossed, my legs crossed and I was willing to have my eyes crossed if it would help.

A soft bell signaled a reply from Cullen Enterprises.

Undeliverable address, recipient no longer employee.

"What?" I gasped. "How could Edward leave the company he was going to inherit?"

"Maybe it's a mistake; maybe you entered his name incorrectly," Jess said to calm me.

I pulled up the company emails and scanned the list for Edward's name. It wasn't there. Maybe he went to London after all. I was frantically trying to figure out how I would get a passport and money for a plane ticket.

I saw Jasper's name and clicked on it.

_Jasper, this is Bella, trying to find Edward_.

The response stunned me.

**So are we.**


	23. Chapter 23

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 23

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 23

**Feel the Anxiety**

I grabbed my phone and called Cullen Enterprises asking for Jasper. He picked up on the first ring, obviously expecting the call. My heart was in my throat and I was hoping Edward was looking for me or maybe Jasper was teasing me.

"What do you mean you're looking for him too?" I said, without so much as a hello.

"He left, nobody knows where he went. He never came back to work after the benefit, you know, the night you left."

"Nobody checked on him?" I asked, assuming others would have picked up the slack for my thoughtless behavior.

"Sure we talked to him, you messed him up really bad, Bella," he accused. "He took some time off and left, we just don't know where he went."

"When's he coming back?"

"Beats me, Carlisle is pretty pissed."

"Carlisle can go screw himself," I said with venom.

"Where are you, Bella?"

"I went home to Washington, my mom's sober and doing really well." It sounded so selfish to even say the words.

The line was quiet.

"I had to leave, Jasper. I had my reasons."

"I'm sure you did, you just should have told them to Edward."

"If you hear from him let me know, okay?"

"Sure, I will use the email address I have."

It was actually Jessica's email but she would let me know if she got anything from Jasper. I hung up and tried to think of anyplace Edward would go. It was winter so the Cubs weren't playing and I suddenly realized how one sided our relationship was. He did all the giving and I did all the taking. I vowed to fix that if he gave me the chance.

Therapy was really hard when self evaluation shed light on how awful a person you could be. I wasn't healthy before, and if Edward would just give me one last chance, I could prove to him he could depend on me. I just didn't know if I would ever have that chance.

Charlie was my only hope. He would have to use his police skills to find Edward and I would be willing to pay any amount, no matter how long it took me to pay it off. In the back of my mind I kept hoping Edward was on his own quest to find me. I wasn't hiding. I got a job, purchased a car, and a new cell phone number, any private detective would be able to find me.

I was at work, waiting on a basketball player struggling to keep his grades up to stay on the team, when my memories of Edward made me cry. I had a therapy session the night before and Joyce had me write down things I now noticed were trust issues with men. Too many of them related to Edward, no matter how open I thought I was at the time.

"Miss Swan, are you okay?"

"Yes, Seth, I'm fine. Have a seat and show me the paper you started."

"Um…didn't really start it," he smiled, hoping his dimples would stop my anger.

I looked at him without saying a word. We sat in silence staring at each other.

"What? He finally asked.

I shrugged, our silence continued.

"Are we just going to sit here today?"

"You didn't do your work, what do you expect us to do?" I asked him.

"You could help me with it," he suggested.

"Then it's my work, not yours."

"So," he gave me another panty dropping grin.

"Seth, I made some pretty remarkable decisions in my life; I have also made some major mistakes, but they were mine. I have to live with the rewards or the consequences; right now I have some pretty sucky consequences. So you will have to excuse me if I don't give a rats ass about your inability to keep your grades up to stay on the team. You do the work or you don't….your choice."

"You want the team to lose, because if I don't play we will never make it to regionals?"

"I have nothing to do with you playing. I am here to look over your work and turn your weaknesses into strengths. You have no work; my job is obsolete, so pick up your books and get your lazy ass out of my room."

He grabbed his back pack and stormed out the door. It took everything I had not to run after him, but he wasn't gaining anything or learning anything. I couldn't let him get by on his looks; it wasn't fair to him in the long run. That much I had learned in therapy; take responsibility and you have much more control over your life.

The door opened again and Seth looked at me. "If I write the paper will you help my before school tomorrow?"

"I would love to, Seth."

He nodded and walked out. I felt like flying. I did something good. I helped someone. I decided right then and there I was going to become a teacher. I wished so badly I could share the epiphany with Edward. But just like Seth, I made my choices and would have to work extra hard to make up for them.

I checked in with Jasper every week, but he never had any news for me. I had no idea if I could trust him, so I began calling Edward's condo association to see if he had returned. Charlie told me things take a long time in the 'people finding' business, and with Edward's resources he could stay hidden a lot longer than most.

It was almost time for the school year to be over, leaving me unemployed for the summer, when Jessica got an e-mail from Jasper.

**Bella,**

**Carlisle got news Edward bought a boat, registered as 'Bella's Memory' out of Florida. Trying to find out where he went, will let you know when I find out more."**

**Jasper**

A boat, a freaking boat, he could be anywhere or be gone for years. He could be island hopping with every bikini babe south of Jacksonville. Edward would look so hot captaining a boat, but I kept picturing the S.S. Minnow, which was not a good sign. It would be just my luck Edward would end up shipwrecked with a movie star and a hot farmer chic.

What if he was like Tom Hanks in Castaway and stayed lost for years? I would wait, I would become a teacher and purchase Copper II and wait for him to be rescued.

I grabbed my phone and called Charlie. He was very optimistic we would get a good lead on where Edward was headed by fuel receipts. He was going to jump on the lead right away and told me to get started on that passport. Hope was back!

With my epiphany, coupled with my hope, and strengthened with my therapy, I was a force to be reckoned with. I marched into the science department, looked Ben Johnson right in the eyes and said, "Jessica Stanley has a crush on you, ask her out before you lose your chance."

Jessica called me every dirty name she could think of until he called her that night. Suddenly I was the most brilliant woman alive. If only I had this chutzpah before, I would be with Edward right now. I would have walked up to the podium at that benefit, kissed Edward long and hard, and then yelled into the mic, "Anyone who doesn't like me or my dress can just suck it!"

I was so much braver now I had Renee, Charlie, and Jessica supporting me.

It was two weeks later Charlie had a time line on Edward. He could follow his path south through the keys down to South America, but seemed to lose him in Brazil.

I called Jasper, to tell him what I knew, and to see if he heard anything different. He pretended I was a client and called me Walter, so I assumed Carlisle was in the room. I asked him if I could call at five pm and he agreed.

As soon as school was out for the day I ran to my car and called Jasper. It was a little after five, his time, and I was so afraid I would miss him. He answered on the first ring.

"Jasper, my uncle traced Edward to Brazil, do you know where he would go from there?"

"I know exactly where he is if you traced him to Brazil. Keep this quiet Bella, okay?"

My heart was going wild. "Okay."

"His mom's family has a private Island off the coast of Brazil. They would help him keep news from Carlisle if he didn't want to be found. "

"Do you know exactly where it is; I mean would I be able to go there to find him?"

"I can fly you there; I've taken Edward enough times to know where it is."

"I'm coming to Chicago, Jasper."

"No, meet me in Florida… Miami. And Bella, if Edward doesn't want to be found he is going to be really mad, just warning you."

"I deserve his anger, but I have to find him. Am I disrupting things with you and Alice?"

"Edward was my best friend long before I met Alice. He loves you, Bella."

"I can't come for two more weeks, so when and where do I meet you?"

"I'll email you the info."

"Thank you, Jasper," I said with all my heart.

Two weeks, fourteen days, three hundred and thirty-six hours, no matter how you counted, it still equaled a heck of a lot of time.

I was at school one afternoon and decided to head home early to see if my passport arrived in the mail. I was getting anxious and couldn't believe the U.S. Mail would be the reason I couldn't go find Edward. I was thrilled to see the large envelope and could now begin packing. In just a couple of days I would be able to beg Edward to forgive me.

Charlie's cruiser was out front so I headed inside to share the good news. I opened the door and instantly wished I could have my eyes surgically removed, maybe even sucked out of my head. The image of Charlie, still wearing his gun belt, pants around his ankles, and Renee on the kitchen table, will be forever seared into my brain.

I screamed, turned and ran back out of the house. I was laughing, and a bit nauseous, by the time I reached my car. I heard my mother yelling my name and turned around to find her running down the driveway with a look of guilt, and remorse, and terror, on her face.

"Bella, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you would be home. I am so, so sorry," she was pleading. "This isn't like before, I promise. I love Charlie, I'm sober…."

"Mother," I laughed. "Don't just leave him hanging in there, my god, have some sympathy."

"You're not mad?" she asked, with a shocked face.

"No, I'm totally grossed out and I will never eat at the table again, but I'm not mad.

She smiled and stepped forward to hug me, so I stuck my hand out to stop her. "Oh no you don't, I know where those hands have been!" I teased her.

She laughed and backed up to return to the house.

"And mom, tell him to take the gun off. I am NOT explaining that to a coroner!"


	24. Chapter 24

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 24

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 24

**Feel the Journey**

I landed at the Miami airport and was met by a squad car Charlie had arranged to take me to a small airstrip at a private subdivision. I never knew houses could have hangers instead of garages. To me it was the Jetsons come to life.

I felt like a spy sneaking into a foreign country to rescue an agent, only I didn't know if the agent even wanted to be rescued. I was excited at the possibility of seeing Edward, but also terrified he would send me right back home.

Jasper looked exactly the same but he said I seemed happier. I told him all about my mom and Charlie, my job, Forks, and my therapy. I realized I had been babbling nonstop so I tried to be quieter, but he was married to Bubbles so surely he was used to someone so animated.

We flew in silence for awhile and he finally asked me the million dollar question. "Why did you leave him, Bella?"

Just thinking about it brought tears to my eyes. "I'm not the same person now, so looking back it seems ridiculous. I just couldn't fit into his world, but now I see he never wanted me to. The night of the benefit…."

I couldn't continue and turned to look out the window.

"I'm sorry Bella; it's none of my business."

"He always seemed so strong to me," I whispered. "I didn't know I would hurt him."

Jasper smiled softly. "Edward is one of a kind. He is a genuinely nice guy regardless of what Carlisle wants him to be. He is so much like his mother."

"Why does Carlisle hate me so much," I asked, hoping to finally hear the truth.

"I think it's embedded in his DNA to look at a person's portfolio before their character," he chuckled. "He also thinks Edward is weak. He wants some strong bitch to push him, make him greedy and cut throat…..like a real Cullen."

"Like Rosalie?" I immediately regretted saying her name.

Jaspers head snapped around to look at me and then began laughing. "Yes, like her."

"Do you like working for Carlisle?"

"I'm not on the board, so Alice is the one who really works for him. I travel to the different divisions and know Carlisle more on a personal basis."

"Does Emmett get along with him?" I asked, remembering the harsh words Carlisle had used.

"Emmett gets along with everyone. He lets everything slide and goes with the flow. He isn't as sensitive as Edward, but he doesn't have the pressure Edward does either."

"Why is Edward the heir if Emmett is older?"

"Elizabeth's family put up most of the money to take the company to another level. The Cullens are rich but nothing like the Masens."

I sat there thinking about the family dynamics Edward had to deal with. I was so caught up in my own drama I never considered things would be hard for Edward. The more I found out about him to more selfish I felt. He never thought of me as a girl in a wheelchair, I was the one keeping me stuck as that girl.

We landed at a small airstrip to get fuel and then flew along the shoreline of Brazil to a small coastal town. "I thought he was on an island?" I asked.

"He is… we have to take a boat from here."

"How much will it cost?" I was beginning to think I didn't have enough money with me if we were taking boats and refueling.

Jasper laughed hard. "Believe me darling, this trip is all on Edward."

"Why?" I asked confused.

"Because I'm going to give him a choice, I can kick his ass, or he can pay for the adventure."

"He'll pay?"

"Oh yeah, he'll pay," he laughed.

Jasper was talking with a water taxi and I couldn't understand a word he was saying. He waved me over and we got in a fast power boat that sprayed me with water. I looked like a wet rat and hoped Edward would give me a second to freshen up before the wailing and gnashing of teeth commenced.

I saw the small island coming closer, and closer, and began to shake. I was suddenly terrified. Jasper seemed concerned about something, but the boat was too loud to ask him about it. When we pulled up to the dock he asked me to stay put. He jumped onto the dock and ran towards the house. He was inside for a few moments and then came running back to the boat.

He grabbed my bag and spoke to the driver, before helping me onto the dock. I was surprised to see the boat pull away. "Are we staying?" I asked.

"Yeah, there's a crock pot plugged in, so he'll be coming back sometime today."

The house was gorgeous, decorated in blues and whites. It had a very island feel to it. The open windows sent a breeze flowing through the light curtains. It was relaxing and I began to feel better by just being this close to Edward.

I took the opportunity to jump in the shower, so I could be presentable for my aggressive begging. When I got out I looked at the toiletries on the counter and froze. This stuff belonged to a woman, expensive shampoos and makeup. The perfume had a French name that I couldn't even pronounce. Edward wasn't here alone. I knew this was a possibility, but I had prayed he wouldn't fall in love again so quickly. He waited almost a year for me last time.

I ran back out to the main room to tell Jasper and saw the front door wide open. I looked outside to see Jasper on the dock walking towards a boat. My heart was pounding so hard I thought I was going to pass out. I walked closer peeking through a window to see a woman step out of the boat. She was tall, almost as tall as Edward, with strawberry red hair, and very thin. He finally found his super model.

She was dressed in shorts and a bikini top and I couldn't help but mentally compare my chest to hers. I won, until you got to the scar running between my breasts. She stood on the dock talking to someone still in the boat. Jasper stopped half way down the dock and waited.

I gasped when I saw Edward. His hair was to his shoulders and he had a full beard. He had on a pair of cut offs and water shoes, but no shirt. He was so thin, maybe he had been shipwrecked after all and the woman rescued him, forcing him to promise his undying love in trade for his life.

Edward walked slowly towards Jasper and looked irritated rather than angry. He introduced the woman to Jasper and they shook hands. I was hoping Jasper would declare his loyalty to me and push her into the ocean. Instead he smiled politely and shook her hand a little too long. I wiped my hands on my pants in preparation to meeting the model. My heart stopped beating when Jasper pointed to the house and Edward looked up.

He couldn't see me from where he was standing and didn't know I was looking at him. His shoulders fell and he started running his hands through his hair and beard. The woman looked at the house and then began walking my way. Edward said something and she turned back to him. They spoke for a moment, with her hand on his neck, and then she headed back towards me.

I ran my fingers through my hair trying desperately to look somewhat less pathetic when Joyce's words rang in my head. "Does Edward lie? Then why don't you believe him when he says he finds you beautiful?"

I took a deep breath and found courage in the fact he loved me once. If he loved her now I would understand, but he found me worthy of his love at one time.

The woman opened the screen door and stepped inside looking directly at me. "Hi, I'm Victoria, you're Bella?"

"Yes, hi. I'm sorry we just showed up, we didn't mean to interfere."

She laughed and even her laughter was beautiful. "I'm glad you showed up. It has been rather boring with just me and Edward."

WHAT! She has the professor of love on a deserted island and she is bored. I wanted to kill her for her lack of Eddie appreciation.

"I used your shower, I hope you don't mind. It was a long trip," I explained.

"Oh sure, feel free to use any thing. Are you too warm in those jeans?"

She would love for me to show up with my Washington State white legs to blind Edward from having to see his ex. Well, she could just bite me!

"No, I'm comfortable, thanks."

I saw Jasper and Edward head to the house; I was mentally screaming at myself to maintain control and not cry. I really, really, did not want Victoria to see me cry. Jasper came through the door first and Edward walked in with his head down. I waited for what seemed like an hour for his head to slowly lift and his eyes to meet mine.

I folded like a house of cards, I felt the tears fall from my eyes and could not even move. I had envisioned running into his arms or saying something witty; instead I stood there and cried.

He cleared his throat and looked away as his eyes got watery. He stood frozen to his spot too. We were both emotional and both terrified. Finally Jasper spoke up.

"Victoria and I will take a little walk."

She reached over and took the arm he was offering, smiling seductively like all super models do, and I noticed how his face lit up. Alice was going to kill me!

The screen door slammed shut making Edward and I both jump. We looked at each other again and it was awkward and too quiet. I opened my mouth to say his name, but nothing came out. This was not turning out the way I thought it would. Maybe time had changed us both too much.

He walked over to a chair and sat down. I notice it was a chair; making sure I couldn't sit next to him. I wanted to go over and sit on his lap, but I think his super model would object. I sat on the sofa and continued to stare at him.

"Why are you here, Bella?" His voice was so different. It was soft, and sad, and he sounded defeated.

"I need to explain."

He sat forward and put his elbows on his thighs. "I needed your explanation months ago, I don't need it now."

I opened my mouth, but he kept going.

"I needed your explanation when I searched the city for you. I needed your explanation when I called you everyday begging you to talk to me. I needed your explanation when I texted you all night pleading with you to call me. I don't need it now."

When he sat back in the chair he turned his face away from me, but I could see the tears. All the time on the bus heading to Washington I tried to forget about him. I tried not to remember what it was like to see his smile or feel his kiss. I never once tried to imagine what he was going through. I just figured he would move on. I was so stupid and so selfish.

"I'm not the same person, Edward. I got my shit together finally….."

"Really," he interrupted. "Because my life went to shit. I wanted to die and you didn't give a damn."

I held back my sobs. I deserved his wrath. I was a coward and ran off in the night. I had to allow him his time, his revenge, his opportunity to say what had built up inside him.

"You can have your chance to tell me to go to hell, but I…."

"Go to hell," he said without emotion.


	25. Chapter 25

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 25

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 25

**Feel the Sorrow.**

My mouth was dry and my body was shaking. He wasn't going to listen. He had moved on and he hated me, and I was the one who told him to do it.

I walked out of the house and down the dock. I noticed the boat was gone and figured Jasper and Victoria were giving us time to talk. I hoped they would return soon, so I could get out of here.

I sat on the edge of the pier, with my knees pulled up, and sobbed into them. It was only five minutes later when Edward sat down next to me. I looked at him; he was sitting with his head down and biting on his lip to keep his emotions in check.

"I gave you everything I had," he said softly.

"I know you did."

He shook his head. "What did I do wrong?"

"It was too much, Edward, you gave too much without expecting anything in return."

"I thought you loved me." His sorrow was cutting into me and I was bleeding inside.

"I never stopped loving you. I loved you with all I had, I just didn't love myself."

His face finally turned towards mine. "Why did you leave?"

"I heard women making fun of me in the bathroom," I said with the absurd tone it deserved. "I was so stupid that gossiping bitches sent me running."

We sat silently as he struggled with what information he wanted to hear. I finally said something to really push his anger.

"Edward, my leaving was the best thing that could have happened to us."

"Bella," he said as his jaw tightened. "Do I look like it was the best thing? Do you have any idea what your leaving did to me?"

"It made you stop giving all the time. It made you see me for the person I really was, not the version you thought I was. I was messed up Edward. Your love couldn't fix everything. I needed to fix myself, so I could be free to love you unconditionally."

"You think I didn't have problems? You think my life was perfect?"

"Yes, I did. I thought you were perfect, you were my savior, you were my teacher, and you were my only friend. I know now that you have things in your life that hurts you, and scares you, and makes you insecure. I didn't know that then."

"The two women I loved more than anything in the world, more than my own life, left me. You don't think that would screw me up pretty good?"

I stared at him, not sure what he was talking about. He was sharing something painful with me and I had to be here for him and really listen.

"Who left you Edward?"

His head fell and he let the tears fall unobstructed. I watched in fascination as they wound into his beard. "I was seven, I went to school and when I got home she was gone….just gone. She was everything to me, and then one day I never saw her again. "

My heart broke into pieces. I remembered the one picture in his apartment and how he asked for one of me. Elizabeth and I left him, and he was in pain because of it.

"Then you entered my heart, Bella, you filled the hole that I had carried around for so many years, only to leave one day. You were just gone….like her. The hole is so much bigger now."

"Please don't put Elizabeth in the same category as me, Edward. She never made the choice to leave you. She would never willingly walk out the door like I did. People laughing at her would never send her running. As much as it hurt me to leave, it would be unbearable for her."

"I know that rationally, but loss hurts just the same," he said looking at me again.

"I had no idea who I was; you know what a wonderful person your mother was. You have her memory to keep and I needed some memories. I'm not the daughter of drunks, but that was who I thought I was. I would have taken, and taken, and taken from you, trying to fix myself with your love. It wouldn't have worked."

"Why did you have to leave me out of everything? You could have told me."

"I'm here telling you now. I went home and found out who my father was, who my family is, why my mom drank. Then I went into counseling to deal with it all. I take college courses and work with troubled and handicapped students. I have girlfriends. I have so much more to offer you now, but I'm too late. You've moved on and found someone else."

He furrowed his brow, but let me keep talking.

"I don't think I will find anyone to love as much as I love you, but I know I can go home and have peace and be happy with my goals. Men just won't be one of them."

"It feels like you came here to throw your happiness in my face," he said with anger.

He was crazy if he thought I was happy. I was the one who had Victoria thrown in my face and had to live with the fact I had let this man get away. I didn't say that though.

"I would never do that, Edward."

We sat quietly for several moments until I put together a few ideas in my head. Everything Joyce had been trying to get me to understand suddenly clicked in my slow brain. I turned to look at him, and I mean really look at him. He wasn't the suave, confident man I had always pictured. He looked scared and lost.

"I want you to really think about something," I said to him. "Why would someone like you become interested in me?

He shook his head in irritation at that question I had posed so many times.

"Think about it," I said again. "A poor girl, with no friends, and no family, who couldn't even walk when you met her, she wouldn't be able to leave you would she?"

Edward jumped up in anger, but I followed right after him. "Then you pay for her surgery and buy her a car, she would never be able to repay you for that, so again, she wouldn't be able to leave you."

He spun around and got right in my face, but I didn't back down. "But she did leave, didn't she?" He screamed at me.

"And what better way to give your father the finger than by parading her, and her inappropriate clothing, in front of the entire city," I screamed right back at him.

"Shut up," he screamed as he grabbed my arm.

"You blame your father for us both leaving, that is why you are hiding out here. Your dad lost her too, Edward. And I couldn't leave because I was never there; I was a shell trying to use you to fill my soul. Your father has nothing to do with anyone leaving you. "

The sound of the boat coming caused him to drop my arm. His breathing was labored and it took him a moment to gain some control. We were both standing there panting when Jasper approached.

"There's a storm coming. It will pass over this island tomorrow night. I need to get the plane out of here tomorrow."

Edward nodded and headed to the house. We all followed in silence and Victoria began setting the table for dinner. I helped her by making a salad and we all ate in silence. I was exhausted, not just from the travel, but emotionally I was drained. I covered my huge yawn with my hand and Edward looked at me.

"You can sleep in my bed. I'll sleep on the couch."

"Don't be silly," Victoria chimed in. "There's the king bed, Bella and I will sleep in there and you guys can have the other two rooms."

I wanted to smack her upside the head for willingly leaving Edward's bed. If she didn't want that spot, tucked tightly in his arms, I would be more than willing to take it.

"Go to bed, ladies," Jasper said, "Let us men clean up."

Victoria beamed at him and I scowled at the both of them, for their improper flirting. I pulled my bag into the room and changed into a large t-shirt. Victoria came out of the bathroom in a pair of boxers the size of a postage stamp and a tank top. I hope the small bite of stew she ate goes right to her thighs.

"Victoria, you don't have to do this for me. I understand if you want to sleep with Edward."

She looked up at me and walked right out the door. I wanted to run after her and scream 'April Fool's' and beg her not to touch him while I was here.

She returned thirty seconds later holding Edward's hand. What was she going to do, sleep with him right in front of me?

"Bella, do you know who I am?" she asked.

"Edward's girlfriend," I said, forcing the words out of my mouth.

Edward's eyes grew wide; he looked at Victoria and pulled his hand from hers. She laughed and smacked his chest.

"I am Edward's cousin. My mother and his mother were sisters. I am here just to make sure he doesn't slit his throat and soil the carpet."

I could see the resemblance now, and was surprised I didn't see it earlier. No wonder she was so forward with Jasper right in front of Edward, I just thought she was European.

She turned to Edward and batted her eyes, "Night, night, sweetie."

"Not with a ten foot pole," he replied.

"Stop bragging, cousin," she said looking down at his crotch.

Edward looked at me and I could feel my face turning red, he knew images of Eddie were going through my mind and he smiled slightly, making me turn redder.

When I finally looked at him he raised his eyebrows, daring me to say out loud what I was thinking.

"Good night, _EDWARD_," I emphasized.

His face almost pulled into a full smile, but not quite. It was enough for me to feel the rattle of hope in my chest and enough to sleep deeply in anticipation for tomorrow.

I was waiting by the boat with Victoria bright and early the next morning when she informed me this was not Edward's boat, it was hers. The one Edward bought was too big for the small pier so it was stored at the mainland. I chuckled, thinking about how easily my mom and I got along with one car between us and there were families out there who each had their own boat.

Jasper walked up to inform us Edward was staying. He had to cover all the windows before the storm hit and he was going to ride it out on the island. There was no way in the world I was leaving here without him. I grabbed my bag and headed back to the house.

"Bella, I have to get the plane back," Jasper yelled to me.

"Go ahead, I'll take a commercial flight," I yelled back.

I heard the boat pull away as I entered the house. I changed into a pair of cut offs, now the model was gone my white legs weren't so noticeable, and a t-shirt, and went to find Edward so I could help.

He was pulling metal covers shaped like windows from a storage area. When he saw me he threw the one in his hands harshly to the ground.

"It's not safe to be here, Bella."

"I'm a big girl," I replied as I picked up the cover and began dragging it to the house.

We didn't speak the rest of the morning. I held the covers as he bolted them into their frames. When we got to the sliding glass doors he used plywood; I was holding a large piece and dropped it right onto my toe, sending a torrent of profanity from my mouth.

"Told you it wasn't safe," he chuckled.

"Shut up, before I screw you into a window."

We both froze at those words, and I felt my entire body blush as he roared in laughter. I was glad he finally laughed, but not that it was at my expense.

"Pompous ass," I muttered as I headed into the house and away from his laughter.

"Promises, promises," he yelled after me.

I was glad he couldn't see my face, and not because of the blush, but because I was smiling widely, feeling we had turned some sort of corner.


	26. Chapter 26

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 26

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 26

**Feel the Welcome**

I made him a very large sandwich in an attempt to put some weight back on him and noticed how quickly he ate it down. We had finished all the windows by the time the wind really began to pick up. The house was eerie and dark, without wind flowing freely through; strange whistling sounds came from the covered widows.

I was hoping we would have power long enough for my dinner to finish cooking. Edward placed large kerosene lamps around the house and kept a flashlight on him at all times in case we were suddenly plunged into darkness. We were still quiet, but it wasn't awkward like it had been earlier.

"You might want to jump in the shower while we still have a working water pump," he suggested.

"Go ahead; I'm still working on dinner."

He looked at me for a minute and I thought for sure he was going to ask me to join him. He finally turned and left the room. He was gone for over an hour, so I jumped in the other shower not wanting to miss my opportunity. I came back to the kitchen, with my hair in a towel, to check on the chicken and rice.

I saw Edward sitting in a chair reading, and noticed he had shaved. I could now see his entire gorgeous face and my hand subconsciously rose, hoping to touch it. He looked up, so I motioned with my raised hand to come eat.

I pulled the towel from my head and ran my fingers through my curls as he made his way to the table. I couldn't look at him through dinner. I needed thick rope to tie me to my chair before I could look into his face.

"I'm sick," he announced rubbing his stomach. I noticed half the food was gone from the pan.

"Hopefully it was quantity not quality," I laughed.

"It was great, neither Victoria nor I cook," he informed me.

Of course she doesn't cook, a crumb would accidently fall into her mouth, causing her to use laxatives for a month. I only nodded.

"Just leave this," he said motioning with his hand. "Let's talk."

I rose nervously and followed him to the couch. He actually sat on it, so I could sit right next to him. I could smell his soap and shaving cream, and I was having a really hard time focusing.

"I've been thinking about what you said yesterday."

"Yeah." Oh brilliant retort, Bella!

"You were right. I never would have realized that on my own, but you were right."

"Tell me about your mother," I asked him

He smiled softly. "She was beautiful, and kind, and called me her little man."

I smiled encouragingly at him to continue.

"I was much more like my mother than my father. He said she coddled me and I guess she did. Once I told her I was going to marry her when I grew up," he chuckled at the memory.

"She told me she really wanted me to find a wonderful young woman, because she didn't have a daughter, and that way she would have a son and daughter to love."

I saw how much his hands were shaking and I wanted to hold him in my arms so badly.

"They didn't let me see her body; the ice that fell from the building smashed her skull. I kissed her in the car and ran into school, it was the last time I saw her."

He took a shaky breath and asked me to tell him about my father. I told him everything Charlie had shared with me and how my mother was fine until she lost him. I told him of our counseling sessions and how difficult it was for my mother to see me looking so much like my father. Edward nodded, realizing it was the same for his father.

"Do you think she'll stay sober?" he asked.

"I think with Charlie's help she will, although with the two of them together, I may start drinking," I laughed.

"Why," he asked.

"I walked in on them having sex on the kitchen table; Charlie still dressed in his police jacket and gun belt."

Edward nodded as if he knew exactly what I had gone through.

"I walked in on my dad and Esme in the shower when I was ten. That's why Emmett calls me sex Ed."

"And it would make you cry?" I asked laughing hysterically.

"Hell yeah it did. He told me Esme would be thinking of me now every time she showered. You know how messed up that makes a ten year old?"

"Well, you recovered nicely," I said remembering our showers together.

His eyes held mine of a second and then we both dropped our heads. The awkwardness was back. We sat and listened to the howling wind; he finally closed his eyes and let his head drop back on the couch.

"Talk to me Edward, or the boredom will cause me to name my breasts," I teased, hoping to lighten the mood again.

He didn't open his eyes, or lift his head, but he smiled and said, "Luna and Amy."

"What?"

He opened one eye and pointed at my left breast and said, "That is Luna and that is Amore', I call her Amy."

"You didn't."

"Yes, I did," he smiled widely.

"Then I get to name your testicles," I demanded.

"The Cruisers."

"What?"

"Eddie and the Cruisers," he said as a matter of fact.

My mouth fell open and I pulled my hands up to cover it as I laughed. He finally sat up fully and laughed with me.

"I missed you," he said.

And then I said something so stupid, I couldn't figure out if it was the thought of Eddie and the Cruisers that made me say it, or looking into his beautiful eyes.

"I love you."

His smile faded and I mentally screamed 'FORK' at myself. We were making progress, we were having a conversation, and sharing memories, and issues, from our past. I had to open my big mouth and blow it so quickly.

Luckily, we lost power at that very moment. Edward turned on his flashlight and began making his way around the house lighting the lamps. It gave us enough light to see our way around but it was dim enough for us to talk openly without fear of seeing the others expression.

He sat in the chair with a lamp behind his head showing only his silhouette.

"Boy, isn't this a perfect metaphor for our relationship," he said disgusted.

"We always made it out of the dark, though," I reminded him.

"Not always," he mumbled.

"Did you try to find me, not in Chicago, but did you look for me later?"

I couldn't see his face but I could tell by his posture that he had tensed up. "I looked until your apartment became empty, then I just drank, then I couldn't even stand to be in my own apartment, so I took off. So, no, I didn't try to find you later."

"Are you angry that I found you?"

He didn't answer and I thought I saw his shoulders shrug a little, but it could have been my imagination preparing for the worst. I was sure as soon as the storm ended he would ask me to kindly swim my way back to Brazil.

"Edward, say it, tell me to go home and leave you alone, or tell me to come back to Chicago and work stuff out, just say it."

"I can't."

"Then tell me what you're thinking."

"I'm thinking," he said slowly. "That I can't believe you're here. I'm thinking I want to hold you and love you. I'm thinking that I'm not ready to do it yet."

"I will give you time, Edward. You have all the time in the world, I'll wait."

"Okay," he said in the dark.

I smiled, not knowing if he could see me or not.

"Have you dated at all?" he asked.

"There's only room for one man in my heart and you took that spot a long time ago."

He stood up and walked to the couch to sit next to me. He leaned in very slowly and placed his face on my heart. I put my arms around him, and let myself fall back, pulling him with me. We laid there, his face on my chest while the storm raged around us.

"I am so tired, Bella," he finally said.

"Do you want to go to bed?" I asked densely.

"I'm not that kind of tired. I'm tired of the life I live. I'm tired of disappointing my father and playing the game, always trying to put the right spin on things."

"Come with me to Forks," I suggested. "Come make something that is all yours. You don't have to work for your father."

"I can't. I see how you didn't run away to hide, you went to confront things. That is what I need to do now."

"Will it be long?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Probably," he said softly.

"Okay, that's okay."

I tightened my arms around him hoping he would have the same outcome as I did. I was going to have to let him go, and hope we found our way back together again. It was going to be so hard, but I had my time, I couldn't deny him his.

"I didn't get a chance to tell you, but at the benefit, I was so proud of you."

"God, that was ages ago."

I began playing with his long hair; it was so soft and curled just enough to give it body. "Why did you come here, Edward?"

"I don't know, I just felt a pull. Maybe I was looking for my mother."

"Did you find her?"

"No."

"But, I'm here. I came for you."

His arms tightened around me and he sighed loudly. "Yes, love, you're here."

I leaned over to kiss the top of his head and he snuggled up higher and placed his face in my neck. "This feels like home," he whispered.

"Welcome home," I whispered back.

We slept hard, tangled up in each other's arms and legs, just like we had done so many times before. When I heard birds chirping, instead of the wind and rain, I knew the storm had past. I also felt something very prominently against my back.

"Edward," I whispered to see if he was asleep.

"Mmm….don't move," he said sleepily.

"Um…you're making it pretty difficult, or should I say Eddie is making it pretty difficult."

"He missed you, too."

"Well, he better disappear or he's going to get a welcome home parade all of his own," I said to make him aware how close I was to tying him to the couch and having my way with him.

"Do you have any condoms?" he asked and sent my heart racing.

"You don't?" I tried to hide my disappointment.

"I came here with my cousin, no I don't."

How many times had I cursed those stupid things and right now I would sell my grandmother for just one.

"Well, Fork," I exclaimed.

"Yeah, that's what I had in mind," he laughed. "Didn't I pay to get you on the pill?"

"Yes you did, and a garbage can in Kearney, Nebraska thanks you kindly."

"I knew you were an environmentalist."

I squirmed my way around to face him and he actually looked happy. He pulled me further, so he was lying flat on his back underneath me. It wasn't a good position to be in with no protection in the house.

My body had a mind of its own and could care less what my mind thought. It began moving in ways only Edward could make it move, the memory was overwhelming. I thought I was going to cry when his magical hands began practicing their craft on me.

It wasn't a new, exciting sensation, it was familiar and loving. My own hands were doing what they had so expertly been taught to do making Edward moan in pleasure. Neither one of us lasted long; we were reduced to quivering masses in each other's arms.

Finally, Edward did what I had been hoping he would do since the moment I stepped foot on this island. He pulled my mouth to his and kissed me so passionately I forgot all about condoms, and pills, and all responsible things. I would gladly have his baby or anything else he wanted me to have.

"I love you, Bella," he said still pressed to my lips. "But I have to send you home."


	27. Chapter 27

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 27

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 27

**Feel the Music**

I went home; right after Edward took me to see his boat. It was huge and we stood there staring at the thing in amazement. Edward turned to look at me with such a desperate expression.

"This is my boat," he said, as if seeing it for the first time.

"Yep, that sure is a boat," I said trying not to laugh.

"What was I thinking?" He moved closer, hoping it wasn't real.

"Um….size matters?" I offered.

"Look what you do to me," he said in amazement.

"Hey, your penchant for retail therapy has nothing to do with me. Take it up with a therapist."

An elderly man and his grandson walked past us and Edward yelled, "Hey, you want a boat?"

The man pulled the boy closer and began walking faster. "Stop it, Edward. You're scaring the locals."

He turned to look at me and the boyish grin I had learned to love returned. "Well, shit Bella, I have to sell a boat."

I threw my arms around his neck and laughed at his problems. Only a Cullen would get into this kind of a situation…or a Masen, too.

We flew together to Miami, and then I boarded a flight for Seattle, and he headed to Chicago. We didn't make any promises or set any sort of time line, I was willing to give him all the time he needed. I really didn't think Edward had any sort of plan, but neither had I when I went to see my mother. I'm sure once he saw Carlisle he would know what to say.

I took summer classes in Port Angeles and spent time with Jessica whenever she wasn't with Ben. Charlie was staying over more, and more, and it made me happy. I could go to Chicago, if Edward asked me to come, and feel good about leaving my mom.

I didn't hear from him all summer and watched the Cubs games hoping to catch a glimpse of him. I tried not to worry and worked on my own things. I was becoming a pretty good cook and was even doing more strenuous hiking to build up my leg muscles.

The school year started and I returned to work. I was too busy to think about anything. I reserved the moment right before falling asleep to yearn for Edward, I looked forward to bedtime.

Christmas came and went; a small amount of panic was pushed to the recesses of my mind. I had to give him time, and I had to trust in us.

By the end of the school year I was beginning to give up hope. I had broken down and called his condo association, and found out he sold his place. I checked the Cullen Enterprises email list and he wasn't on it yet. I had to do the only thing I could do, I had to wait.

Jessica and I volunteered to chaperone the prom. I never had the experience of attending one, and she wanted to be with Ben, so we made it a date of three. I told Ben before the night I would not dance with him. I wanted Edward to always be my only. Jessica gave me a sad look and sighed. She obviously didn't believe Edward was real.

I made sure to get help selecting this dress. I wanted to look elegant, but not too sexy, for a school function. It was slinky black and form fitting but had a cap sleeve to give it a more conservative look. I was feeling a bit giddy when Ben escorted us into the ballroom, which was actually the Elks lodge saturated with twinkling lights. I made sure to compliment all the girls on their dresses and reminded the guys to be gentlemen and ask girls to dance.

I was having a great time watching the different couples and talking with the teachers about proms from the past. I was missing Edward, but I didn't dwell on that, and focused on having fun. A group of girls talked me into joining in on a fast dance, but I refused every offer of a slow dance.

The DJ, who we all knew as Mr. Andrew's from the town pharmacy, introduced a new song slowing things down a bit. He said it was a request, made for all those girls who remembered their first dance, and began playing "My Wish."

I tensed and began looking around for Edward. It was silly, since he would have no idea when, or where, a school prom was being held. I walked slowly through the dancing couples as my heart pounded loudly. I knew I was being foolish, but that darn rattle of hope could not be stopped.

I gasped when I felt a pair of hands wrap around my waist and pulled me into a broad chest. "You're still my last," he whispered in my ear.

I spun around to see his gorgeous face, dressed in a tux, and smiling from ear to ear. I put my hands in his suit coat and wrapped myself tightly around him. I couldn't loosen my hold to even look at him, so he rubbed my back and danced with me, as I cried.

When the song ended I pulled back to see him smile and say, "We'll never be apart again."

"How did you know where to find me?"

"I talked to Charlie last week, they're gone for the weekend, just so you know."

I was stunned, and a bit ticked that Charlie could keep a secret. Surely he didn't tell Renee because there was no way she would have kept her mouth shut. I would have liked a little warning to purchase some appropriate underwear, or at least some condoms. I looked at Mr. Andrew's and suddenly worried the town pharmacy was going to be closed.

"Please, tell me you have condoms," I whispered.

He chuckled and leaned down to whisper into my ear. "Every pocket is full, and you _really _need to get on the pill, Bella!"

I forgot where we were, everything faded into the background, as I kissed him passionately. Jessica had the good sense to bring me back to earth before I began stripping Edward in the middle of the 'We've Only Just Begun' themed prom.

"Bella," she yelled. "Is this Edward?"

He pulled back, but remained looking in my eyes, as he answered for me. "It better be."

"Edward, this is my best friend, Jessica." I wanted to tell her to go ahead and pinch him, and that she had no faith in me, and even neener, neener, neener crossed my brain.

He reached out to shake her hand and it made me frown that his hand left me for one moment. If this was the beginning of my forever, I wanted him using both hands. We danced for a few more songs, never breaking apart, even for the fast ones.

"Just go, " Ben whispered to us. "It's not like you're paying attention to the students anyway."

I grabbed Edward by the hand and practically ran to his car. After giving him instructions to my house I began inundating him with questions. "What happened with Carlisle? Where do you live? Did you sell the boat?"

He laughed and kissed my fingers as he drove. "Stop talking, Bella."

His voice was so thick with emotion, and for the first time in my life, Forks seemed huge to me. The three blocks to my house might as well have been three states away. As soon as I got the house door unlocked, Edward wrapped his arms around my waist, pushing me forward.

"Which way?" he asked, so I pulled him down the hallway to my room. I was permanently attached to his lips; he began emptying his pockets onto the bed. He was telling the truth, every pocket was stuffed with condoms. I laughed and pushed him onto the bed determined to use every single one this weekend.

I was lying contently in his arms with him wrapped around me, not ready to interrupt our bliss with talking, when he whispered, "Bella, are you awake?"

"Mmm," I answered.

He put his mouth on my ear and whispered, "Bella, we're spooning in Forks." His body moved with his silent laughter.

I tried to ignore him and pretend the man in my arms was more mature than the ten year old boy he was acting like.

"Bella," he whispered again.

I refused to answer this time.

"Bella, we just forked in Forks."

"Don't make me kick your ass back to Chicago," I threatened.

He laughed loudly, no longer trying to be quiet. "Should I put a Fork in it, cause I think I'm done."

I sat up and turned to face him. "Did you just have sex for the first time?" I said angrily.

"No," he grinned. "The first time I had sex it was scary, and awful, and painful. It was nothing like forking you," he fell over with laughter again.

"Who did you have sex with, cause my first time was amazing," I smiled.

"Reverse, rewind, I didn't say anything," he said as his smile faded.

"Come on smart ass, you want to play you have to pay."

He tucked his head down into my neck and shook his head back and forth. I couldn't imagine why he wouldn't tell me, unless it was somebody I knew… like maybe Tanya.

"Tanya?" I screamed.

"Hell no, that happened later when I learned to drink large amounts of liquor first."

"Who?"

"Drop it, Bella. I was only kidding…."

"Rosalie, it was Rosalie wasn't it? Your first time was with She-Ra and you are saying it was awful? You are so full of shit."

"It _was_ awful," he defended. "She traumatized me."

"I have to hear this story, you have no idea how this will build my self esteem," I laughed.

He groaned loudly, but I sat up and faced him, determined to hear every last detail.

"I was a freshman and she was sophomore in college," he began. "I met her at a party and we dated a few times. When she found out I was still a virgin she decided to… relieve me of the burden."

"How did she find out?"

"Jasper, the fu…..forking traitor."

"Okay, continue," I laughed.

"She showed up at my place one night dressed in some leather dominatrix crap, assuming I would find it hot, but she scared the shit out of me. "

I covered my mouth to contain the laughter.

"I'm not kidding, Bella, she yelled at me, and ordered me around, telling me I better not cum until she tells me to. I didn't have a clue what I was doing and she was expecting me to have some major control. I couldn't walk for two days."

I couldn't hold back any longer and fell onto my side in laughter. I could picture the whole thing, hell, Rosalie could get me to do anything by showing up like that. She had dominatrix written all over her.

"So you dumped her?"

"No, I set her up with Emmett," he grinned.

I laughed harder.

"He told me I was a pussy for complaining, so I set him up with her. She walked in with that leather crap and he grabbed hold of the material and ripped it right off her body, threw her over his shoulder, and took her to his room to spank her."

"Stop, stop," I screamed. "That is too much information and I don't want those visions in my head."

"They were made for each other, that's all I will say."

"I'm so sorry Edward, that's a horrible memory to have to carry around." I snuggled up against him again. "You made mine so wonderful, thank you."

"It was my pleasure," he said as he grabbed another condom off the pile on the floor. 'You Know I'm No Good' was playing softly on the radio and my brain registered the irony.


	28. Chapter 28

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 28

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 28

**Feel the Move**

We fell asleep and didn't wake until almost noon on Sunday. I wasn't willing to waste any time by making breakfast, so I got us both a bowl of cereal and we settled back in bed. I knew we needed to talk about things, but I hated being a grown up sometimes. It felt like I snuck my boyfriend into my house as my parents were out of town, and I liked the thrill, without the heavy life altering decisions attached to it.

Edward transformed from the sexy teenager, to the responsible adult over night, and began the discussion.

"I sold the boat, at a loss of course."

"Well, it was used…kind of," I teased.

He just rolled his eyes at me. "I started therapy the moment I got home, going everyday for awhile."

"Everyday?" I interrupted. Then I remembered Jasper saying the Cullen's did things fast and thorough. "Sorry, go ahead."

"I did have issues with abandonment, but it wasn't the only reason I fell in love with you. I was looking for someone with the qualities my mother had, it's a rare find, but I found you." He leaned over and kissed my cheek. "My father found out I was home after the third week and showed up at my place."

"You didn't tell him you were back?" I asked in shock.

"No, I felt the therapy needed to come first."

"Was he mad?"

"I think I really scared him. He has his own abandonment issues, as you so cleverly pointed out. He was so relieved I wasn't stuck in a foreign prison, or covered in tattoo's, that he remained relatively calm."

"Relatively?" I asked.

"He's really proud of what he has managed to build, and didn't understand why I would turn my back on it. I think it would be hard for me too, if I had a son."

Ah, Edward's son would be so cute. And trying to make said son would be so much fun. Focus, Bella!

"We talked for hours, and when he finally accepted the fact that I wanted to do something on my own, he actually seemed a little proud. I also think he will become closer to Emmett with me out of the way."

I smiled at what a kind heart Edward had.

"So, I sold my condo and moved to Seattle," he stated bluntly.

"WHAT! You have been in Seattle and didn't let me know?" I think steam was actually billowing out of my head.

"There is a reason, you want to hear it or not?"

"It better be pretty good or you can kiss Eddie and the Cruisers goodbye," I warned him.

He smiled his sexy smile and I wanted the boys to come out to play right then, but he continued explaining.

"I bought a small struggling company and wanted to know if I had what it took to turn it around. I was working 16 hour days and knew if I came for you it would fail. I needed to devote all my time to the business and come for you when I was successful. I was determined to live off what I earned and not my mother's money."

"So, it's a success now," I asked hesitantly. If he asked me for more time I would have myself surgically attached to him.

His face lit up and I could feel the pride emanating from him. "Yeah, you could say that."

I leaned over and kissed him lovingly. "I'm so proud of you, and I'm sure your father is too."

"I haven't spoken to my father since I moved. I want my life in order before I bring him back into it and that is why I am here. I've come for you."

"This is really going to happen, isn't it?" I grinned.

"If you say yes, it is," he said as he climbed off the bed.

"Where are you going?" I said in a panicked voice.

He grabbed his pants and I smiled as he dug for another condom, instead he pulled out a ring and got on his knee.

I screamed and covered my eyes with my hands as he laughed at me. "Bella, it would help if you look at me while I propose."

I pulled my hands from my eyes, but kept them over my mouth, as the tears began to spill over. At the sight of me crying, I saw Edward tear up too.

"Bella, I love you for being real, and honest, and loving. I love you for coming to find me and changing all the wrong things in my life into right things. I love you for waiting for me, and allowing me the time to become whole. Be my wife, please."

I nodded and tried to say yes, but nothing came out. I kissed him over, and over again, marveling in how far we had come, until he finally pulled away from me.

"You have to promise me one thing though," he said seriously.

"Anything," I said confidently.

"You have to get on the damn pill."

By the afternoon we had showered and I decided to take Edward to meet my dad. We drove to the cemetery and took some flowers with us. It was at my father's graveside he shared with me his conversation with Charlie. Edward had called to ask his permission to propose to me. He explained how much my love for Charlie was evident in Brazil and knew Johnny would trust his brother's decision.

"Would you have listened if he said no?" I asked in surprise.

"I would have tried like crazy to convince him….and then kidnap you in the middle of the night," he teased.

"Edward, my mom and Charlie are going to love you. What do you think Carlisle and Esme are going to say about me?"

"Esme will be fine, Carlisle will view you as a competitor and try to either buy you, or make you fail. That is why I can't let him in our lives right away. I need to be strong enough to protect us before I let him visit."

For some reason the news he was sharing terrified me. If Carlisle thought he could come between me and Edward he was wrong. My uncle wears a gun, even during sex, and I am not opposed to using it! If Carlisle tried to dig up dirt and use my mother's past against me, I would fight for her, I just wasn't sure she was strong enough to fight for herself yet.

I gave him the nickel tour of Forks and had to listen to his juvenile comments regarding the towns name again. We were both surprised to see Charlie and Renee home when we got back to the house. We gasped at the same time when we remembered the pile of condoms all over the floor and tried to sneak in the back door without being seen.

"Bells," Charlie yelled out. That damn police training!

I pulled Edward into the family room for introductions as my face remained a bright cherry red. Charlie shook Edward's hand and tried to give him an intimidating glare. Edward put a stop to his tactics by saying, "I've heard so much about you both," and then glanced at the kitchen table.

Charlie cleared his throat, and moved out of the way, so my mom could have a go at Edward. He swept her right off her feet by thanking her for taking care of me while he straightened things out. She fell for his charm the same way I did.

I finally stepped forward and lifted my hand to show her my ring. She sobbed so hard Charlie had to help her to the couch. Her blubbering stopped when I told her Charlie had known for a week.

"When?" she asked.

I looked at Edward and he cleared his throat. "I want Bella with me now. I live in Seattle and I promise we will visit often."

"Edward, I still have two weeks of school left."

"So, then quit," he said.

"I can't do that. It would be unprofessional and I want to be a teacher someday."

"Can you at least take a couple of days off and come to Seattle tomorrow?" His face looked so sad and there was no way I would tell him no.

"Okay, but I would have to be back by Wednesday."

He turned to look at my mom and smiled, "I guess you have a house guest for a week and a half."

"You're staying here?" I squealed.

"I told you we are not being apart ever again."

I jumped into his arms wrapping my legs around him causing Charlie to groan and turn around. I figured as long as his finger remained off the trigger, I was good to continue.

We all went to dinner that night and I left with Edward at four in the morning to head out to Seattle. I figured he wanted to show me his company and where he was living. I packed a small bag and brought along one of the piles of condoms, vowing to set an appointment as soon as I returned to Forks.

Seattle is such a beautiful city, and the amazing skyline kept my attention, until Edward turned off into a densely wooded area. He made a few twists and turns and pulled into the driveway of a beautiful home. It wasn't palatial, like what his family had in Chicago, but it was big and roomy. I loved the large wrap around porch and the county feel to the property.

"Is this where you live?" I asked him.

"If you like it, this is where we will live."

"Here?" I said shocked.

"You don't like it?" His face fell.

"I love it, but it doesn't seem like your style," I said thinking back to his modern condo.

"This is exactly my style, the condo was purchased for me by Esme."

We walked through the house; I loved the large open rooms, with the crown molding, and the big fireplaces. It would be the perfect house for children, and the master bedroom had a small nursery right off the side from it.

Edward watched my face the entire time, as I went from happy, to giddy, to ecstatic, and finally anxious. He pulled me into his arms as he smiled into my eyes. "I want a home, not a house. I want photographs, and noise, and ugly pictures our children draw to hang on the refrigerator."

"Maybe your kids draw ugly pictures, but mine draw masterpieces."

"Maybe we should hold off on that pill appointment," he suggested. My uterus began jumping up and down.

"I really want to finish college, it means a lot to me." I wasn't content to just be Edward's wife anymore. I had to accomplish something of my own and I knew he would understand that.

He smiled and pulled my hand leading me towards the back window. "See that steeple," he said pointing down the hill.

"Yeah."

"It's a college, tomorrow we will go get you enrolled."

I couldn't believe this was really happening. He was here and promising we would never be apart. I got to live in this amazing house, and finally have a home of my own to fill with children. I would be a teacher and feel the joy of helping others. There was only one dark cloud on our horizon, fitting the Cullen family into our happy future.

I just hoped I would be ready for their visit when Edward was and we are strong enough to handle what they decide to throw at us. Either way, we were going to find out.


	29. Chapter 29

Name: FEEL

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 29

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.**

* * *

Chapter: 29

**Feel the Feeling**

It had been three years since I moved in with Edward and we began our life together. He was finally ready to invite his family for a visit. We decided on Thanksgiving and invited Charlie and Renee too. I was sitting in the doctor's office thinking back on the girl who hid from the world. I didn't know her anymore.

Edward and I got married, much to the anger of my mother, because of the unorthodox way we did it. I was eating lunch with Edward, trying to study for a test, as he worked on a deal he was trying to close. The sandwich shop was empty and his telephone conversation was interrupting my attempt at last minute cramming.

I finally threw a chip at him in irritation. He looked at me and crossed his eyes, so I opened my mouth to show him my half eaten sandwich. He picked up his straw and sucked up some coke, I shook my finger at him, daring him to just try it. He dared, and my white hoodie was soaked in coke.

I was so mad at him and demanded he take me home to change before heading to the testing center.

"Come on, Bella, it's not that bad, heck I would marry you like that."

"Sure you would," I said angrily.

"Come on," he grabbed my hand and ran for the car. "How long do you have until the test?"

"An hour and a half, why?"

"I'm going to marry you," he smiled.

"Shut-up." I turned to head back into the sandwich shop but he pulled me back to the car.

"I'm serious, Bella, let's go to the courthouse and get married."

I decided to call his bluff and see how willing he was to put off closing the deal. Forty-seven minutes later we were Mr. and Mrs. Cullen, he closed the sale and I got an A on my test.

We made sure Charlie's gun was far from his fingers when we told my mom. She cried, accused me of hating her, accused Edward of breaking her heart, and finally started bugging us for grandchildren.

I graduated with my degree in secondary education and was hired by a local high school to teach English. For the past couple of months I wasn't feeling very good and decided to get my heart checked out again. I had a series of doctor appointments, but wasn't letting Edward know. He had enough on his plate preparing for his family's visit.

I got home from the appointment to see three rental cars in the drive way. I had no idea why each couple would need their own car, but it was the Cullens after all. I sat in the garage trying to gather strength, who was I kidding, Schwarzenegger didn't have enough strength for this.

Edward snuck out to see me sitting in the car; he pushed his mouth into a smile with his fingers and made me laugh. "I need a hug," I said when he got to my door.

"I can always kick them out," he said as he pulled me into his arms.

"No, I have to face them sometime, better get it over with."

He kissed my head and whispered words of encouragement, and then ended with "I'm really going to need to see you naked tonight."

"Just let me get Rosalie's whip first," I laughed.

He smacked my butt, as I headed in the house to meet my fate, and I smacked my forehead, for not thinking ahead to get Charlie's gun for protection.

They were all there sitting in my living room; Bubbles was bouncing, She-Ra was glaring, Cuddles was laughing, the Scarecrow was staring, Esme was smiling, and Carlisle stood to intimidate.

"Sit down, father," Edward said in exasperation.

"Bella," Carlisle said as he sat.

"Hello, I hope your flight was okay?" What a stupid thing to say, like I could do anything about a less than stellar traveling experience. If it wasn't okay Carlisle would just purchase the airlines and fire everyone.

"It's good to see you again, Bella," Esme said, sounding proper like she always did.

Jasper winked at me and Emmett pointed to his neck. "No tie," he beamed.

"And they let you on the plane anyway?" I teased.

We all sat and it was awkwardly quiet. Edward pulled me from the arm of the chair onto his lap, and acted as if we were the only two people in the room.

"How was your day?" he asked.

"Good, glad for the break. Half the kids were already gone, so it was pretty much a wasted day."

"Next year, we'll go away for the holiday, would you like that?"

I glanced around uncomfortably and wasn't quite sure what he was up to.

"You have a nice house, Bella," Alice offered. I noticed how Rosalie widened her eyes and looked down at her hands. I wish I had He-Man's sword right now.

"Thank you, we want it to be homey and lived in."

"You've accomplished that," Rosalie said.

"Thank you, Rosalie. We tried to steer clear of the whole leather sub-dom look so many houses have today," I said as I stared right at her.

If looks could kill Edward was dead in this life, and whatever life was to come. Jasper and Emmett had to hide their laughter and Edward patted my back appreciatively.

"Son, why don't you give us a tour of your company, the woman can stay here with Bella."

"Like hell," Rosalie said as she stood. "I want to see what he tossed his future aside for."

I felt Edward tense and I pulled his face to mine and kissed him lightly. "Go show them what a great thing you've done sweetheart."

I felt better with just Alice and Esme anyway. I gave them a tour of the house and tried to tell them a little about Seattle. We got a cup of coffee and sat around the kitchen table.

"Edward seems very happy," Esme observed.

"He is happy. I know Carlisle can't understand why he wants to work so hard to start from scratch, but he is so proud of what he has built."

"I was talking about you, he seems very happy married to you."

"Oh," I said like the genius I am.

"It wasn't easy, but you two did it," she stared at me and I wasn't sure if it was a compliment or not.

"He was worth the fight," I blushed.

"I understand your mother is in your life again."

Here it comes, they're aiming for my weak spot and I was taking a moment to make sure all my body armor was in place.

"Yes, she is married to my dad's brother and doing very well. I am very proud of how hard she worked to turn her life around."

They both smiled at me, but remained quiet.

"How are things at Cullen Enterprises?" I asked.

"Good," Alice said quickly.

"Oh, Bella, remember your old boss, Mark, Mitch…" Esme asked.

"Mike," I corrected her.

"Yes, Mike, he is dating Lenz, remember Lenz did your hair once."

"The German?" I asked.

"Yes, that's right."

"So it was a woman?"

"Who?"

"Lenz, I wasn't sure if she was a man or a woman."

Alice and Esme looked at each other and laughed.

"Lenz is a man, dear," Esme corrected, and cleared her throat, so she wouldn't laugh again.

"What the fork?"

"And, Mark has lost so much weight, you wouldn't recognize him."

"Mike," I corrected again. "Well damn, that kind of hurts." I chuckled.

"Excuse me?" Esme said.

"Nothing," I said shaking my head.

Edward returned two hours later and I could tell by his tight jaw he was upset about something. I pulled him into the pantry and said, "You will not believe what I found out."

"What?" he whispered.

"Mike is gay; he's dating the German lady I thought was a man, and it turns out I was right, she is."

"Are you drunk?" Edward asked seriously.

"No, but I really wish I was," I giggled. "Do you think if we stay in here they will leave?"

"Are you kidding, they are just warming up. Take your clothes off."

"You take your clothes off."

He began unbuttoning his shirt and I had to grab his hands to make him stop. "Don't make me bring Rosalie in here," I threatened.

"Boner killer."

"Come on, let's go face the firing squad," I said as I pulled him out of the pantry.

We spent the night answering questions posed in a way that didn't quite insult, but came close enough. We presented a united front and never let them see us sweat. I wanted to strangle Edward when he mentioned the nick names I had for all of them, and couldn't persuade them to let it pass. I finally gave in and spoke truthfully.

"I called Emmett, Cuddles, because he looks like a Teddy bear," I said turning bright red.

"Ah," they all sighed in unison.

"There is nothing Teddy bear about Emmett," Rosalie spoke up.

"I think we all know that, Rose," Edward said laughing.

"I called Rosalie, She-Ra, because… well because." I lost my nerve.

Nobody needed an explanation.

"I called Alice, Bubbles, because she is so bubbly, and Jasper, the Scarecrow, because he walked so straight and had the same look on his face all the time."

"What did you call Edward?" Alice asked.

I looked at him and smiled. "He was my David."

"Because he was always getting naked?" Emmett asked, as he laughed loudly making everyone else laugh too.

"You left one out," Edward said to me.

"No I didn't," I said, as I squeezed his arm, and gave him my 'I will hurt Eddie' look.

"Come on; tell them what you called Carlisle."

"You started it," I said aghast.

"No, love, I remember the time and day you first used the term, because it was just so perfect."

"Fine, I called him, the Dictator."

I looked at Carlisle, expecting to see him drafting orders for my beheading, but he sat with a slight smile on his face. I remembered the one thing about dictators is… they actually like being dictators.

After the stress of the evening I was anxious to hit the sack. I was drained and still having a difficult time with my energy level. I was really hoping the women would help me out with the big dinner preparations tomorrow, but I had a feeling it would be just me and mom.

We were all seated around the dinner table, with Edward on one end, and me on the other. It had been a stressful morning, and I had hoped the men would just watch football, but I accidentally walked in on Carlisle berating Edward. I heard him tell his son to stop acting 'so common' and come home where he belonged. I asked Edward to help me put the extension on the table to get him away from that awful man.

I watched as my mom stared at Alice in shock, as she tried to keep up with her fast talking. I noticed Charlie glance at Rosalie every so often and wanted to tell him she would be way out of his comfort zone. It is one thing to leave on your gun belt, and another to actually use the gun.

My eyes wandered to Edward as he listened to his father, his neck so tense I wanted to schedule him a massage right this moment. I stared at the man I loved more than I ever thought possible. He was my world, and right there in the midst of all the chaos, I decided to share my news with him.

He looked over to see me staring and locked eyes with me. "You okay?" he mouthed silently.

"Perfect," I mouthed to the other end of the table.

We continued to stare blocking out the entire world. "I love you," he mouthed, as he smiled.

I gave him my message and saw his face form into a confused expression. "What?"

I decided to use sign language. I pointed to him, and then back to me, and then to my stomach, forming a ball. His eyes got big, and then I really shocked him, and held up two fingers.

He mirrored my action and held up two of his fingers, so I nodded yes. Tears formed in his eyes as my own fell down my face; suddenly we were not alone anymore, as everyone stared back and forth between us.

"Excuse me," Edward said, as he rose from the table and came to my chair to kiss me as if nothing else existed in the world.

"You sure," he said into my lips.

I pulled a picture from my pocket of two round egg sacks with a fuzzy mass connected to them. "I found out yesterday."

"Bella?" my mom said softly.

"Yes, Grandma," I responded sending her into a fit of screams.

Carlisle's face was priceless. Stunned was not the right word, he was mortified when the thought of being a grandfather sunk into his brain. From that moment forward there was nothing Carlisle could say or do to temp Edward away from me. I won, I had a permanent hold on his son, and nothing would ever be more important to us than our children.

"I'm very sorry everyone, but the mother of my children will not lift another finger today, so please do your dishes when you're finished." He took my hand, and led me upstairs, where we celebrated together the best way we knew how, by loving each other.

I lay in his arms surrounded by his love for me and our children, it was an amazing feeling. After everything we had been through this moment made it all worth it, this was the feeling I wanted to feel.

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**The sequel 'LEARN' is not just a story of Bella and Edward raising kids….it is very much still a Bella/Edward against the world story. They must fight health, Carlisle, and another woman to be together. And Bella is _fierce i_n this one!**

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This is the link for the forum link for the Cube story. All Sdfreeze story discussions should take place in THE CUBE discussion forum, to keep them together.

http:/www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=11931&p=1178902


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